posted
New beginning of a novella. The Shedda, (Like carik) are a non-religious order of Psions (Telepaths) Mika, his son, is A, A boy, B, a hero from legend his house and line make him a wanted fugitive. This story starts after the attack on the Song of the Sands has commenced and Carik and Mika are running for their lives.
(I may post the other version later too.)
Carik slid to a stop in front of the doorway, trying not to drop the bundle he carried in his arms. The deck wasn’t quite level so that even with his deck shoes on, he couldn’t stop correctly. Besides the tilt of the deck working without sleep was becoming a real hindrance. He checked the corridor one more time before attempting to key open the doorway. It took three tries to put the code in correctly, looking over his shoulder every few seconds wasn’t helping. Once he had unlocked the computer pad, he quickly keyed open the door to the small room and looked inside. Seeing and feeling no sign of the assassins he slipped inside and put the bundle down near the foot of the bed, pushing the metal footlocker under the desk to get it out of the way.
posted
Carik slid to a stop in front of the doorway, trying not to drop the bundle he carried in his arms.
[Leave out 'he carried' or leave out 'in his arms', unless he's carrying it with his feet or on his head.
I might also replace the word 'trying' with 'fighting' or 'managing'.]
The deck wasn’t quite level so that even with his deck shoes on, he couldn’t stop correctly.
[Leave out 'that' and possibly leave out 'so', and put in a comma or period instead.]
Besides the tilt of the deck working without sleep was becoming a real hindrance.
[Leave out 'besides the tilt of the deck' and make it, 'Working without sleep was becoming a real hinderance, too.']
He checked the corridor one more time before attempting to key open the doorway.
[He's trying to open a door, not a doorway, correct? So 'door'.]
It took three tries to put the code in correctly, looking over his shoulder every few seconds wasn’t helping.
[This sentence is a little awkward and distant, we aren't really there with him yet. Perhaps it and the sentence about checking the corridor one more time could run together in one or two sentences describing him looking, then trying to put the code in, still looking up and down the corridor as his fingers try to hit the keys correctly.]
Once he had unlocked the computer pad, he quickly keyed open the door to the small room and looked inside.
[I'm confused, are there two rooms? An inner and outer room? Two keypads?]
Seeing and feeling no sign of the assassins he slipped inside and put the bundle down near the foot of the bed, pushing the metal footlocker under the desk to get it out of the way.
[Comma after assassins. Probably you don't want to leave this as one sentence either, it's long. Besides, did he push the footlocker out of the way before he put down the bundle? If so, put that first, if not, it's a separate action and it wants to be a separate sentence to avoid confusion.]
[I'm just going to go become an english teacher so I can torture people properly and get paid for it...]
posted
Thank you, And me an english major... tsk tsk. As to the pad question the door locks from both sides with a keypad. But he had, I'm sure, locked everything down to keep the assassins guessing... This story has been coming by bits and pieces. This section is less workes because it was recently added. It started two pages later, but people were wondering how Mika and Carik had gotten to that point, and I felt if I backed up about twenty minutes I could lay enough backstory to help set the scene... I don't know which beginning I like better though.
Posts: 151 | Registered: Jun 2006
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posted
Ah, but as an english major, you aren't torturing students...at least not yet.
I couldn't do it, though. I can be a nitpicky reader all day, but I can't fail someone for failing to use the correct font, not turning in an outline, or citing sources in the 'wrong' format.
Carik slid to a stop in front of the door, fighting not to drop the precious bundle he carried. The deck wasn’t quite level so even with the non-skid deck shoes stopping was a chore. Working without sleep was cutting into his reaction time too. He checked the corridor one more time before attempting to key open the door with the Captains’ override. It took three tries to put the code in correctly, as the numbers and letters blurred in front of him. Looking over his shoulder every few seconds wasn’t helping. Once the door had opened, he poked his head inside to look around. Seeing and feeling no sign of the assassins, he slipped inside. He looked around for a moment before moving the footlocker from the corner and placing the bundle between the bed and the wall.
[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited June 27, 2006).]
posted
Much better. But just in case I ever do decide to be an english teacher, I'm going to practice being evil and nitpicky some more...
a chore.
[I might make that: 'difficult']
He checked the corridor one more time before attempting to key open the door with the Captains’ override.
[Oooo now we know he's either the captain, or he stole the code. I like it.]
Once the door had opened,
[Leave out 'had']
He looked around for a moment
[He already looked, so is he looking around a moment more? What is he looking at? Is there a place they might hide where he would double check?]
The Song of the Sands was having trouble, that much he knew.
['that much he knew' indicates he doesn't really know much about the ship. If that's true, then why doesn't he?]
He pulled himself from wall to wall and began tracing a design on the four walls.
[Hrm, he was clutching the bed, now he's pulling himself wall to wall, then tracing a design on the wall. Transition might help, either he's doing it even though the ship still bucks, or there is a pause in the boarding charge (an explosive charge, right?).]
Carik slid to a stop in front of the door, fighting not to drop the precious bundle he carried. The deck wasn’t quite level so even with the non-skid deck shoes stopping was difficult. Working without sleep was cutting into his reaction time as well. He checked the corridor before attempting to key open the doorway with the Captains’ override. It took three tries to put the code in correctly, as the numbers and letters blurred in front of him. Looking over his shoulder every few seconds wasn’t helping. Once the door had opened, he poked his head inside to look around. Seeing and feeling no sign of the assassins, he slipped inside. He quickly pulled the locker from the foot of the bed and put down his bundle.
[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited June 27, 2006).]
posted
Oh good, that gets cleared up, then. Not that you couldn't clear it up by calling him Captain right off, but I don't see why you need to even if there's no reason not to at this point.
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posted
Firstly, he's not the type to flaunt that. And he's not the 'captain' in the military sense so much as the ship is his. He's the commander of the ship by default because it is his.
Posts: 151 | Registered: Jun 2006
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posted
Except that the fact comes up later. In this society steel is transferred from father to son... so (when) carik dies it will be Mika's ship. (BTW, the bundle is his son, Mika.)
Posts: 151 | Registered: Jun 2006
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posted
Ok, I will say, I liked the idea. What intrigued me much more, although it has nothing to do with your story, is the edit always made by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury. I know, its for length matters, and such. But it still ingtrigues me due to the lack of note added by the editor. A "1984" feeling I guess. Kathleen is watching you!
Posts: 37 | Registered: Jun 2006
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posted
As to the boarding charge. He's assessing the situation and the ship bucks as they blast a hole in the side to board. He's locked all the doors against them so that the only way they have in to important sections is by blasting.
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----------------------------------------------------------- Carik slid to a stop in front of the door, fighting not to drop the precious bundle he carried. The deck wasn’t quite level so even with the non-skid deck shoes stopping was difficult. ------------------------------------------------------ Not much to pick in the first three lines: maybe "slid to a halt" so that you don't repeat stop/stopping. Coma after "level"
------------------------------------------------------ Working without sleep was cutting into his reaction time as well. -------------------------------------------------------- Cut "as well" for more immediacy and faster action.
--------------------------------------------------- He checked the corridor before attempting to key open the doorway with the Captains’ override. ----------------------------------------------------- Why not "he checked the corridor before opening the doorway with the Captains' override" He manages to do it, so using "attempt to" doesn't add much to the story. It slows the action down.
------------------------------------------------------- It took three tries to put the code in correctly, as the numbers and letters blurred in front of him. Looking over his shoulder every few seconds wasn’t helping. O-nce the door had opened, he poked his head inside to look around. ------------------------------------------------------------- I would put a full stop after "correctly" and cut the "as". Maybe "It didn't help, that he kept looking over his shoulder" is more immediate... dunno. "Once the door opened..." No need for imperfect tense here.
In general: I like it. The text is fine. I didn't get a word of the intro you wrote for the text in the first post. It sounds complex, good luck getting it across in the story. Well done, it will be interesting.
[This message has been edited by Sara Genge (edited June 30, 2006).]
posted
The intro is about the bundle that he is carrying. The bundle is his son Mika, who, without his knowledge (mika's that is) is the reason for the attack and the subsequent actions.
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