My title stinks. I need a better one. I'm also interested in your impressions of what will follow. What promises do you expect me to fulfill?
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The quarter-mile driveway from the main road to Landon House flashed by in a tunnel of green. Ginger Stuyvesant knew her hair would be in a state when she arrived, but Lillian's telegram had sounded urgent.
When Ginger pulled the Morris-Cowley around the circular drive, Lillian's butler came down the stairs as if he still expected to take the reins of a horse. These Brits had such queer, old-fashioned ways. She pulled off her cloche and stuffed it into the pocket of her driving coat as she got out of the car.
"Ginger, darling! Thank heavens you've come." In a flurry of lace and satin, Lillian Reese-Landon flung herself down the stairs. Even in the daylight, circles of fear rippled through her aura.
[This message has been edited by MaryRobinette (edited June 26, 2006).]
[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited June 27, 2006).]
posted
I love the way you've phrased your question...
Hmmm.. Well with this little snippet I am expecting a traditional Elizabethan-styled horror story. Of course, I see the setting isn't in the Elizabethan era, but expect the structure and prose to be reminiscent of this type of storytelling. I wouldn't expect any traditional fantasy elements nor technology to have a bearing on the story. The one question I have is whether the nursery in question is for plants or babies -- I'll assume the latter. As far as the title - you're right, it sounds rather mundane, but without reading more (which I'd be happy to)it's difficult to suggest an alternative.
posted
Hum...titles are not my strong suit either, and with so little of the story it's hard to make up a better one (though I do agree it's a little bland as far as titles go).
I expect -to be introduced to the mystery of the haunted nursery--and for the mystery to be solved (ie why is it haunted, or for the ghost to be exorcised, or both) -to understand why Lilian is so afraid -Ginger's psychic talents to play a major part in what will follow -a better sense of the relationship between Lilian and Ginger--ie why did Ginger come all that way: for Lilian, or for the haunted nursery?
And bonus points if the butler's involved anywhere in the haunting
posted
Your title does not stink. I like it. I think it fits the excellent tone you set up in these first thirteen. Overall, great work.
A few nits: Should read "Brits had such queer, old-fashioned ways." Got rid of the "a"
I didn't like "flung herself down the stairs" Sounded odd and a bit forced. Flung reads more like thrown by force. Does one forcefully throw themselves down the stairs? Better to try another less obtrusive verb like ran.
posted
The word "cloche" intrigues me because, like "nursery", it has a double meaning ( a hat or a cover to protect plants from frost). I'm curious about her hair and I can visualize it even though you did not discribe it.
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posted
I like your opener because I immediately felt oriented in time and place. That would make me keep reading.
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posted
I say just go with 'Haunted Nursery' (The formula, Main character and the something, is a bit too much like Harry Potter. Not that Harry Potter is bad.)
As for the fragment, I'd keep on reading. I'd also wonder why the butler doesn't have fear ripples.
posted
Very funny trousercuit, first time in a while I have laughed out loud at a post. Insightful, but I abhor long titles, unless humorous. What about "Echoes of Ginger". It sounds odd, and very cryptic/misleading, but then again, I love odd and cryptic. I have no idea whether it would fit your story, but with a haunted nursery.....who knows (NOSE KNOWS!).
Edit: spelt nose wrong...
[This message has been edited by Rilnian (edited June 27, 2006).]
posted
(Sorry it was long, Kathleen, my margins defaulted to .75 and I didn't notice.)
Aside from the baby/plant confusion, I am still interested in your impressions of what will follow. What promises do you expect me to fulfill?
My guess is that the plant impression is coming from my first sentence. What if I took the word out of the title and the first time you encountered it was here?
quote:Ginger embraced her university friend. "Of course! Haunted nursery? Your first born child? How could I stay away?"
posted
Uh, plant nurseries are for baby plants. That's why they're called nurseries.
Incidentally, in your earlier post (the first response in the thread) did you really mean Elizabethan, or Victorian? I would have thought the latter to be the typical period for a ghost/mystery story. Though this one I'm taking as Edwardian, or maybe George V's reign.
A few notes. I'm not at all sure whether "Brit" was common slang of the period, as used by Americans (I'm assuming, from that reference and from the name, that Ginger Stuvesant is an American). A butler would be unlikely to take the reins of a horse, unless the butler is the only manservant Lillian's got (which is possible); it would normally be a groom or a footman. The butler is the very top of the tree in terms of personal staff, and normally delegates anything menial (and particularly anything likely to be messy) to other members of the household.
Stuffing a hat into a pocket is a surefire way of crumpling it beyond recognition, I would have thought.
Reese-Landon (despite being double-barrelled) sounds more like an American name, to be honest, so I'm not sure if this is set in the US but with an English butler or set in the UK.
As for the title - it's probably fine if you're going to write a series of Ginger Stuyvesant mysteries (it has the right feel for the period), but as a one-off, it might not work as well.
I would read on, at least for now; the hook (aside from the title) is that Ginger can see Lillian's aura, so is clearly psychic.
posted
Darn. I originally had a liveried footman come out for the car, but I was hoping to get away with avoiding introducing unneccessary characters.
Yes, this is the first in a series. The working title of the next one is "Ginger Stuyvesant and the Case of the Disappointed Bridgroom." I'm looking for something between Sherlock Holmes and Nancy Drew in feel.
I am relieved that people seem to be getting most of the things I want them too. I think which kind of nursery I mean is now handled in the fourteenth line.
Here are my revised first thirteen.
quote: The quarter-mile driveway from the main road to Fairbairn Hall flashed by in a tunnel of green. Ginger Stuyvesant's hair would be in a state when she arrived, but Lillian's telegram had sounded urgent.
When she pulled the Morris-Cowley around the circular drive, a liveried manservant came down the stairs as if he still expected to take the reins of a horse. These Brits had such queer, old-fashioned ways. She pulled off her cloche, hoping it had controlled the worst of the damage to her Marcel wave.
"Ginger, darling! Thank heavens you've come." In a flurry of lace and satin, Lillian Rhodes hurried down the stairs. Even in the daylight, circles of fear rippled through her aura.
posted
I like the title. I also like the name Ginger Stuyvesant.
"Ginger Stuyvesant's hair would be in a state when she arrived, but Lillian's telegram had sounded urgent."
There is something passive about in the construction. "Lillian's telegram sounded urgent, and the disarray of Ginger's hair showed..." I don't know. I do think you start with the urgent telegram and find another way to show that Ginger looks disheveled.
"When she pulled the Morris-Cowley around the circular drive, a liveried manservant came down the stairs as if he still expected to take the reins of a horse. These Brits had such queer, old-fashioned ways. She pulled off her cloche, hoping it had controlled the worst of the damage to her Marcel wave."
I'd change it to "as if ready." A hundred years and the invention of the automobile had left the manners of these English servants untouched. Ginger half-expected to find a herald at the door.
The story is finished and after a bout of editing last night is down to 6500 words. I never have time to critique anymore or I'd be asking for first readers on this puppy.
I originally had "Ginger Stuyvesant knew that her hair would be in a state..." but changed it because the "knew" seemed a little distancing. I think that would be true farther into the story when we're firmly in her POV. However, I'm looking at it again and thinking that since this is the first paragraph that it might need the "knew." Would that change your feeling about the passivity?
[This message has been edited by MaryRobinette (edited June 27, 2006).]
posted
Don't forget you're also using the first few paragraphs to establish POV firmly. The "Ginger Stuyvesant knew her hair..." sounds perfectly fine to me within that context.
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I immediately thought baby nurseries, for two reasons. One, it's British, and I think "nursery" for plants is an American term. Two, ghosts in the baby nursery seem reasonable (it *is* indoors) but ghosts out in the greenhouse is a little strange.
posted
I would love to read this sometime, though I'm still not quite back from vacation.
Though not technically passive, your opening does misdirect our sense of action. The first couple of lines definitely imply that Ginger is not the direct actor, but she is. She's driving the Morris Cowley, after all.
Telegrams are usually quite short. It might not take much more space to mention the actual contents of the telegram than to mention it at all.
Also, Ginger might have reason to pay special attention to the particulars of Landon House as it came into view. You know, if Lillian wasn't specific about what was wrong. That would be helpful in terms of scene establishment.
posted
Ah. Good point, Survivor. I knew something was bothering me about the opening but I couldn't quite put my finger on it.
So, more like this.
quote:With her cloche pulled tight over her head, Ginger Stuyvesant pushed her Morris-Cowley as fast as it would go. The quarter-mile driveway from the main road to Fairbairn Hall flashed by in a tunnel of green. Her hair would be in a state when she arrived, but Lillian's telegram had said, "HAUNTED NURSERY. WORRIED ABOUT BABY. HELP?"
When she pulled around the circular drive of the manor house, a liveried manservant came down the grand stairs as if he still expected to take the reins of a horse. These Brits had such queer, old-fashioned ways. She pulled off her cloche, hoping it had controlled the worst of the damage to her Marcel wave.
posted
I think you just neutered the story. I'd be thinking, "Just keep the baby out of the greenhouse and problem solved."
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posted
So let's see, the two characters introduced are "Ginger" and "Lillian Landon" (possibly "Lilly" to her friends). It's about a nursery and one of them is wearing a cloche, and you don't want this to be connected to plants?
Maybe use "creche" in place of nursery, "Vivian" instead of Lillian, and something else for the hat.
quote:Did you mean that including the telegram or changing the first line neutered the story? Or both?
Both, I think, but the telegram really doesn't do it for me. It's obvious what its contents actually were in the first version, and it flowed better. But that's just my opinion.
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posted
Hm...It was worth experimenting with the telegram, but I think the reason I left it out in the first place was because it was too much, too quick. Not sure about the first line.
quote:With her cloche pulled tight over her head, Ginger Stuyvesant pushed her Morris-Cowley to its limit. The quarter-mile driveway from the main road to Fairbairn Hall flashed by in a tunnel of green. Her hair would be in a state when she arrived, but Lillian's telegram had sounded urgent.
posted
Ah. Figured it out on my own. By moving the Morris-Cowley to the first paragraph I introduce to many names at once.
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posted
You introduce it as a name rather than an object.
The telegram didn't do it for me either. Who outside of Bedlam would write such a message, and what respectable service would transmit it? You've got to remember, with the telegram, at least two other people end up knowing the entire contents of the message along with the identity of the sender and recipient. It seemed totally implausible. Make it something that pleads for assistance, but does so without sounding insane. Composing a meaningful telegram was quite the artform among individuals who valued their privacy back in the day. And it is one that would serve you well here, at the outset of your story.
As for the Morris-Cowley, you need a first reference that clearly establishes that Ginger is driving a car. I would advise starting when she turns off the main road. Or just skipping the entire car scene, start in the drawing room or whereever she goes to get her full briefing.
quote:Ginger cautiously sipped her tea, both to disguise her lack of experience and to better observe Lillian.
Or not. I don't know how things go, after all. But if you start with the driving, you need to both clearly establish the scene and then accomplish something in it before changing venue (getting out of the car).
Printer-friendly view of this topic
-- I'll assume the latter.
