thank you.

.................. Counting Constellations ...................

Moonlight on water, tinted a peculiar shade; and from what, the cloudless sky? No, this strange light is the moon’s own, like a soft and opaque pink rose. The stars are still birght and milky white above the water, but too distant and small to have their reflection show.
There are no other cars on the rode but mine. A1A run along the coast, in this it is a unique road. How am I supposed to drive at the same time, and try and figure out if the moon really is a sublime shade of pink?
It can’t be done.
I’m on the beach now, and unsure of how I arrived here. The night is clear, and the cloudless sky still does not obscure the strange glow of the moon. But there is a gap between the

-leaf

[This message has been edited by Leaf II (edited August 20, 2006).]

[This message has been edited by Leaf II (edited August 20, 2006).]

I'm gonna give it a try. It's kind of a tough one. In all it is hard to follow. You keep jumping from moon to road to moon to beach to moon. And the hook which I think is that there is some time missing from him, doesn't come across well. If that isn't the hook, I don't know what is.

I'm unsure of the descriptive opening. I don't hate it but it doesn't grab me and pull me in.

Is the rose, soft, opaque, or pink pick one or two but not all three.

birght I think is supposed to be bright

What are/is A1A?

Now comes the biggy- did he just apparate onto the beach or does he travel that path so often he just didn't pay attention or does he really have no memory. That needs to come across stronger.

I liked crushed-shell sand

Hope this helps

The narrator's voice is stilted, and off-putting. I get a "high-and-lofty" or "head in the clouds" feel off this, as well as something else I can't quite put my finger on, although I've tried.

Somehow your narrator just doesn't sound human. Or like a normal human, anyway. The voice sounds less like prose and more like veiled poetry, in its flowery-ness. "This strange light is the moon's own" "in this it is a unique road" "sublime shade of pink" It also reminds me of someone half-awake, and I can't say exactly WHY. I just don't think anyone would be musing over the exact shady of a pink moon while driving along the highway at night, not if they wanted to stay on the highway and not end up in a ditch.

I really don't know about this one.

I do, however, like the idea of someone driving along the road, noticing, Hey, is it just me, or is that moon pink? . . . whoa, I'm on the beach already! I don't remember having gotten here . . .

But keep in mind that such things aren't uncommon. People, especially tired people at night (or early morning just coming off the night shift) often find themselves at home with no recollection of having driven there. I work nights, I've heard the stories.

In regards to the pink moon . . . well, I've seen blood-red ones. Pink wouldn't grab my attention.

Aside from my initial ugh-reaction to the flowery voice, (I'd love to take this story and rewrite it either in plain-man's English or as a poem) the tenses seem fine so far.

Sorry about being so critical. I hope at least something in what I said is helpful to you. Good luck with the contest.

DeepDreamer: Everything you said (concerning being half awake and crashing) are great.

Because following the 13 lines (very soon after) we discover that he has crashed. So I think that's okay, however, I do think I might rewrite the begining as well.

Care to take a read of the whole thing, see what you think at the end? Or anyone else, for that matter?

(p.s. I'm posting this in my own personal writers forum at Liberty Hall, so please feel free to go there (if you can) and comment.)

thanks

I'm afraid I found it difficult. Throughout, I didn't know what MC is about, what he's struggling for, whether he's a he or a she, or how he/she feels. Reading the text was like looking through a window that's been blacked out -- I know there's *something* on the other side, but I can't tell what.

Now, if this were poetry, I think that'd be fine: I could just enjoy the words. I still find it a little tough.

>Moonlight on water, tinted a peculiar shade;
I can't picture this, because I don't know what shade.
>and from what, the cloudless sky?
Why is MC asking? Moonlight *has* to come from the sky, and it should be obvious if it's cloudless.
>No, this strange light is the moon’s own
No? It doesn't come from the sky? It's from the moon; where else might it have come from?

>The stars are still birght and milky white above the water,
I picture them swarming above the water like dragonflies. Wouldn't "overhead" be better?
>but too distant and small to have their reflection show.
Now I find out what else could have been the illumination. But I had to wait. It's still a little strange. Why expect stars to outshine the moon -- and with red light?