posted
Voices of an angelic choral painted in the missing colors of the North Dakota summer’s twilight. The harmonious rhythms of the evangelical canvas danced with the everlasting Plains wind. The musical breeze carried the heat of the day away from the crowd seated inside, who swayed to the effect of the hymns. The crowd of believers, which had gathered for this third and last upheaval, was eager to see the chosen child. The ‘one’ whispered about whenever believers gathered. The ‘one’ that, three months ago, they had heard might be stopping in their little town. The ‘one’ they read about in their prayer pamphlet. The pamphlet that now doubled as a fan to drive off the humidity of the approaching storms. This was a child of miracles. A real angel sent from heaven to spread the message of truth and self-healing.
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posted
Is there something specific you need for these? Do you need a critique on the whole piece? Genre? Word count?
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posted
Well, I’m interested in this being critiqued. But I’m mainly looking to see if it is interesting enough for anyone to want to read the first chapter? The rough draft of the book is done and I’m working on the rewrite. But if no one finds it interesting I’ll just work on other projects.
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posted
Personally, I'd lose the 2nd sentence. You've conjured an incredible with the first sentence--absolutely stunned me--but then you linger on it too long with that 2nd sentence (which feels like a weak replay of the first) before moving into the action of the story. So I'd skip.
Aside from that I had no real issues. It might be worth specifically mentioning a church rather than forcing readers to surmise it, but it's pretty obvious, so it might not be.
posted
I love your descriptive prose, it was well done and you can't beat the rythm of it. I agree with the last comment the first sentence painted the scene - fantastically. Well done...your descriptions near Tolkien like ability.
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posted
Wrong choice for first sentence. First you give a nice description but it hangs in the void because we still don't know what you're describing. Cut half of the modifiers and this will read better. Eg: if the choral isn't really composed of angels, cut the "angelic", cut the "summer" in "summer's twilight", cut the "missing". If you can't do without this info, unwravel it into two or three phrases with strong verbs.
-------------------------------------------------------------- The harmonious rhythms of the evangelical canvas danced with the everlasting Plains wind. --------------------------------------------------------------
I take it that this means that the music was good. This description doesn't add any info to the statement "the music was good". Either show us how the audience reacts to it, or cut it.
------------------------------------------------------------- The musical breeze carried the heat of the day away from the crowd seated inside, who swayed to the effect of the hymns. ------------------------------------------------------------
Clumsy phrase because in the first part it's "the musical breeze" who is the subject and then there's a shift to "the crowd"
---------------------------------------------------------- The crowd of believers, which had gathered for this third and last upheaval, was eager to see the chosen child. ----------------------------------------------------------
Same use of pronouns as in the last phrase, gets repetitive.
------------------------------------------------------------ The ‘one’ whispered about whenever believers gathered. The ‘one’ that, three months ago, they had heard might be stopping in their little town. The ‘one’ they read about in their prayer pamphlet. The pamphlet that now doubled as a fan to drive off the humidity of the approaching storms. This was a child of miracles. A real angel sent from heaven to spread the message of truth and self-healing -------------------------------------------------------------- That last paragraph is the Macguffin, the big idea. You should start _there_ and then go and describe the congregation if you want to.
Nice voice. I'm glad someone still feels the need to use description, I've read too much stuff lately that was just plot plot, plot. But that's just me being grouchy.
I'll read the first chapter
[This message has been edited by Sara Genge (edited August 02, 2006).]
While I liked the imagry, it was laid on a bit thick for me. There is also a lot of repetition that you could cut without losing the details and feel.
quote: Voices of an angelic choral painted in the missing colors of the North Dakota summer’s twilight. The harmonious rhythms of the evangelical canvas danced with the everlasting Plains wind.
The reference to "angelic choral", "harmonious" and "evangelical canvas" was too much for me, especially where the next sentance is also a music reference "muscial breeze" and "hymms." The first two sentances read, to me at least, as though you are either (1) trying to hard, or (2) trying to impress me with how clever your writing is. I will still think the writing is clever if you tone it down. If not, I'll put the book down.
Nits - how does a "choral" (I assume you mean Choir) paint colors? Is this a literal reference and there is magic involved or figurative. If literal I need to know that right off. Otherwise, I'm a bit confused and keep seeing the scene from The Phantom Tollbooth where they do actually play the colors of the sun rise and set. I'm not sure that is the image you were hoping for.
Also, "Evangelical canvas" I took to mean as the tent. So how did it have a "harmonious rythem?"
The balance of the paragraph seemed very repetitious. There are three sentances in a row that start with "The "one" that . . "
quote: The crowd of believers, which had gathered for this third and last upheaval, was eager to see the chosen child. A real angel sent from heaven to spread the message of truth and self-healing.
. . . might be a better place to start than with the music. You can weave the music in later but the child is the point. Now your POV can notice/describe what else is happening. But it seems to me that his/her first impression would be of the anticipation waiting for THE ONE?
Speaking of which, who is your POV?
Personal NIT - I hate references to the "humidity." Show me the humidity - is it curling the POV's normally straight hair? Is the wind providing no relief because it blows hot (102 in Washington, DC right now - AC is a wonderful thing)? The line that the crowd was using the prayer pamphlet as a fan told me everything I needed to know about the weather. I really liked that line. I think you can cut the "humidity" line without losing anything.
posted
The word "choral" is an adjective, and your first sentence doesn't make sense because "angelic choral" doesn't refer to anything. I think you are looking for the word "chorale".
Is the verb of the first sentence "painted" or "painted in"? IMO, if you mean "painted in", you should find a different verb to avoid confusion. As it stands, it could read "Voices [painted in] the missing colors..." OR "Voices [painted] in the missing colors..." These two phrases conjure two different ideas.
I also got confused in the end of that sentence, because "summer's twilight" seems to be a singular moment, the end of summer. I think you could just say "...of the North Dakota summer twilight."
I'm not in love with the idea of an "evangelical canvas." It's a fuzzy image, especially when you attempt to reinforce the image with movement words like "rhythms" and "danced." "Canvas" is a stiff word, both in meaning and in consonant sounds, and it's hard to make it over into an airy, light image. I would either change "canvas", or change the words I use to reinforce the image. To be precise, I"d switch "rhythms" to "tones" (or something else that could refer to the "missing colors" of your first sentence..."tones" has the benefit of referring to both music and color.)
By the end of your second sentence, you've built a nice image of sound and color and place. But I think the word "with" stretches the image too far, because now you are trying to give the wind intent, suggest that it was dancing "with" the colors/voices. I think "in" would be fine. So: "The harmonious tones of the evangelical canvas danced in the everlasting Plains wind." (Actually, I might like to change "dance", too...and refer back to the colors again...something like "shimmered".)
"...seated inside..." Inside what? I've been thinking tent, because you used the word canvas, but are they in a building?
I think you need a paragraph break before introducing the crowd's thoughts.
You could drop "which had", "The crowd of believers, gathered for this third and last upheaval, was eager..."
The sentence "The pamphlet that now doubled as a fan to drive of the humidity of the approaching storms." feels like an aside, an observation that could as easily be enclosed in parenthesis. It interrupts the description of the child, and is a little too intrusive.
Finally, I'd set "A real angel" apart from the rest of the text somehow. It seems like the most important phrase in your fragment, but it fades away into the rest of the words. A simple comma would work to help it stand out, "A real angel, sent from heaven..."
The fragment has two very different tones. The first part is all poetic description of scenery, and the second part is all speculation about the child. You should refer back to the music, somewhere, as you describe how the crowd feels about this child, to keep your beautiful imagery in the reader's mind. I wish I had time to read this for you, because it seems interesting and I like your prose, but I'm short on time just now.
posted
Just curious, but why would you give up on this rather than edit it to clear up the confusion/issues that have been raised?
None of the comments as far as I could tell reached the "throw it away and try again" stage.
A lot of us were interested in the peice. After all, we provided some fairly detailed comments on it. I would need to know the genre, which you still haven't told us, before I would know if I would be a useful editor.
[This message has been edited by kings_falcon (edited August 02, 2006).]
posted
I don't usually delete topics unless they are full of offensive stuff. People have posted material here that is intended to be helpful, and it would be unkind, to say the least, for me to delete their words.
If you want your own words removed, allmostcomatose, you can edit them out of your own posts yourself by selecting the pencil and paper icon above each of your posts.
posted
Someone asked about your POV, and you didn't answer the query.
That means it won't do you any good to move on to another project. It won't hurt you either (as long as you don't delete this one or anything), but your main problem isn't particular to this project.
POV is the fundamental of fiction writing. If you don't master the POV in which you choose to tell your story, then you simply cannot hold the audience. It doesn't help to change projects, there are no stories that can be told without understanding POV. You show a lot of raw ability with descriptive language (though your metaphors suffered from a serious lack of clarity and a few minor syntax glitches). But you need to utilize the basics of narrative.
posted
I do appreciate everyone’s input. The 1st draft of the book is done. The point of putting it up here, 13 lines of it at any rate, was to see if it was worth spending the next year in rewrites. Can anyone here tell me that doing rewrites isn’t the hardest part of writing? I have three other projects going and I don’t want to spend that much time on something which I will gain little from. If you can’t even tell the POV or have to pause, (to think about what is being described) in 13 lines then there is far too much work needed to justify the time to repair it. I have to get all these stories out of my head and on paper before they take over. In a couple years, when I have done a few more book drafts and learnt more about using the absolute correct words for a sentence, then I will do the rewrites. Thanks you all again for the input.
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cho·rale also cho·ral ( P ) Pronunciation Key (k-rl, -räl) n. A Protestant hymn melody. A harmonized hymn, especially one for organ. A chorus or choir.
adj 1: marked by utter benignity; resembling or befitting an angel or saint; "angelic benificence"; "a beatific smile"; "a saintly concern for his fellow men"; "my sainted mother" [syn: angelical, beatific, saintlike, saintly, sainted] 2: of or relating to angels; "angelic messenger" [syn: angelical]
3: having a sweet nature befitting an angel or cherub; "an angelic smile"; "a cherubic face"; "looking so seraphic when he slept"; "a sweet disposition" [syn: angelical, cherubic, seraphic, sweet]
adj 1: represented in a painting; "as idle as a painted ship upon a painted ocean" 2: coated with paint; "freshly painted lawn furniture" [ant: unpainted] 3: lacking substance or vitality as if produced by painting; "in public he wore a painted smile" 4: having makeup applied; "brazen painted faces" [ant: unpainted] 5: having sections or patches colored differently and usually brightly; "a jester dressed in motley"; "the painted desert"; "a particolored dress"; "a piebald horse"; "pied daisies"
can·vas ( P ) Pronunciation Key (knvs) n. A heavy, coarse, closely woven fabric of cotton, hemp, or flax, used for tents and sails.
A piece of such fabric on which a painting, especially an oil painting, is executed. A painting executed on such fabric. A fabric of coarse open weave, used as a foundation for needlework. The background against which events unfold, as in a historical narrative: a grim portrait of despair against the bright canvas of the postwar economy. Nautical. A sail or set of sails.
A tent or group of tents. A circus tent. Sports. The floor of a ring in which boxing or wrestling takes place.
I also got confused in the end of that sentence, because "summer's twilight" seems to be a singular moment, the end of summer. I think you could just say "...of the North Dakota summer twilight."
Yes, it is the end of summer and the end of someone's life.
posted
"When a person has a poor ear for music he will flat and sharp right along without knowing it. He keeps near the tune, but is not the tune. When a person has a poor ear for words, the result is a literary flatting and sharping; you perceive what he is intending to say, but you also perceive that he does not say it."
Mark Twain
I admit that I may be tone deft for words, but I have a dictionary and a thesaurus for a metronome and scale. I will diligently practice prose for two hours a day until I can hammer out a moderately pleasing tune. You may need four hours a day.
posted
Yes, editing/re-writing is the hardest part of writing but it is part of writing. There are very few posts put up where EVERYONE says, yes brilliant, publish it without changing a word. This is especially true when the writer hasn't edited it yet. Clarifing POV is a first draft issue. I suspect most of us have moments in all first drafts where someone critiquing it will say - "Ahmm, who's POV? Or did you realize you just shifted POV?"
You spent X much time writing it, why does more time in the editing process matter?
quote: In a couple years, when I have done a few more book drafts and learnt more about using the absolute correct words for a sentence, then I will do the rewrites. Thanks you all again for the input.
You'll never know "the absolute correct words for a sentance" because everyone differs on that. Read OSC's post on rewriting the start of one of his novels. He went through 4 drafts before finding the right voice (POV) and having the words flow. If you don't take the time to edit (the hard part of writing) you'll never get a finished project and you won't learn what works. As Survivor noted, I would guess that your other WIP will have similar flaws because until you learn what readers find confusing or misinterprete you can't correct the mistake.
A great example of that is in this post - many people took different images from the language you used. Just because the term means something in the dictionary, doesn't mean that your reader will understand the usage. So, while X may mean Y, you may be better using Z because it commonly means Y. You don't want to make the readers rush to a dictonary to understand your writing.
So, I guess it is clear that I am strongly advocating that you don't give up on this project (which should tell you about whether or not I liked it). There is nothing that says you can't edit this one while writing the others. Anyway, that's my 2 cents.
posted
What's with all the copy/pastes from Dictionary.com?
As far as rewrites are concerned, rewriting, revising, and finally editing your work represents pretty much all of the actual work of writing. Sometimes people do most of that work before committing the first draft to the page. That takes a good bit of memory and mental organization. It might well be more work, all considered.
posted
I like your imagery. I know what a tone deaf voice sounds like (I run cats out of the room), and your writing can't be compared to that. I've also never heard a good singer warm up without hitting at least one sour note, especially when the singer is working on something of his or her own. If this needs polish, so be it, but I think you're being pretty hard on yourself.
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