posted
Eh, hey, I've recently started a zombie story, and I wanted to post the first 13 lines to see how it gets feedback as gripping, etc.
David Engle cursed under his breath as he jumped back, narrowly avoiding being hit by a car for the sixth time. One would assume, he thought furiously, that there would be a break in the traffic at /some/ point! He was on the right-hand side of the highway, pinned between the concrete wall behind him and an unceasing line of cars, all moving at least seventy miles per hour, in front. Less than fifteen minutes ago, David himself had been part of this never-ending high-speed current of steel and exhaust that lay before him. He had been taking a dollar out of his wallet, an act that David had since decided was stupid, when his car hit a bump in the road, which, in turn, made his wallet fly out of his hands and through the window.
posted
G'day Sven, welcome. Look I'd probably start with the wallet incident you just described. But then, I don't know that he's about to get killed and become a zombie.
How long is the piece?
[This message has been edited by hoptoad (edited August 15, 2006).]
posted
Well, I didn't want to get too far into it only to find out it's really not that good. I've got a few pages concretely written out. It's not going to be a short story though, more of a novella. He's not going to be turning into a zombie He's one of the main character survivors.
Posts: 5 | Registered: Jun 2006
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posted
I like the start. I would leave off the italics if that's what the /some/ indicate. Of course it's hard to tell with just 13 lines, but I am interested in knowing what happens next. I think that's a good sign (I'm new here). If I were you, I would keep working on it.
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posted
Right, it's italicised. Or, rather, it's not italicised, because his 'thoughts' were italicised. I'm very pleased to hear that it's got an interesting beginning, I've tried a few stories here, none of which really grabbed people's attention.
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posted
I'm not sure if we're allowed to do this, but this is the paragraph that introduces another character, Mark Negel. I just want to make sure it grabs attention as well as the previous character's introduction did.
Basically, this story's going to have six separate characters, none of which meet up or cross paths. They're just different people, and they attempt to survive a zombie outbreak different ways. The story's going to keep switching perspective as it progresses, keeping their parallel storylines going at the same speed.
/What the hell is taking so goddamn long?/ Mark Negel strummed his fingers impatiently on the gas station check-out counter. It was nearing ten minutes, and the fat bitch in front of him still wasn’t finished purchasing her shit. /Who does all of their shopping at a gas station?/ Not only was she taking far too long to just check out, she had to bitch about every goddamn thing the cashier was doing. First he wasn’t scanning the items in the correct order (“If you do it out of order, you’ll tally the tax wrong!”), then he charged her too much (“This coupon expires Wednesday, it’s still valid!”), and finally, he bagged her items wrong. God forbid he’d put a bag of potato chips in the same bag as a jug of milk.
posted
I think I'd ease up a little on the profanity. A little goes a long way. There are a lot of people who will reject a book because of an excess of profanity, but I don't think there are many who are turned off by a lack of it.
I used to talk that way in my younger days, but I've found that most people don't.
It might be better to use only enough profanity to give the reader a little insight into the character's attitude.
posted
Wow, wtf. My account (Sven) won't log in. Hmm.
First: I almost always refrain from even using profanity in my writing. However, this character, Mark Negel, is one of those 'badass' game hunters who collects rifles, and swears a lot. I only used the excessive, over-the-top profanity for his pieces.
I agree though. Profanity isn't necessary in writing, and I seldom (if ever) actually use it.
posted
I like the intros, but I really want to read about the zombies. I'll admit, the language put me off a bit, but my father speaks like that, and I've noticed that overuse of profanity tends to serve better as a way to help familiarize people with a character, than a long detailed description as to the kind of person they are, which will inevitably include mention of their language.
WHEW! that was a mouthful. Sorry.
One tends to get a fast, clear picture of what a person is like by the way they talk. Sure it's shocking in a book, but in real life, it's just as shocking.
posted
First, I'm glad you like the intros. Now, addressing the profanity issue again: That's exactly what I was going for; I'm glad you understood that. I'd really rather not tone down on the language, I was trying to shock the reader, in a way.
Posts: 12 | Registered: Dec 2005
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