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This is the first thirteen from another short story. I rarely write in first (and/or second) person, so this is unusual for me. Does it work? Is there too much rambling? Would you keep reading?
Sometimes I feel like I spent my whole childhood standng around with my mouth open, thinking 'there's something going on here', and trying to figure out what the heck that something was.
It was like that the day Bill Dorothy left. Well, that probably wsn't the guy's real name. I could have had it confused with some girl I knew. Or Dorothy Gayle from Kansas, who suddenly found herself in Oz. Come to think of it, she probably felt pretty much the same way I did that day. Like everything was going along fine, maybe great, then, boom, everything changed. It was a puzzle with a giant piece missing. Eventually Dorothy Gayle figured out what was different -- she was in Oz now, not Kansas. The piece to my puzzle, on the other hand, is still missing.
posted
I didn't like the comparison. It doesn't jibe with my independent knowledge of the story you're using for the comparison. And it sidetracks us.
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posted
I agree with cll about the first sentence, but I think I would keep the Wizard of Oz thing. It is a quick way to sum up the narrator's perception of her world. Lifted out of her safe, normal existence and plopped down in a situation she doesn't comprehend.
I would keep reading this. I am obligated to criticize here, so I will point out a mispelling/typo: "wsn't." I think "Sometimes I feel like I spent.." should be "Sometimes I feel like I've spent..." or "I have spent..."
BTW, This is a much better start than one on "Ginny's Storm." (I didn't post a reply on that, because anything I had to say had already been said.)
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In first person, a little goes a long way toward creating the feel of thought or the spoken word in your narrative. You gotta keep the reins tight or else your story gets too murky to follow.
I like the voice and the general feel of the character I get so far: he's always been out of the loop, wondering what's going on inside it. That's how I felt growing up, so I already empathize with this character. Just realize you're walking a fine line between confusion in the character and confusion in the reader.
quote:Sometimes I feel like I spent my whole childhood standng around with my mouth open, thinking 'there's something going on here', and trying to figure out what the heck that something was.
thinking "There's something going on here,"
Just a little grammar nit. Whether or not you use quotes or italics to signify thought, it's still dialogue within a sentence, and so needs to be capitalized and punctuated as such.
quote:It was like that the day Bill Dorothy left. Well, that probably wasn't the guy's real name.
The confusion starts here: First off, what is "it", and who is Bill Dorothy? Am I supposed to know? Is this another sign I've been out of the loop too long?
Also, (really minor nit here) the word "Well" slows down this sentence, and slows the momentum building up in the rest of the paragraph. "Except" or "But" do the same job that "Well" does in this sentence, without making us pause.
There are two other phrases in here that do the same thing that "Well" did: "Come to think of it," and "maybe great". "Come to think of it" works well where it is, and has a purpose, leading from the previous sentence into the next. But "maybe great" is just filler. This paragraph flows along well and feels enough like a train of thought without it IMO.
quote:It was a puzzle with a giant piece missing.
Again, that general "it". Life, reality, what? What was (became might be a better choice) a puzzle?
You're doing well with this guy's voice. Or maybe it's a girl's voice; I can't tell yet, but it doesn't bother me. It might bother someone else.
Oh, and I vote for keeping in the Dorothy Gale reference.
Edited to add in my vote.
[This message has been edited by DeepDreamer (edited August 19, 2006).]
posted
Thanks to everyone so far -- very useful feedback. I think this is one I might move closer to the top of the stack and work on getting it in shape. Deep Dreamer, I appreciate the detailed comments, including the 'nits'. Posts: 13 | Registered: Aug 2006
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posted
Loretta, Your opening line is kind of engaging. My first impression was of young Forrest Gump, standing there dumbfounded. It indicates to me, very quickly, that this character's world has turned upside down.
That is vindicated in the following paragraph, but I think you could have done better here. Instead of (and I'm assuming your character is now an adult) relating to Dorothy Gayle of the Wizard Of Oz, why not have your character briefly relate just how twisted and weird his or her world has become? How s/he has a difficult time determining reality, or trusting people, or trusting his or her own judgment. I think this is viable for two reasons: First, Dorothy Gayle and the Wizard Of Oz have become almost jokes. How many times have you heard people say, "Goodness, Toto, I don't think we're in Kansas anymore?" when they come upon a new situation?
Second, by having your character describe her angst, her trouble understanding her environment, you draw the reader in. The reader is experiencing your character's feelings instead of thinking, "Oh yeah, like Dorothy," to the Dorothy Gayle analogy.
You could make it almost like an Alfred Hitchcock story, and if you do, then you would have me hooked!
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