posted
Well, here goes. Please be brutally honest.
Alex Gray walked quickly to his car in an effort to avoid more questions. It didn’t work. The small gaggle of reporters ran along behind him calling his name. “Mr. Gray,” one of them put his hand on his arm, “Can you tell us why you were called to the surface? Is there a problem with Aquarius II?” “No, no, nothing like that. I was called to discuss funding with the Senate oversight committee. That’s all. And I’m happy to say that Aquarius II is still operating completely independently. We still aren’t using any of the federal money allotted to us.” “Are we any closer to making underwater habitats more feasible,” another reporter asked. “Can you give us a prediction?”
posted
Comments: * It's a little tough to figure what's happening here. On the second re-reread I gathered he must be on the surface (although it could be anywhere on the planet). Why *did* he come? Is he telling the truth? * What's the conflict here? What's the hook? * It might be interesting if the reporters, or some of them, had an agenda. "Mr. Gray, how do you respond to critics who say [some reporter's opinion]?" * I'm not sure if it's the right place to start. What *is* the reason we'll want to read this story? Start there, perhaps.
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posted
You hooked me with “Is there a problem with Aquarius II?” I would keep reading but I’ll have to tell you something, right now I’m expecting Aquarius II to be in trouble.
I could use with a bit of setting, like “walked quickly to his car [in the Building Where-People-Come-to-the-Surface’s parking lot] in an effort. . .” I’m not telling you to write the opening sentence that way, though. It’s just to show how little of a setting I need. I don’t need a three sentence description of the parking lot or the sky or the weather.
I wonder why would he say that they’re still aren’t using any of the federal money allotted to them? Maybe it’s relevant to the story and I’ll find out later. If it isn’t, and this is what you hatrackers call a “minor nit” (which I guess comes from the word “nitpick”, but I’m not sure) then I think Alex doesn’t need to say more than: “No, no, nothing like that. I was called to discuss funding with the Senate oversight committee. That’s all.” The federal money thing seems a tad out of place.
One thing, and I believe this is important. I seriously doubt any reporter would put his or her hand on the shoulder of the person he/she’s trying to get a statement from. Sure they peel raw the heels of any person they wish to interview but I don’t think they touch people they don’t know, even just a shoulder.
If you need readers for the whole thing, let me know
I wrote all the above before wbriggs' post so I have to add one thing. While I did see a hook in the first 13, I wonder, just like wbriggs, if this is really where the story starts. If he's going to go back underwater after the meeting to relay its results to his team or whoever's working down there with him, then you should start there.
posted
This is great! The "how do you react to critics," the hand on the arm, is this the place to start, et al. Thank you Nicole and Wbriggs. I knew I was going to like Hatrack.
I probably shouldn't have posted so early. I had been working on a mystery for weeks that I just couldn't seem to get started on, while this sci-fi thing kept popping into my mind. I'll work on it for a while before I try again.
But, by all means, if anyone sees anything else, I'll keep checking here for replies.
posted
I like this. I think your dialogue is well done, and you haven't tried to put any distracting "style elements" in there.
I can't really find anywhere to suggest changes within the fragment, but I'm not sure the fragment represents a strong "hook." I'd keep reading, just because it's easy to read, but you haven't started with a high-tension scene. The conflict is a little muted. Alex Gray's position in the story hasn't been fully established, so I don't understand why he would try to escape the reporters, then give in and answer their questions anyway. (I agree that it would be inappropriate for the reporter to touch him.)
posted
Thanks, Novice. I'm just underway with this one. I plan on getting a copy of "The First Five Pages" that everyone seems to recommend, and maybe that'll be a help.
BTW, could someone advise me on whether or not I should express my gratitude with a reply, or just let it go as understood. This is my first post.
This is really nit picking but after you read "The First Five Pages" (which I just finished reading) you'll understand.
Drop the word "quickly" in the first sentence and replace it with "hurried" or some else that doesn't require a modifier but still conveys the same thought.
Your story reads well. Post again when you find your start.
posted
All I have is the first draft of a beginning and a bare-bones synopsis, and I know I should be working on an outline instead of the beginning, but I wanted to try some of the suggestions. I still have to work out if this is where I want to begin - probably not. (I just ordered a copy of the Five First Pages from ebay.) Anyway, what do you think of this?
quote:Alex Gray hurried from the Hart Senate Office building to his car hoping to avoid more questions. It didn’t work. A small gaggle of reporters had placed themselves between him and his car. “Mr. Gray,” the loudest of the group asked, “What’s your reaction to the mounting criticism that the Aquarius project is moving too slowly?” Alex sighed. “It’s all part of the job,” he reminded himself. “Guys, with things the way they are, I agree that we are moving too slowly. I would hasten to add, though, that we are making a supreme effort to move as quickly as we can. Now, if you’ll excuse me.” As he shouldered his way to the car, a pretty young lady stuck a microphone in his face and asked, “How much longer will it be before we have a practical underwater habitat?”
(edits were to fix spelling, and the last one was to try using the [QUOTE] again.)
[This message has been edited by Wayne (edited August 19, 2006).]
[This message has been edited by Second Assistant (edited August 20, 2006).]
posted
This version works better for me and it reads well. Some minor quibbles.
Hart Senate Office Building is too long of a description maybe just use Senate Office or Senate Building or even just Senate.
Gaggle- I can see the correlation reporters/geese but the word still doesn't work for me. It's too cute.
"I would hasten to add, though"- very formal, does your character really speak that way? Maybe just a "but"
At the end the MC mentions the heat- that seemed to come from nowhere.
The mention of the cold air at the end was confusing too as I thought, "Wait a minute, he just told me it was hot." Then I remembered he was in the car and it must be air conditioning. Maybe just say that?
posted
Thanks, cll. The main problem with the heat and the cool is that this passage absolutely can not be the beginning. I have been doing some more work on my outline, and I expect this to happen somewhere near the end of Chapter one. Then the mention of the heat and cool will be expected by the reader.
Your other two points are spot on. It's remarkable what a gaggle of fresh eyes can see.
Isn't this forum incredibly helpful - info from your own fragments and also from everyone else's?
posted
Ah, if you're using a random bit of text from somewhere in the story other than the opening, you need to tell us that. See, what we offer here mainly is feedback on whether, having read your first page (or possibly your cover blurb) we'd be interested in reading further.
The problem with text from elsewhere is that we're not going to read that first. Also, when your audience does read it, it will be in the context of all the text that comes before it. Since we don't have that context, we cannot tell you whether it works in context. The only part of the text that we can read in the right context is your opening.
posted
Thanks for the tip, Survivor. When I posted the fragment, it was intended to be my opening. With the feedback I got, along with a little more work on my part, I discovered that to begin there isn't feasible.
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