Anyway, I just want comments and criticism on the first 13, and readers for part 1 (of 5). Have at it, and pull no punches.

quote:

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The air was stale and still within the walls of the abandoned warehouse, except for where the demon DerLuminás stood. There an otherworldly wind swirled. The demon's long black cloak flapped about his ankles, revealing a few inches of impeccably white boots. Beneath thick locks of hair that flowed and flickered like oily black snakes, his face was perfectly motionless. His amber eyes stared through a broken window at a spot in the distance where his prey would soon be arriving.

On a pile of crates behind him, a squarish disc of kinto -- a crystal infused with Light, used often in magic but more commonly as currency -- began to vibrate and cast flecks of crimson Light around the otherwise dark room. A woman's voice, crisp and authoritative, emanated from the crystal.

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Thanks,
DD

The only place where I felt that the explanation was really overdone was when you explained what the kinto was. I'd try and work this information into the story more naturally, right now it's just blatant exposition.

Aside from that... there is a lot of description but it's pretty well-done. Some people have an issue with stories that start that way, I don't really. I think it's all good.

The description is good but could use a little more tightening so it moves more. Remember that shorter sentences and tighter phraseology help tension in a scene, and the reverse hurts it. As it reads, I was tempted to stop a few times because you hinted at something and took mite overlong to answer it.

For example: "The air was stale and still within the walls of the abandoned warehouse, except for where the demon DerLuminás stood." Once you say "except," I want to know what the exception is. I don't yet care that there's a demon standing there. You could move the next sentence into that and say "except for an otherworldly wind swirling where the demon..."—or, even better, also include where in the warehouse the demon's standing: the center, the corner, against the wall.

The phrase "a spot in the distance where his prey would soon be arriving" also struck me as considerably overlong. Example rephrase: "where his prey would soon appear on the horizon."

I include these rephrases only as examples of what I'm trying to say and jumpstarts to your imagination for you to better consider my comment; I harbor few illusions as to their skill.

So, besides that the description needs to be tightened, my only other comment is to make sure that "Light" must be capitalized.

I hope this helps.

-Misti

There's certainly enough tension. The narrative flows well and you've established the who, why and where of the story.

I don't think you've overloaded the beginning with description, either, though I'm sure some might disagree - providing the next paragraph moves in a different direction I have no problem with it.

Nothing wrong with using a bad guy's POV, providing they pique some kind interest.

The POV of the bad guy is a real plus. It's an unhappy quirk of human nature that bad guys are more interesting to us than good guys. I also think it would be more fun to write from a bad guy's POV.

But if you're looking for a reason to keep reading past 13 lines, there is a shortage of action or tension or...something... in there that just jumps out and grabs the attention and says, "I have to keep going and find out where this is taking me." It's hard to do that with 13 lines, but if you can, then you've got something worth keeping.

For Dark Fantasy, a bad guy's perspective is certainly fine, but I for one, would be curious about WHY I should be interested in the continued welfare of a guy who does awful things for a living. I'm a good person at heart, and I'd always be waiting for the good guy that's going to appear on the scene to do the Bad Guy in and save others from his Evil, you know?

As far as your actual writing and technique... I agree with the previous poster who stated that shortening the structure will create more immediacy and early tension. It'll tend to grab the reader at bit quicker. Long, flowing sentences can be descriptive, but they can also lull a reader's attention, causing him/her to start scanning the page for the next bit of action.

It's supposed to be 3rd Person Limited Omniscient. Does this revision make the POV stronger? I've also tried to tighten, but now it sounds jerky to me. Does it grab your attention any better? Any suggestions on how to make it flow easier?

Thanks,
DD

quote:

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The demon DerLuminas waited in the stillness of the abandoned warehouse, staring outside through the broken window. An otherworldly wind swirled around him.

Days of tracking and endless hours spent waiting were coming to an end, and soon . . . The wind kicked up around him as his anticipation built. His long black cloak flapped about his ankles, revealing a few inches of impeccably white boots. Beneath thick locks of hair that flowed and flickered like oily black snakes, his face was perfectly motionless, his eyes never blinking. His prey would soon be coming this way.

On a pile of crates behind him, a disc of kinto-crystal began to vibrate, and cast flecks of crimson light about the room. A woman's voice, crisp and authoritative, emanated from the crystal.

---

You might consider moving the first line of the second paragraph up to be the end of the first paragraph. It feels like it belongs there, at least to me.

I would definintely keep reading.

quote:

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The demon DerLuminás waited in the stillness of the abandoned warehouse. He was fully materialized, despite the fact he'd been ordered to remain noncorporeal. He stared out the broken window at the stone-paved street. Days of tracking and endless hours of waiting were coming to an end, and soon...

An otherworldly wind kicked up around him as his anticipation grew. His long black cloak began to flap about his ankles, revealing a few inches of impeccably white boots. Beneath thick locks of hair that flowed and flickered like oily black snakes, his face was perfectly motionless, his eyes never blinking. His prey would soon be coming this way.

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I think your editing is coming along and this version of the story says all you said before that matters without being too obvious and overdone. I would keep reading but let me ask you why you care that we know what he looks like? I would also ask why we need to be told he is a demon? If he truly is about to speak with someone as alluded to in one of your other posts, could this be brought out in the conversation?

"Where are you, DerLuminás?" A cold voice that could have issued from no human woman's throat called out.
He turned momentarily away from his view of the door of the warehouse with a stiff-lipped grunt and regarded the black crystal perched on a crate. He wanted to ignore the voice, but not even a demon of the third level...

I don't know if the above works for what you are trying to do but my point is I want you to get me right into the action and escalate the tension.

As far as his appearance, if he is maintaining his appearance in a certain way to blend in as a human that would be important, or if he liked being seen in a certain way out of vanity that would reveal something about him. If he were confined to a certain form because he was breaking the rules that might also mean something. Otherwise, as a reader I don't care at this point. Don't tell me about it - just get on with the story.

quote:

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DerLuminás waited in the stillness of the abandoned warehouse, staring out through the broken window to the deserted street beyond. Days of tracking and endless hours of waiting were coming to an end. His prey would soon be coming this way.

Behind him, a disc of kinto-crystal began to vibrate, and cast flecks of crimson light about the room. A woman’s voice, crisp and authoritative, emanated from the crystal.

“DerLuminás,” said his mistress the Lady Alexias, self-styled Empress of Elecambria. She could call herself Supreme Goddess of the Omniverse for all he cared, and it wouldn't give her the right to distract him from the hunt. “You there, demon?”

“Here,” he growled. She wouldn’t get away with that insolence much longer.

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I like the third edit mucho! It pulls me in, and I would keep reading.

One other note, I liked the imagery of the air around the demon getting agitated by his moods. Certainly with the story length you are planning, that sort of thing can still be worked in elsewhere (since it's gone in the third edit).