posted
I don't yet have a title for this short story, so the subject is simply the main characters name.
(Edited with modified beginning. No one responded yet so I figured I could get away with changing it here before anyone saw it.)
It was late at night when young Jimmy Turner climbed onto the roof of his parents’ house. Jimmy was a dreamer and often snuck away to the roof where he could be alone with his imagination. On the roof he was surrounded by the world and nothing could stop his mind from going forth to imagine the wonders that the world held.
As Jimmy crouched on the roof his eyes drifted upward. He took everything in. He saw the quiet desert with the sand harsh and flat stretching out to the horizon. In the distance was a soft glow from some city or other. Where the glow faded the stars began. Millions of them. They shone in his eyes like brilliant diamonds, each one carrying with it some mystery just waiting for him. He fell to his back with a sigh. “Will we ever go back
[This message has been edited by Columcille (edited August 25, 2006).]
[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited August 26, 2006).]
posted
And within minutes of posting that I've re-done much of the first paragraph. Reasons I should hesitate to post.
Posts: 4 | Registered: Aug 2006
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You had me hooked from the opening line. This reads easy. I had to go back and read it in "critique" mode to find things.
I don't think you need "young" in front of Jimmy Turner. His actions combined with "his parent's roof" show us that.
Don't need the 2nd sentence as 3rd conveys the same thought.
This is a personal peeve and the only thing that I noticed at first reading. The word "world" is used twice in the same sentence. I would change one. The Thesaurus is my friend.
Okay, two things jumped at me at first reading. Jimmy's eyes drifted up and the first thing mentioned is the desert. It made me wonder if that was the sky.
"some city or other"- the or other not needed.
The simile of stars/eyes/diamonds is cliche- use something other then diamonds
"he thought to himself"- Is there someone with him who can read minds? Who else would he think to. I would just say "he thought."
posted
It seems not so much something a boy would do, as something adults would like to think of a boy doing. I don't know how to say that more clearly. Hm.
What are you asking for (full critique, 13 only)? How many words is the story?
[This message has been edited by wbriggs (edited August 25, 2006).]
posted
If I had a roof that wasn't made of slippery and fragile tile, I'd climb up there and watch the stars. I'm stuck in a desert and the night sky is particularly beautiful due to the lack of civilization around me. I can see a boy doing what you are suggesting. Lord knows how many times I sneaked out at night to lay in the back of my dad's pickup so I could see another world.
I'm hooked. I want to find out where Jimmy is trying to return. And if does return there, can I go, too? Seems like it would be a lovely place.
posted
Thanks for the comments. Here is the same section with recommendations applied.
It was late at night when Jimmy Turner climbed onto the roof of his parents’ house. Jimmy was a dreamer and often snuck away to the roof where nothing could stop his mind from imagining the mysteries of the world.
As Jimmy crouched on the roof his eyes drifted around. He saw the quiet desert with the sand harsh and flat stretching out to the horizon. In the distance was the soft glow from some city. Where the glow faded the stars began. Millions of them. They shone brilliantly in his eyes. Each star contained some mystery just waiting for him. He fell on his back with a sigh. “Will we ever go back to them?” he thought. His eyes drooped and his cheeks relaxed as he began to slumber.
posted
I think this is mostly good. A couple of comments... You say: "In the distance was the soft glow from some city." Yet, I suspect, from Jimmy's POV he knows exactly WHICH city. After all, if I see a glow of lights caused by a town or city in my area, I know precisely WHICH town it is, based on where I'm at. If you don't want to get into a level of detail by naming the city, you could just call it "the city."
Secondly, his falling on his back and, presto, he's asleep struck me as a wee bit abrupt. Maybe a small comment: He watched the stars until his eyes drooped... that gives a slight transition in the time so it doesn't seem like he just passed out suddenly.
But those are relatively minor in a good opening. I particularly like the second line (in the second version) of him being a dreamer...
It was late at night when Jimmy Turner climbed onto the roof of his parents’ house. Jimmy was a dreamer and often snuck away to the roof where nothing could stop his mind from imagining the mysteries of the world.
...you don't need the "where nothing could stop his mind from imagining the mysteries of the world." because it's redundant. You are showing us why he's on the roof in the next paragraph.
I used to climb on roofs all the time (okay, I still do it a lot more than most other people), and this didn't feel like the POV of a kid climbing up onto the roof, particularly at night. You also drop out of POV for no apparent reason a couple of times. One minor point, I didn't usually go to sleep on the roof.
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Reasons I should hesitate to post.
