my head hurts.

Hang on, let me read the rest and then comment properly.

There seems a disconnect here. It is hard to know exactly what is going on without your little explanation at the start. Perhaps I was in a lag after that first line that mentioned the ansible but I felt like I missed what was going on.

Hang on I'll go read it again.

Okay, try three.

We jump around in POV in the first two paragraphs. Paragraph one is from Houston's POV, paragraph two is deep in the astronoaut's thoughts. I would pick one POV and stick with it for a while.

To me it feels like this piece starts just a little too late, after the discovery of the mass and the drama of realising they are intractably drawn to the mass and will probably crash and die.

We begin in a lull between two dramatic events.Hope this helps.

PS: Hope you take my joking about the ansible in good humor. It was meant that way.

“Expedition, this is Houston, do you read me?” The Ansible went silent. A hushed control room waited for a reply from the Expedition, as it continued its journey to Mars. No one knew if the craft was still operational, or if the mass has already swallowed it up, and rendered the mission useless. If the Expedition failed, the cold war would fall in favor to the enemy… all three of them, something the United States could not afford to have happen.

A light scratching sound echoed throughout the control room, and a muffled voice began to make contact. Sweat trickled down the foreheads of those who were witnessing the moment. “Houston, this is the Expedition, I read you, barely. We don’t know our coordinates, but know we’re quickly closing

First, do you realize that Ishtar was the name of a really bad movie. I'm still trying to repress the trauma. Anyway, just a thought on the name.

The second version still changes POV. If you want to be omnis. then do that, but I suspect you need to have one of the now unnammed astronauts as the POV.

IT's funny. A lot of times a vague reference like that works and somethimes it doesn't. I wonder why. Could it be that this undefined mass has no obvious meaning?

You can say something like "It all started on Thursday" and the it doesn't bother me at all. I figure "it" will become obvious. But here...maybe it's their repeating "the mass" without any additional hint as to why there is a big mass somewhere on the way to Mars that bothers me.

quote:

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“Expedition, this is Houston, do you read me?” The Ansible went silent.

---

I don't have any trouble with the concept of the ansible. I'm guessing that if these astronauts do go through this Ishtar Gate or whatever, that this ansible will come in handy relaying messages back to Houston while the Expedition is on the other side of the universe. Or whatever. What I DO have trouble with is the time rift. "Cold War" brings to mind a certain period of time; "Ansible" brings to mind a completely different time.

quote:

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A hushed control room waited for a reply from the Expedition, as it continued its journey to Mars.

---

Here would be the perfect place to intro your POV character.

quote:

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L. N. Alan waited in the hushed control room for Expedition's reply. His buddy was on that ship, journeying to Mars. Or might be, anyway. He didn't know if the craft was still operational, or if the unidentified mass had already swallowed it up. Worse, if the Expedition failed, the cold war would fall in favor to the enemy… all three of them, something the United States could not afford to have happen.

---

I don't like the mention of the cold war here. It feels distant, and impersonal. It's almost melodramatic. The pivotal action here is the people on board that ship. I should be worried for them, I should be wanting to care whether or not they live or die. Cold war? What war? And how exactly is a costly mission to Mars gonna turn the tide of a weapons race (which is all a cold war means to me) one way or another?

quote:

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to the enemy . . . all three of them.

---

quote:

---

A light scratching sound echoed throughout the control room, and a muffled voice began to make contact.

---

quote:

---

Sweat trickled down the foreheads of those who were witnessing the moment.

---

Melodramatic, unless you show one person in the control room sweating.

quote:

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A bead of sweat dripped down Alan's nose, although it was cool in the control room.

---

quote:

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“Houston, this is the Expedition, I read you, barely. We don’t know our coordinates, but know we’re quickly closing in on the Mass. From what you can tell, is there any way to get us out of the Mass’s gravitational pull?” The astronaut paused, trying to suppress a grim thought. “Is there anything you can do to save us?”

---

We have no characters here, just cardboard cutouts. There's the stereotypical Houston control center. We've seen a million of them on TV. There's the stereotypical astronaut. It's a job description, not a person. It's a suit, not the person within. We don't even know if this suit is occupied by a man or a woman. I need people in the stories I read, not suits.

Also, like hoptoad said, this is a lull, this is the crucial point. This should be in the middle of your story, maybe nearer the end than the beginning. I'm not sure where you should start, but it should be a place where we the readers can get a grip on who these characters are and the situation they are in. That way you can show us what happens and it won't be melodramatic, and not only will we know there's a bigger issue at hand, we'll be drawn in by the personal struggle.

Also, a quick guess: You're calling this story "The Ishtar Gate", there's a big mass with incredible pull, I'm guessing this mass is an uncharted black hole. If this is so, make everything else so believable that I'll swallow the notion that there's a black hole in the middle of the solar system. I mean, everyone knows we revolve around the sun, which wouldn't be true if there were a black hole that near. But maybe I'm jumping the gun. I hope so, at least

Anyway, good luck on the revisions. Remember, a story is about events happening to people. Not events happening to cardboard cutouts.
{Edited to add more thoughts and comments that didn't occur to me until after I submitted the post.]

Fortunately, my comments transcend the individual versions. This opening is an attempt to create immediate tension, but it tries to do so by falling in to a common mistake. If we, the readers, don't know beforehand who is in peril and what is at stake, then we have absolutely no reason to care about this tense situation you are telling us about. Especially when you weigh it down with exposition about money and politics that no one in that room would be thinking about at this particular moment. The tension does not exist for the readers.

I agree with hoptoad and DeepDreamer that the story starts too late. I don't agree with DeepDreamer that this scene should be in the middle or end of your story, because you obviously have a story in mind to tell that occurs after this event, not before it. I would suggest backing up in time to before this moment that is so obviously tense for the characters. Introduce us to a POV character, the setting, the state of affairs, etc. and any other information we need to know to appreciate what is going on in the control room. Then proceed with this scene. That might mean backing up 15 minutes, 2 hours, 3 days, or more. I don't know - that's your determination.

I also suggest that you watch out for information dumps, especially when the POV character isn't thinking about that information.

A point I haven't seen mentioned: My suspension of disbelief was instantly killed when the astronaut asked if there was anything Houston could do to get them out of the gravitational pull. Armed with only the information you've given us, my reaction is that people trained to fly a space shuttle should know something about getting out of the gravitational pull of something in space, so they sound like wussies just whining for help. Obviously, I know you don't intend to have wuss astronauts, and they have probably already tried what they could, failed, and are now asking if the thinktank that is Houston can come up with any other possibilities. My point is that you need to either show us that process or convey the fact that it has already occured.

Having said all of that (a few mouthfuls from the loquacious sojoyful) I will say that this story sounds rather exciting to me personally, so don't be discouraged by the responses.

EDIT to add: PS - Lest you feel picked on, I want you to know that in the course of crititiquing your piece, I realized my current WIP has the exact same problem: starting with a melodramatic event that has no established context. So I thank you for giving *me* the opportunity to improve.

Actually, I can (but won't) point out several stories here on the F&F board where this could be the diagnosis. Must be a common writing error.

Also, where this segment goes depends on the length of the story you have in mind. I was pointing out where it felt to me it might go in a short story. It feels climactic.

But then, almost any point in any story could be the turning point. So I withdraw my unnecessary advice for where this scene should go. You know your story. You decide where this will go.

but there's another possibility: isn't nasa chatter SUPPOSED to really all kinds of slightly technical, but extremely crucial and incidentally dramatic information? what if you let that do most or all of your talking? then you would have:

"Expedition, this is Houston, do you read me?”
"....
"Houston, this is Expedition, I read you, barely. We don’t know our coordinates, but are closing on the Mass at 6.21 miles/sec. We're trapped in its gravitational pull."
"...."
"Do you have an exit plan, Houston?"
"...."

Then you could hit us with the backstory, if you so choose. either way, i think you could go all-context or no-context. halfway is confusing.