One in a million... all or nothing... now or never. Come on bryce pull your self together. This is nothing special you know this place like the back of your hand. What could go wrong? The question you should be asking yourself is what can't go wrong. One in a million... all or nothing... now or never.

As he said this he stepped out of his car the wind whisled in his ears as he walked towards the door. "Good ole crisp breeze of Virginia," he muttered under his breath.

While walking inside he passed a sign which read CENERAL INTELLIGENCE AGENCY, LANGLEY VIRGINIA.

"This place brings back memories," he thought to himself, "The time when I discovered the terrorist cell in Libya, the time I foiled a terrosist attck by Palestinian rebels, and now the one

If you made it this far props. If so give your thumbs up or down and comments. Also if any have places to submit short stories that would be nice.

Thanks for reading.

If we made it that far, it's because you violated the thirteen line rule. Please go to the "Read this first" section. We'd be happy to work with you, but we want to make sure that we're all working the same way.

I think before you continue, you should really study on the basic mechanics of grammar and spelling. If you're writing this to get published, no agent or editor in the world would make it past the first paragraph.

Once you learn the basics, focus on your style. You are avoiding using the word "said." You are keeping information from the reading by using cryptic structure such as "fix that thing he did." What thing?

You overuse onomatopoeia, which is really comical because it's so close to the Adam West Batman tv show in plot convention. You are trying to write a serious story and not camp.

You also don't know how to stay in pov. You state everyone is startled and confused. Isn't this a room full of CIA agents? Is Bryce the only one trained to remain calm?

When you cover those two problem, focus on logic. Reading up on the CIA would do wonders in making your story more credible. Why would the security guard call for back-up instead of just telling Bryce to leave because he didn't have id? There is no such thing as pitch black inside the CIA building; there are emergency generator lights that go on incase of a black out.

Also, there is no suspense in this story. Everything is so easy for Bryce that it's really not worth reading about. If this is all going according to his plan, throw a wrench in there. I think you're trying so hard to make Bryce seem cool that you ignore a lot of other plot elements.

I suggest first brushing up on your grammar and spelling, then pick a great book on style; there are millions of them.

quote:

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Sorry, wow all that was a slap in the face. ... I know it sucked. ... The thing is I got ideas in my head and its hard for them to get them on paper so yes I need some help with format. ... I'm sorry for the pain I put you all through.

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Well, don't take the advice the wrong way. People around here really are willing to help. But the best way to get help probably isn't by putting up something if you "know it sucked" -- the best way to use the forum is to put up something that you think is really good. Near perfect, in fact. If you do that, people will point out the little nits that make your great story into merely good, or your good story into something they wouldn't read. _That_ will help you work on style, form, grammar, etc.

And always remember that the critiques we give, harsh as they are, are much better and more caring than the apathy of the typical editor.

If you don't know where to start then you should read some of the good books about writing. If you feel like you know your characters, but don't have a plot, then start with a book on plotting. If you have a plot, but your characters feel like they're kinda cardboard-ish, get a book on characterization.

If you have lots of ideas, I suggest the following. Write a lot. Put away the things that you write and come back to them later -- a week, a month, who knows? Then come back to the things you wrote earlier and, reading carefully, say, "would I continue reading this? Does it confuse me? Are there things I know, because I'm the author, that the reader wouldn't know, that are important to the scene?" Then try writing it again. Then, when you think it's essentially perfect, post the first 13 here again -- and prepare to be eviscerated. It ain't pretty, but it's a good way to learn how your writing appears to a well-read readership.

Finally, read lots of critiques, and try to give critiques yourself. I learn as much from critiquing other people as I do from being critiqued. It's much easier to see the problems with something when it's not your something.

So don't apologize for the "pain you put us through." Just learn to use the forum for what it's good for, and there's plenty of good advice to be had. You'll be dealing with the pain of seeing your baby ripped apart, which is much harder than what the critiquers do.

So you shouldn't have to choose which 13 lines to post - it's always the first lines, the first any editor will see. It's good to get those really polished because it is usually the only chance you have to "hook" the editor into your story and make them want to read more than just the first page!

Now, I could be wrong, but I actually think most people here are not pros! I'm still really new here, but as far as I can tell, few of us have had a lot of works published (for me, just some technical writing for a hobby manual! Not exactly what I want to be remembered for after I die ). Not many of us here are professional writers in the sense that we do this for our basic living. Most of us are amateurs - a lot of us are total beginners who are just working on our very first real work of fiction. Some of us have had a lot of stories or even a book or two published, but I am pretty sure they're few on this forum. As far as anybody could tell using the search engine, OSC has never posted here except for once, and it wasn't really to give any writing advice.

So cheer up! You're in good company. We're all more or less in the same boat.

And definitely try your hand at critiquing others' work. It really does help you learn to be critical of your own and weed out the crummy stuff!

[This message has been edited by LibbieMistretta (edited June 23, 2006).]