Corbin is a street urchin that lives at a time when genetically-engineered intelligence has created a wealth-based class system similar to that of America during the 1800s between whites and blacks. The “enlightened” upper class with their enhanced minds has turned the lower class “unfortunates” into homeless, street dwelling surfs. The enlightened unite the world under one treaty, abolish almost all religion, and turn all aggression towards the lower class.

While being held as a slave at a Catholic monastery, Corbin overhears a scheme for the Vatican to save its religion by taking over a part of Europe in a plot to secede from the United Enlightened Nations. The Pope knows that their military will be dismal compared to that of the UEN, so they lure masses of unfortunates to fight for them with fabricated promises of freedom and equality. Corbin, with his rare intellect, is the only one who can stop the Catholic’s evil agenda. He must escape the clutches of his captors and find a way to save millions of his people from dying needlessly before it's too late.

First, I think it's unnecessary and a little clunky to describe the world in comparison to a known world. I think it would be MUCH stronger to let your world stand on it's own.

Second, I think you'd be better served to stick to Corbin--he's what'll attract an agent/publisher/reader. Not the world. Instead of describing the evolution of the social system in such detail, stay with Corbin. IE. "Corbin, a street urchin, lives in a world in which genetic engineering has resulted in a regression of society. He, and millions like him, are at the mercy of the genetically enhanced enlightened class. Corbin has not hope of..." Blah, blah, blah.

Keep it focused on Corbin.

Also, make the theme of religious war a more central and important one before dropping the bomb of the Vatican underground scheme. I'd even go so far as to suggest a whole paragraph to lead the reader that way. It was kind of a leap to have to go from the idea of abolishing religion (an inherently good thing, IMO) to the understanding that the remaining religion was at the heart of a vile plot. Give me enough information to get me there.

Third, I'm not very convinced that Corbin has a good motivation for being involved. He comes across in the last sentence as a 'super hero in disguise,' rather than a kid who is caught up in things out of his control. An unlikely hero who becomes involved without wanting to is much more endearing than one who jumps in and says, "I'll save you!" I'm not saying Corbin is this type. He just comes across that way in your synopsis.

Fourth, nits... [suggestions in brackets]

quote:

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Corbin is a street urchin that [WHO] lives at a time when genetically-engineered intelligence has created a wealth-based class system similar to that of America during the 1800s between whites and blacks. The “enlightened” upper class[,] with their enhanced minds[,] has turned the lower class “unfortunates” into homeless, street dwelling surfs[serfs]. The enlightened unite the world under one treaty, abolish almost all religion, and turn all aggression towards the lower class.

While being held as a slave at a Catholic monastery, Corbin overhears a scheme for the Vatican to save its religion by taking over a part of Europe in a plot to secede from the United Enlightened Nations[Long sentence. Simplify or break up]. The Pope knows that their[his--use specific pronouns or nouns that more clearly define who.] military will be dismal compared to that of the UEN, so they[he] lure masses of unfortunates to fight for them[the church] with fabricated promises of freedom and equality. Corbin, with his rare intellect, is the only one who can stop the Catholic’s[Is there good reason to make a blanket accusation of evil? Can you specify an antagonist or group of antagonists? The Pope? The Bishops?] evil agenda. He must escape the clutches of his captors and find a way to save millions of his people from dying needlessly before it's too late.

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The summary has a sudden shift in perspective. First paragraph presents the genetically engineered elites as the bad guys. Then the second paragraph presents the Catholic Church as the bad guys.

Why pick on the Catholics? Wouldn't other organized religions be just at upset at being abolished? This summary reads as too anti-Catholic. Religious bigotry is not a good selling strategy in a query letter.

The very first line opens with "Corbin is a street urchin" then forward to paragraph 2 "Corbin is a slave in a monastery"

I think you're doing a disservice to your story with the opening paragraph and the comparison isn't really valid.
There's no problem with using the Catholic church - we recognize this is FICTION (at least most of us).

I recommend that you put "enlightened leaders" in quotes in the last sentence. My presumption was that you were referencing leaders of the upper class but better to make that a little clearer by again referencing the "enlightened" upper class.

Corbin is a slave who lives at a time when genetically-engineered intelligence has created a wealth-based class system. The “enlightened” upper class, with their enhanced minds, has turned the lower class “unfortunates” into homeless, street dwelling serfs. Corbin is discontent in the world of high class unity and watches helplessly as his people are treated worse and worse.
While enslaved at a monastery, Corbin overhears a plot to recruit “unfortunates”, with fabricated promises of freedom and equality, for a war of secession. His rare intellect and knowledge of the truth behind the campaign make him the only one who can stop his people from being slaughtered needlessly. Corbin finds himself befriending and recruiting other “unfortunates”, infiltrating and interrogating “enlightened” leaders, and even killing while trying to stop the rebellion, but there’s precious little time before the war begins and blood starts to spill.

I get confused when you say, "Corbin is discontent in the world of high class unity..." because you said earlier he is a slave. So he isn't IN the high class. If I'm reading your other info correctly, you should rephrase this, "Corbin is discontent in such a divided world..." or some such thing. (If I'm wrong, and he starts out as one of the elite...ignore all of that.)

Also, I think "discontent" should be "discontented." (Or, you can say, "Corbin feels discontent...")

A comma here: "...high class unity, and watches helplessly..." would aid the clarity of that sentence, even though it is grammatically correct without one.

I don't like the repetition of "slave" and "enslaved" in such similar positions in their respective paragraphs.

The first sentence of the second paragraph tried to cover too much ground. It could be helped by using the first sentence to clarify WHO is making the plot. (Other "unfortunates"? Or the monks? I think you answered this earlier, but this fragment doesn't answer the question effectively.)

I can't really explain how I'd fix that long sentence without providing an awful example:

"While serving in a monastery, Corbin overhears the monks plotting to recruit his fellow 'unfortunates' into a hopeless war of succession. They plan to offer fabricated promises of freedom and equality, but Corbin sees that the war will bring only death and further hardships to his people."

Corbin’s life as a non-enhanced “unfortunate” has strengthened him through his childhood years. His parents were killed when he was six-years-old, he was almost murdered at eight, and then survived through animalistic torture at ten. Now sixteen, he is a slave to the monastic priesthood in a secluded monastery.
Corbin watches the world change around him as the intelligence-enhanced “enlightened” tread on the “unfortunates” with new found fury. He realizes that the only thing stopping complete unity of the world was the diversity still in it: them. He, along with the other two “unfortunates” held captive, escape from the Catholic sanctuary only after blackmailing the priests into compliance. Now Corbin is integrated within a group of others like him and strives to live at peace, but to no avail. While he was at the monastery he overheard the priests plotting to recruit his fellow “unfortunates” into a hopeless war of secession. They plan to offer fabricated promises of freedom and equality, but he sees that the war will bring only death and further hardships to his people. His rare intellect and knowledge of the truth behind the campaign make him the only one who can stop his people from being slaughtered needlessly, but time is running out.

Corbin can't do all these things if he's a street urchin. Maybe he *was* a street urchin.

You'll need some explanation of why the enlightened keep the poor as slaves, rather than just ignoring them. In the past, it was labor, but we need less and less manual labor, as automation progresses. Also consider that it was the powerful classes that *helped* the less powerful in many cases in recent history; taking just the US, we have abolitionism, civil rights, and philanthropy as examples. Those that wanted slaves kept down in antebellum times wanted the money to be made off it. What money is to be made from oppressing these unfortunate. Of course, that's not the only motivation -- cf the Holocaust -- but we'll need some reason.

I would like some sense that the world is not divided clearly into totally good and totally evil sides (although that may not make it to the 1-paragraph synopsis).

I'm not sure I like the backstory about his past to start the query letter. I'm going to presume that as an "unfortunate" life wasn't easy up to this point.

How about:

Sixteen year old, Corbin is a slave to the monastic priesthood. Consigned to watching the benefits of life pass to the genetically engineered "enlightened" rich, he realizes that the only thing stopping the complete unity of the world was the diversity still in it: him and the others like him, the unenlightened "unfortunates". After blackmailing his way to freedom with knowledge of a plot to use the "unfortunates" to start a hopeless war of sucession by the church, Corbin . . .

Also, is "needlessly" necessary after "slaughtered?"

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Corbin is a street urchin that lives at a time when genetically-engineered intelligence has created a wealth-based class system similar to that of America during the 1800s between whites and blacks.
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That phrase is way to packed. Chop it up into two or three.
The white/black devide in the 1800 wasn't only based upon wealth. Racial segregation played a major part. I'm sure if you were black and poor in the 1800 you had a harder time that if you were white and poor. Maybe cutting the "wealth-based" would do do trick. "Class-system already suggests a division, the agent might not need to know about what at this point.

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The “enlightened” upper class with their enhanced minds has turned the lower class “unfortunates” into homeless, street dwelling surfs. The enlightened unite the world under one treaty, abolish almost all religion, and turn all aggression towards the lower class.
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If the United Enlightened Nations is an institution you're going to use, why not just talk about "Enlightened" with capitals?

In the next paragraph you might want to explain why your MC has a high IQ since everyone who's modified to have one is Enlightened and he's just a slave.

Ups I was posting on the first version