That is an interesting begining. In the first two sentances i got lost a very tiny bit and had to re-read them. i think if you just took out one adverb it might make it flow a bit easier. Couldn't be sure which one though, i don't know what happens next.

You should post the word count of the prologue for those who'd be interested in reading.

The working title: Nicholas Cavett: Seven Dead Aliens

Hmmm, that's important though Flip, I'll have to look at the way those sentences are organized. I'm unsure of what to do in this specific situation though... Thanks for the input.

I actually own Card's book on the subject, and I'm still not understanding what you're trying to tell me Survivor.

*edit: I'd say this works as a limited POV from the perspective of the sheriff. I don't pretend to read the minds of the two drunks...or am I completely confused about POV?

In the first part (pre-dialog) I got lost more than a tiny bit. I got confused a very big bit. I can't tell how many people there are in this scene, who is where and who is doing what? I'll give you my thinking (with possible body count in parentheses), so you can see where I became confused.

- There's a Sheriff. (1)
- He's standing over a guy. (2)
- He can't peel his eyes off of two drunken fools - wait, I thought he was only standing over 1 guy? So is that guy one of the drunken fools (3), or did his first sentence mean to read "men" instead of "man" (3)? Or are these completely different guys (4)?
- They are glaring at a guy who dispatched someone. Are they glaring at the Sheriff (3 or 4)? The guy he's standing over (3 or 4)? Except one of them might be the guy he's standing over (3 or 4). Are they staring at someone new entirely? (4 or 5)
- Their friend is unconscous on the floor. Is that the guy under the Sheriff (4 or 5)? Or someone else? (5 or 6)
- Martha. She's behind the bar (out of sight, so not one of the drunken fools the Sheriff is looking at or the guy under him), speaking (so not the unconscious friend), and talking to the Sheriff (so she's not the Sheriff) so she must be a new character.

Martha is the only characters portrayed clearly, because we know who she is, where she is, what she is doing, and there is no doubt that she is not any of the other characters.

I like the dialog, however. Quite a lot. This beginning has potential. Hope this helps. Good luck!

But, it’s not quite working. The first paragraph…as it seems to me…is not the important point here. Martha and the phone call and the “some kind of animal” is the real point. But you are going for the contrast between the everyday bar brawl to the very interesting “some kind of animal” point.

That’s fine. But I think you are spending too much time/wordage on the ordinary. Can you cut that back without losing the sense of it?

Also, your brawl part is too dense. That part especially needs to be so clear that the reader never stops to puzzle anything out. Which is not happening right now.

Now “I” think you could do that more easily by showing rather than telling, by putting the information/happening into dramatized form instead of relating it in long sentences. And then…it gets interrupted by the phone call. And…again, “MY” opinion – I think you could word what Martha says so that it is even more ominous. ..ran over some kind of animal, a big one, and he says tell you this ain’t no polecat like he ever saw. Big as a mountain lion.

Yeah, well that probably won’t fly as a description of your alien and it is itself a bit wordy, but do you see what I mean about a bit more detail? Just a plain “some kind of animal” wouldn’t necessarily distract the sheriff from the brawling, now would it?

As to the first paragraph stuff.

Sheriff John T. Robinson stood over the man somewhat anxiously, unable to peel his eyes off the two drunken fools.

I was confused here with the bodies. Stood over “the man” and “two drunken fools.” IS this so populous an area that the Sheriff doesn’t know any of these guys? Of course, then you have four names dropped on us all at once. Too many.

I think it is “the man” that is making some of the confusion. (The "the" implies there is something special about the guy on the floor.) Break up the introductions, maybe. Like – Sheriff Robinson kept his eyes fixed on the two Keegan brothers. Drunken fools. He nudged Tom Sanders with his foot. Sanders was out cold on the floor and bleeding a bit.

“You boys,” he began, speaking at the Keegans. “How many times __”
“John,” came the voice of Martha Eater from behind the bar, “you’ve got a phone call.”

“Can't it wait Martha? I’m on the busy side of things at the moment.”

“It’s Dale Burns, he says he just ran over some kind of animal and he wants you to have a look at it.”

All the words about how the sheriff is a towering mass of muscle are not all that important at the moment. I assume you’re trying to describe the sheriff for us, but, please, not right now while something is happening! Wait till this peak of action is finished then drop into straight reflection or author narration to give us a description. “I” think the wording of the Sheriff’s speech could work for you in the opening. A big, tough, muscular man would say things differently from a more intellectual and less brawny guy.

All this below is just too much…? words? ,,, that is obscuring what is going on.

They in turn glared menacingly back at the man who had so easily dispatched their friend (who still lay unconscious on the floor) and considered their next move uneasily. If the Sheriff hadn’t been so imposing physically, perhaps they would have leapt into action, and yet the sight of the towering mass of muscle and brutality made them stop and reconsider their chances.

I personally don't know who the main character of your story is, but I certainly found the sheriff to be somewhat interesting from his limited dialog. Perhaps you should consider him to be your pov character.

Oh and John has a pretty big part in the story as a whole, I've already done the initial outline and finished the final chapter so now I just need to get to the meat of the story. After that, a clean edit and I send it out.