posted
Growing up, Halum Deluckim had everything taken care of for him: all he had to do was listen, learn and show that he understood. And half the time he couldn’t even do that. He wasn’t taught responsibility from the teachers in the orphanage who had long since given up on him. He was just a pawn for their games, he’d decided, one after another as they modeled him to fit their ideal role for him.
When he was sixteen he had to take the Test of Faith to see if he could become a clergyman--the only responsibility ever granted to those raised in the orphanages. He had deliberately failed so he couldn’t hold himself accountable later for molding young orphans like he’d been molded. And here he was, five years later, a miserable cleaner because of it.
I like the concept but the writing needs work. First, your character name is too much. It's the "m" sound in both names that is bothering me. I'm fine with Halum Deluck or Hal Deluckim but not both together. Second, I know you can start a sentence with the word "and" but this sentence doesn't need it. Lines three and four were too wordy. I think if you can find a shorter way to convey these facts it would keep my interest more. I almost think you started your story too early because it doesn't really grab me and make me want to keep reading. The thing I loved was the concept of the MC deliberately failing his test so he wouldn't have to mold kids but the sentence needs sharpening.
posted
I agree with cll, I think it might start too early but I love the concept you've presented. The points of the character's history can be clarified later through memory, when the information becomes relevant to what he is doing. I get the feeling that the important actions happen when he is a cleaner, so it might be good to start off describing the concrete reality of what is around him now as a cleaner and then get into the action and let the memory seep in as necessary.
posted
What Survivor said. A story is a collection of scenes, IMHO, with occasional summary to skip dull parts. What's the first scene in this story? I'd say start there, possibly with a preceding "free" paragraph of summary, if it's needed.
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