posted
First 13 lines of Book 1, Chapter 1 - YA fantasy. I've written about 1/3 of book and would appreciate any feedback. I have to submit 20 pgs. for a conference and would like some early reviews if anyone is interested... dj
Jack threw back the sheet on his narrow bed and drew a ragged breath that caught in his throat like a strangled cry. Fleeting shadowy wraiths crossed his waking consciousness and he raised a hand to wipe the sweat from his brow. Soon his heartbeat would steady. This nightmare had plagued his sleep since childhood. He always wondered why he never became immune to it; he knew each moment by heart. How could it terrify him time after time? Lying with his face toward the open window, Jack peered across the ledge into the dark. Outlines of the jutting north ends of mobile homes stacked row upon row like a train of freight cars pausing in the night. The familiar sight, framed by the looming shadows of Aspen’s summer slopes, eased his tension.
posted
I would like to know what's happening ASAP. As in:
Jack WOKE WITH A STRANGLED CRY. This nightmare had plagued his sleep since childhood. He always wondered why he never became immune to it; he knew each moment by heart.
<details on the nightmare>
Then we can get to the pounding heart and the sweaty brow. Until we know *why* he's feeling something, we can't feel it with him.
The details about the Aspen skyline are OK, but in the present form they seem like a distraction, becuase I don't care about the skyline. I care about the nightmare, about which I know almost nothing.
posted
Thanks for your input...does this grab you more? The dream is described in more detail throughout the first chapter, increasing in frequency and intensity like a countdown, foreshadowing his "summons" to Mirona a few chapters later. dj
Jack woke with a strangled cry. This nightmare had plagued his sleep since childhood. He always wondered why he never became immune to it; he knew each moment by heart. He tried to shut out the memory, but it sprang to shape fully formed in his mind. Jack staggered alone in a void, his feet not touching solid ground yet weighed down like fifty-pound stones were strapped to each ankle. The world around him shifted in grey swirls of unformed matter, neither liquid nor solid. A pinpoint of light beckoned to him beyond the grayness, unattainable. His body tensed, waiting, waiting. In an instant, a palpable malignancy swallowed him whole, destroying every living sensation and hating him to the brink of death. Jack threw back the sheet on his narrow bed and drew a ragged breath.
posted
You have to be very careful starting with a dream. As long as you let the reader know that it is a dream, you may be okay, but starting with a dream and not saying so tends to be one of the big no-nos. And editors really don't like "surprise! it was all a dream" stories, so they tend not to bother reading on when they can tell a story has started with a dream. (And they can tell, I promise you. Editors learn how to smell them, I think.)
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posted
Oops. Sorry for that bit of bad advice. I did not know that. But it does seem like a good thing to know. I have read "just a dream" books and did feel cheated at the end but I didn't realize a short dream would end a career before it starts. My Bad.
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It's not bad adivce, CLL. This story is one that seems like it would makes sense to start with the dream. But Katherine's point is well taken - you must let the reader know almost from the first line that it is a dream. The problem with starting in the dream is that it is difficult to do.
There was a story posted a few months ago (I can't find it when I scanned F&F but I'll take the time to actually look in a few minutes) that did start with a dream and did a great job conveying that. Think about what makes sense for the story.
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I'm not sure what editors like, but I am sure what *I* like, and I'm OK with starting with a dream as long as we know it's a dream and it matters in the waking world.
Another variation might be
Jack woke with a strangled cry. This nightmare had plagued his sleep since childhood, and it was always the same: he staggered alone in a void...
posted
I like cll's advice but understand how a dream sequence could be annoying to editors/readers alike. I like the action being more straightforward by starting with the dream...that it's a dream seems fairly obvious and it's brief. I've played with the 13 lines again and here's the result. What do y'all think? (Can you tell I'm Southern?) But the bigger question to me is -- do these lines (however they are configured) intrigue you enough to keep reading? Thanks for everybody's honest input. I like this place. dj
Jack Abraham staggered alone.
His feet didn’t touch solid ground yet felt as if fifty-pound stones were strapped to each ankle. The world around him shifted in grey swirls of unformed matter, neither liquid nor solid. A pinpoint of light beckoned to him beyond the grayness, unattainable. His body tensed, waiting, waiting. In an instant, a palpable evil swallowed him whole, destroying every living sensation and hating him to the brink of death.
He woke with a strangled cry. Shadowy wraiths crossed his waking consciousness as he raised a hand to wipe the sweat from his brow. Jack threw back the sheet on his narrow bed and drew a ragged breath. Soon his heartbeat would steady.
How could the same dream terrify him time after time?
[This message has been edited by djh (edited September 08, 2006).]
posted
You wait too long to tell us it is a dream. Try making your last sentance your first or second one. As an example:
How could the same dream terrify him time after time? Jack Abraham staggered alone though a dream scape of shifting swirls of grey unformed matter, neither liquid nor solid.
Now I know he's dreaming and don't feel "cheated" when he wakes up. Also, I'm interested in the world, even if it is only a dream.
Also try to get even more deeply into the POV - you are telling me that he feels like he has 50 lb stones attached to his feet. Show me. What I mean is: Are his leg muscles screaming in protest as he tries to lift his legs. Is sweat breaking out on his forehead because of the effort? Give me a bit more sensory input.
quote: In an instant, a palpable evil swallowed him whole, destroying every living sensation and hating him to the brink of death.
This is a great emotional moment and you fail to exploit it. If the dream is always the same, isn't he anticipating this? How does he feel about the palpable evil. What is palpable evil? Does darkness crush him? How does it destroy "every living sensation?" Does he go numb or is there an explosion of intense pain before the numbness?
posted
I've recently taken to reading Miss Snark, Literary Agent and find that her opinion verifys what I've suspected... opening with a dream/nightmare is the kiss of death if you want to sell a novel. It is a cliche that has been done to death. Just a heads up that picking a different place to start might be beneficial to you. Why not drop that first paragraph and simply start with him sitting at the window? Posts: 2026 | Registered: Mar 2005
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posted
Thanks Elan for the Miss Snark link -- it was very helpful to see what works for agents and what doesn't. Her comments, while snarky, are dead on about a lot more than dream sequences and I ditto your referral -- great learning tool. I spent a couple of hours there this weekend and it made me realize what's important - character development, a unique hook, deep POV, what comprises a good query letter and how important the first few pages are. Yes, I definately think I'll start this story in a different place...and when I decide where that is, I'll post a new 13 lines! Thanks to all. dj
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This story is one that seems like it would makes sense to start with the dream. But Katherine's point is well taken - you must let the reader know almost from the first line that it is a dream. The problem with starting in the dream is that it is difficult to do. 
