posted
This one came out of nowhere. Don't really know where I'm going with this, but kinda.
I miss the color red. I don't remember the last time I was able to see it, but I miss it. The doctors say these glasses keep me from getting dazzled, but I think they are afraid. Detective DiAmbrosi closed the book. He'd found the journal a few years ago. He never remembered writing it, but it was true, he did miss being able to see red. He'd worn the proscribed green sunglasses every day since he was diagnosed at ten with a rare light sensitivity. He slid the hated sunglasses off, but couldn't force his eyes to open. He was a few moments into the test when the doorbell rang, causing him to put the glasses back on. Once the package was inside the glasses came off again, and as he idly flipped through the packet, a red piece of paper slid to the floor, and a moment later, so did he.
posted
It seems like your skipping pieces of information. There's just enough to get back on but even in a small piece like this I felt I kept having to skip back to check I'd added up the pieces right.
You need to make it clear that the first sentence is a quote. It took me a while to work out that the Detective was reading his own journal.
Also, it's unclear that the knock at the door is someone delivering a package. You completely skip that event, and again the lack of information is jarring for the reader.
Slow the pace on this opening down a bit. It's good to be concise but make sure you give the reader all the information he/she needs.
Aside from those nits, I like the premise and I'm definitely intrigued. Plus you're style is nice and clear.
"I miss the color red. I don't remember the last time I was able to see it, but I miss it. The doctors say these glasses keep me from getting dazzled, but I think they are afraid." Detective DiAmbrosi closed the book. He'd found the journal a few years ago. He never remembered writing it, but it was true, he did miss being able to see red. He'd worn the proscribed green sunglasses every day since he was diagnosed at ten with a rare light sensitivity. He slid the hated sunglasses off, but couldn't force his eyes to open. He was a few moments into the test when the doorbell rang, causing him to put the glasses back on. He checked the small Tv screen that showed his doorstep. It was a courier. The package contained a dossier, and a small red slip of paper.
posted
The opening line is really intersting and if the story continued in first person, I'd be excited. As it is, it feels like a fairly cheap way to let us know that your detective can't tolerate the color red. Unless the journal is going to play a key role in the story, it is functioning as a exposition gimmick. I think you can find other ways to do that which would work more smoothly in the action.
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posted
It will become important because he doesn't know WHY they don't want him seeing red. A few sentences later we figure out what he spends the whole time trying to understand. It's a sci-fi in the bent of Evil doctors messing with Genetics meets Dr jeckel and MR hyde meets eerie indiana.
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posted
Okay. I thought he just had a form of autism. That sometimes comes with color sensitivity.
Here's a question I'd want answered in the text or changed so the question doesn't arise. If he found the journal a few years ago, why is he reading it now? Does this mean he's been wondering about the red thing for years?
posted
Yes, periodically he tries the same test he just tried, but, as always he gets interrupted, something always happens that makes him put on his glasses. It is comming up now because he has decided, finally that he wants to know more.
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posted
That sounds unrealistic. If someone told me to do something that I didn't like to do I'd at least experiment not doing it. Unless he's autistic and/or pathologically compliant, he'd need a real reason to not take his glasses off. Maybe he gets epileptic attacks when he does, maybe they've told him he'll die or loose his eyesight if he does.
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posted
He is neither, and this is where sci-fi comes in. He is a trained and genetically altered agent of the government. His aversion to red is for security. He is programmed to become a killer and one of his triggers is red so they took it away from him.
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posted
They told him, and this much is true, he is sensitive to light, their embellishment is that the Red spectrum specifically, he doesn't know why, in fact, that is one of the things he is trying to find out. They are controlling him not only against his will but, for the most part without his knowledge.
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“I miss the color red.” He was alone with his supercomputer or he never would have voiced that. The doctors had told him that he had to wear the green glasses; a rare light sensitivity they said. And he had worn them. Every waking moment since he was ten he had worn them. But he was tired of grey roses and poinsettias. He took off his glasses and tried to open his eyes, but they wouldn’t obey him, they rarely would when he tried this. He stood there, eyes closed, listening to the world around him. But before he’d managed to count to five, a knock sounded at the door. He tried to open his eyes, and, with a sigh, put the green sunglasses back on and checked the video feed.
[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited July 03, 2006).]
posted
Thank you, I'll try that. You are supposed to feel for him, and you are supposed to care, because in about two sentences you find out WHY they don't want him taking the glasses off.
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posted
“I miss the color red.” He was alone with his supercomputer or he never would have voiced that. The doctors had told him that he had to wear the green glasses; a rare light sensitivity they said. And he had worn them. Every waking moment since he was ten he had worn them. But he was tired of grey roses and poinsettias. He took off his glasses and tried to open his eyes, but they wouldn’t obey him, they never would when he tried this. He stood there, eyes closed, listening to the world around him. But before he’d managed to count to five, a knock sounded at the door. He tried one more time to open his eyes, sighed, put on the glasses and checked the video feed.
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