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Cardinal Thradt slumped in his throne, doling out canned miracles, feeling hungrier and more alien than ever. Someone's plow needed fixing, another's cat was constipated. Sometimes a wealthy or lucky soul came in to have a robot resurrected.

A banner hanging in the entrance hall ticked them off as they were granted audience: Over 102,836 served.

It was good that miracles didn't take much thought, because Thradt had more important things on his mind, like starving himself to death. He had to because it made him powerful. He was planning something big, something nobody in his right mind should even think about, and it made him feel less like everyone else than his magic ever had. It was enabled by a single, extraordinary secret.

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[This message has been edited by trousercuit (edited June 26, 2006).]

It's novel length. I can't stand it when an author hits me over the head with a giant hint and then violates POV by withholding information that I have every right to expect the POV character to be thinking about. I plan on revealing just enough of the what that the reader should be left primarily wondering how. I had scheduled it for page three or so, but I may bump it up now.

I think you'd be better off starting with your line -- It was good that miracles didn't take much thought.

Now that is a great opening line. It raises questions immediately and points the reader in the direction of religion, religious people like cardinals quite well.

I do think that "It was good miracles didn't take much thought," would make a good opening line, but I like the way you show that they don't much interest Thradt, and that he isn't thinking much about them, whether or not he should. In other words, Thradt doesn't really care about his "day job".

I like that he's aware of the fact that he's alienated from the community he's supposed to be serving. Partly that's because the details of the service lead me to believe that it is a highly trivialized and materialistic "religion" (the banner is funny, but possibly too much). I get the feeling that he's not just going for power, he's aiming at revolution, and I'm instantly sympathetic to his perception that radical change is necessary, no matter how undesirable in the view of everyone else.

I have to say, however, I was a bit put off by the humor of the McDonald's-esque customer count. It didn't really do it for me. I expected this story to do some very intriguing things--until I read that line. After that I couldn't take any of it seriously.

I think starting a novel with the antagonist is a gamble, and you're illustrating exactly why.

Survivor: You've got both Thradt and the setting pegged, which means I must have done something right. Wicked.

arriki: Can you point me at the awkward parts? I just wrote it last night, so I'm still a bit blind to the mechanics.

The second paragraph tripped me up too. I fist read “ticked them off" as in made them angry and I wondered who was getting angry until I reread the sentence and caught your meaning.

Literary satire has to be a bit more surreptitious than a political cartoon if it is going to effective or entertaining.

EDIT: I was considering leaving it Cardinal, but not anymore. Thanks for pointing that out.

I don't like the McDonald's banner, either, but maybe for a different reason: it takes it from the realm of _Catch-22_-style satire to that of _Spaceballs_.

_Catch-22_ works so well because it's so damned serious about how over the top it is (e.g., the character whose last name was "Major", whose parents gave him the first name "Major", who was promoted to Major in the Army: Major Major Major). For me, that's almost where you are, maybe just a little beyond that, when you talk about canned miracles and resurrected robots. Then you push something so patently out of current Earth life into it, and it's like having Rick Moranis playing Dark Helmet. It's still humor, but of a much different type, and one I happen to like less.

Readability wise, all the "its" an "was'" make the passage a tad awkward. I'd look at changing up some of the passive language.

Is it just me or does this character seem like a darker version of Miracle Max from "The Princess Bride"?

[This message has been edited by Raisedbyswans (edited July 03, 2006).]

Honestly, that reference made me sympathize with Thradt. I feel like he's being abused by his flock.

I like the name Thradt because it looks easy to pronounce, even though it probably isn't. I'm just not one of those people that actually pronounces words in my head. And it's obviously alien. My initial impression was that humans had spread to other worlds, which had native species that adopted our religions. I know you said that's not the case later, which is disappointing. Since you recently started writing this, I encourage you to reconsider. You don't even need any or many human characters. I got the impression, from the kind of miracles he was performing and the number, that he resides in a small community. No reason for humans there.

And it would make sense for an alien who could "perform miracles" to get involved in the Catholic church. And from your intro I can see why he'd be less than thrilled with his job.