posted
The Barbershop was inundated with other poor souls of the 80s; some with mullets and others just long haired metal heads, all of them fresh recruits. While the men awaited their fate at the hands of the rotund barber; the ladies waited for us at the exchange. The heavy smell of cheap after- shave permeated the air; Joe wrinkled his nose at the smell. As soon as he sat in the barber’s chair, Joe suddenly became aware of what he had gotten himself into. They weren’t trimming his hair, it was being cut – and the room suddenly felt chill clumps of his red hair showered down to the ground and the man cutting it grunted something. Unable to understand the man, Joe asked him to repeat it, the other man stepped in to help, “Frank is deaf, he can’t hear you” Great thought Joe, a deaf man is cutting my hair and he hates me.
Genre, fiction(loosely based on my experiences)1600 words (prob more)..would you read this? If not why?
[This message has been edited by TMan1969 (edited August 23, 2006).]
[This message has been edited by Second Assistant (edited August 24, 2006).]
posted
I just started to write this, so that I didn't lose the thread. For all readers this is my first draft only and there will be more. But I would appreciate your critiques and input as always, thanks.
Posts: 287 | Registered: Jul 2006
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posted
To me, stories aren't just about ideas, writing style counts as a hook; it's hard for me to asses my "hypothetical" interest in a story when all I see is the first draft. I tell you this so you don't get discouraged by what I'm going to say in the next paragraph
I think I would keep reading if you cleaned it up a lot. It's a very shaky "think", though. I would give it another paragraph maybe, then I would quit reading if nothing interesting happened (all this after a thorough revision).
I liked the deaf barber, it's something I've never seen before in a scene (Recruit about to start training) that I've read hundreds of times. Or maybe I haven't. It would depend on what he was recruited for, if this is not about your typical soldier story then you have a hook that I'm not aware of.
I know it's your first draft so word choice, punctuation and clarity aren't priorities but this fragment is confusing.
posted
You might start with "As soon as he sat..." since that's where it gets interesting. The other detail isn't needed to understand the event, so you can put it in as it becomes useful.
I probably wouldn't keep reading, because the scenario doesn't interest me. If it were done up funny; or if it's a hippie who's going to be forced to look conservative; or ... but getting an awful haircut isn't hook-y enough to me -- although it is close.
posted
Surprisingly, I found myself enjoying this piece. I'm not a big fan of military stories (I think they remind me of every war movie or special that I've ever felt ill after watching) but I really like the way your story starts out.
I feel we can identify with your MC because all of us have been in a situation where we've been nervous. If it's a personal situation (doctor's office, barber, lawyer, ect.) we have all had the nagging fear that the person we are dealing with might hate us and be ready for sabotage at a moment's notice. A deaf barber is an interesting character that I wouldn't expect.
The only part that really confuses me is your mention of "the ladies." Are these women who are recruits, lovers of those who are getting haircuts, or just the typical female crowd that gathers whenever reasonably attractive men hold still for more than three seconds? Other than that, I really liked it.
posted
I would keep reading, if only to listen to the voice of the MC. It sounds good to me, and I would like to see where it is headed....nice job....
Posts: 29 | Registered: Sep 2006
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posted
I would keep reading, if only to listen to the voice of the MC. It sounds good to me, and I would like to see where it is headed....nice job....
Posts: 29 | Registered: Sep 2006
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posted
I'm unable to grasp the direction of this story (that is, I can't see anything about the character that will make him an interesting recruit.) I'm certain your story has this, but I'm not hooked by the first 13.
My favorite example of a character hook comes from Moby Dick. "Instead of a ball and pistol, I go to sea."
[This message has been edited by Green_Writer (edited September 04, 2006).]
posted
Thanks for all your comments and I agree its a little sloppy - ok a lot sloppy, but its a beginning. I am going away on course for awhile, Tactical Airlift and I will work away on it..hopefully improve it. Thanks again.
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As a reader, I would assume an editor bought the story because something's interesting, so if it were already published I'd probably keep going for another paragraph or two.
As an editor, I wouldn't keep reading because neither the character nor the situation is interesting yet. Even his name screams "normal", and even "cliche" (GI Joe, right?). I think if you're going to start with a commonplace scene, you need to instantly develop the character, which means dive right into his POV. (You could do it without going deep into his POV if there were unusual things the narrator could observe about him; in this scene, though, there's not much, unless maybe he has a really, really unique tattoo.)
Joe is in a hurry-up-and-wait situation, and he might notice a lot of details; but he'd be bored, and I wouldn't want to make a reader experience that. Any details you describe should be telling you something specific and important about Joe.
Maybe you could give him greater specificity: identify him as a recruit, give him a full name, and instantly get the reader in his POV.
"As the clippers buzzed swiftly along his scalp, Dmitri O'Toole realized that he had been picturing this moment wrong since he enlisted in the US Army ten weeks ago. That he had pictured it all was a mistake: there was nothing to see except a few stray falling hairs. His other senses focused on the chilly strips of newly-exposed skin, the harsh tonic of aftershave, the itch of airborne talcum powder."
I deliberately made that a little too long, and without a commitment to any particular personality trait or plot point, so that I wouldn't be rewriting; but I hope you get what I mean. Not only get into the character's POV, but also pick out a personality trait or a part of the plot or something that he can think about that will make him unique. ("Ball and pistol" indeed!)
If Frank's deafness matters to the plot or to Joe's personality, then keep it; it's the hookiest thing you have at the moment. You could afford to lose it, though, if it's not part of the meat of the story.
As usual, this is all just opinion, and although I use the imperative a fair amount you of course should make the call you think is best.
posted
...“Why?” Benny looked up at the clear blue sky and wiped a tear away, “What did I do to you. I didn’t want to become a priest. I want something different, I want a chance.”
Benny had a reason to run, and it was something he never forgot. He was standing in front of his mother who was drunk, and she shouted, “What are you going to do? Nothing, all you were good for was a check. Now your good for nothing, your brother Victor was right – you’re a failure.”
Anger, red hot anger coursed through his body and his mind visualized her head slamming into the cement wall of the apartment. Hot tears streamed down his cheeks, “Yep, I am a loser. I stayed and you got to drink. I watched you drown your life away and you are trying to take me down with you. It’s not
[This message has been edited by TMan1969 (edited September 19, 2006).]
[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited September 19, 2006).]
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