As far as Edlan could see, there were two ways to leave the Mariner's Freehouse tonight. One: via the door with his pride a little dented. Two: through the closed window with his face caved in.
Grim the inn-keeper was clearly a thieving swine. And Edlan wagered he was a damn sight better bar brawler than he was a card player.
'Gaming tax?' He echoed quizzically. 'That's nearly seventy five percent of my winnings.’
'Tax on foreigners is levied higher, I'm afraid,' Grim said. He didn’t look or sound afraid.
The man was not so tall, Edlan noted, though what he lacked in height he more than made up for in width. He had anvil-shaped

"Grim the inn-keeper was clearly a thieving swine..."

This needs some punctuation: "Grim, the inn-keeper, was clearly a thieving swine..." By setting the word "Grim" off with commas, we realize you are using the word as a name and not as a description of his mood.

..."And Edlan wagered he was a damn sight better bar brawler than he was a card player."

I'm not sure if this means Grim or Edlan is the better bar brawler.

I'm not hooked, but it may be just me. I'm not much for brawling in tavern stories. It seems a bit cliche'd for my tastes. However, on the other hand, I think you've done a good job establishing the setting and the scene.

In the first bit of dialogue, you should change the "he" to a name, so the reader is certain who has just said " 'Gaming tax?' "

I like what you've done with the setting, and with the characterization as far as it goes. I know I'm going to read about a fight (or the evasion of one), and I know the POV character is calculating the odds.

But what makes this fight different from others? Why does getting cheated matter to the MC (besides the obvious)? Why are they cheating him? What thoughts (besides the obvious) does the MC have about running or fighting? What makes these characters unique?

You do have a problem with pronoun usage, and some of your conjunctions could be revised. But overall I think that the intent of the text comes across very strongly despite minor mechanical flaws.

I think that he's in a situation where there's clearly a lot of question as to whether Edlan can appease his way out of a fight. The ridiculous "gaming tax" is an obvious pretext. If he simply pays it, Grim will just come up with something else. If he simply refuses to pay it, he'll have to fight. So Edlan needs to persuade Grim that a fight won't benefit him.

That much seems clear to me, and I suspect it's clear to you as well, but it seems something needs to be done to make it a bit more clear to other readers.

The scene does escalate in the next few paragraphs, and any questions the reader may have about why the MC is partaking in gambling and brawling I have hopefully answered with a short piece of introspection - no flashback here! As for the confliction between the use of the pre-technological term 'inn-keeper'and the modern hyperbole of somebodies face being 'caved in', this is deliberate as the age is actually post-technology, but perhaps it too jarring.

Would anyone be willing to look at the first chapter when its finished please? Hopefully this will be by the end of the week. I will gladly reciprocate the favour.

Anyhow, after reviewing your comments and others outside of this forum I've decided to start from a completely different place in the story...your thoughts please, is there more of hook this time round? any comments welcome.

Mister Crater had heard stories about people that died in stasis. Or at best, woke up old and frail due to shoddy technology, the best part of their lives having ebbed away in the long cold night.
With the storage bank charges he paid, though, he didn’t expect this to happen to him. He was a blue chip account holder at Perpetual Genubank- they were a professional time-subversion outfit.
Nevertheless, as the stasis field collapsed, he lay there on his back in the darkness of the storage chamber, listening for signs of life beyond the walls. A minute passed, maybe two, before the first inkling of paranoia manifested itself – had he overslept his own lifespan? Was he destined to an eternity of sensory depravation in purgatory?

So I will. I had a devil of a time getting through the first sentence, understanding what you meant -- that option #2 meant somebody would throw him through a window.

After that, though, I was hooked.

On this one:

I would keep reading, but I do think it could be improved: I feel distant from the MC. I think it's because he's thinking calmly and rationally about being trapped and dying! You say paranoia is seeping in, but I don't see it.

If this is like waking up, maybe he could start out half-awake, then realize that something was wrong, and start to panic.

If it's not, maybe he could be disoriented, thinking that he hasn't been in stasis yet (after all, how could he know?), wonder why it didn't work, then start to panic when he gets some clue that things are different.

Anyhow, Survivor, your way off the mark, guess this still needs a lot of refining. I had the idea of people using cold sleep as an investment scheme (amongst other things) - like invest X amount now and subvert 50 years in the blink of an eye, collecting half a centuries accrued interest in the process.

Also, cold sleep creates severe problems with competency and power of attorney arrangements. Not that people wouldn't do it anyway, but you couldn't plausibly do it for profit.