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Okay, this is my first post here, so bear with me please. This is a short story/novella I'm working on. I guess it would be counted as sci-fi, though you might not be able to tell from the first 13 lines... ----------------------------
"Hephaestos, Hephaestos...wake up; the sun is beautiful!"
Grey eyes fluttered open like twin pillars of half-light through a tempest's shroud. But his body did not move as it hung against the crags. Bright sky-blood spilled across the far slopes of an wilderness.
"Yes," he murmured. "Beautiful." He stood and relieved the weight from his arms, then stretched them laterally toward his body as far as the chains would allow.
"You've been silent for some time, Ino. Years."
"I've been contemplating. Studying. Dreaming."
"About what?"
"Life. Death."
Hephaestos sighed. "Would you make me as Tantalus now?"
I do feel like I have to go and check my notes from my old Classic classes now, but that's not necessarily a bad thing.
The dialogue is fine, as far as I can tell. Sounds good, definitely something interesting going on. Your description seems a little flowery to me. Personally I feel like you're giving too much detail and not leaving enough up to the reader. Try to be more general and I think you'll find that readers will immerse themselves in your world more easily.
posted
I just couldn't get a good image of what was going on in this scene.
"Grey eyes fluttered open like twin pillars of half-light through a tempest's shroud." I couldn't decide if this should mean that the eyes "open like twin pillars", of if what the character sees while opening his eyes looks like "twin pillars or half-light through a tempest's shroud." In other words, this statement didn't give me a clear idea of what I should be seeing, what I should imagine the scene to look like.
I also couldn't follow "Bright sky-blood spilled across the far slopes of an wilderness." Is this what the character sees? Like a sunset? I thought there was a tempest? Then I wondered if this character isn't really a person, if there is something more I should know about him before being able to understand your imagery.
Finally, I didn't get a clear idea of what it looks like when someone stretches their arms "laterally toward his body as far as the chains would allow."
Even though I didn't follow the imagery of this scene very well, I like the dialogue. I'm interested, but confused. I might keep reading, but only if the setting and character descriptions solidify quickly.
posted
It defiently smacks of an old greek mythology story - Prometheus. I have to agree the descriptions are a bit flowery - but I like it. Me, myself personally I could visualize the characters chained and their movements. Maybe changed "laterally" to across his chest...but this makes me wonder how they hold themselves up if the chains have give..
I like the story, and I love mythology..I would read it but I have a puppy to train, and that absorbs alot of my time now..along with my four children
"Hephaestos, Hephaestos...wake up; the sun is beautiful!"
Eyes grey-blue as distant mountains sagged open. But his body did not move as it hung against the crags. Bright sky-blood spilled across the far slopes of an arid wilderness.
"Yes," he murmured. "Beautiful." He stood and relieved the weight from his arms, then twisted his body left and then right against the pull of the chains. He yawned.
"You've been silent for some time, Ino. Years. I've missed you."
"I've been contemplating. Studying the ancients. Dreaming."
"About what?"
"Life. Death."
Hephaestos sighed. "Would you make me as Tantalus now?" ----------------
Here's a question: should I write "far slopes of an arid wilderness" or just "slopes"?
posted
I prefer "theocide," because it makes it clear Haephestos is the god, not someone named after the god.
But is Haephastos ever chained up like Prometheus? And why doesn't he seem bothered by this? I don't know what's happening here, so I can't be interested.
What's sky-blood?
Why would *anyone* want to be like Tantalus?
Whose POV are we seeing this through? Hephaestos, I think. *He* knows why he wants to be like Tantalus, and why he's chained up, and who Ino is.
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