Susannah Raiche wasn’t thinking about the magic running through their land when she spied the coyote making off with one of her best layers. Her jaw clicked shut as the varmint gave a quick look over its shoulder toward their home stead before dashing off into the prairie grass.
“Finish the dishes, Katy,” she told her daughter who stood beside her with a feed sack towel. Katy nodded and obeyed, standing on tiptoes to peer through the precious glass window at what her mother just saw.
“Joseph, your Pa wants you in the barn as soon as you finish.”
“Yes Ma,” Joe replied, he was sitting on a stool near the fieldstone fireplace wrestling hard with a tangled mass of

I found this piece slightly confusing to be honest, but maybe it's just me being a bit slow today, if no-one else agrees then obviously disregard my comments.

Your first line starts off by telling us about the magic the MC is not thinking about when she spots the coyote. That left me wondering why it was relevant to tell us about something she wasn't thinking about. I'm guessing that the coyote is not just your average varmint, but some kind of magic??

The explaination for this didn't appear to be forthcoming until the last line, when you explain about her husband's silver wards. Except it took me a while to work what a silver ward is.

Maybe to someone who reads a lot of fantasy novels this would be immediately clear, but not to me.

I also got confused by the feed sack towel, I had to read it twice before realising it was a drying up rag of some sort. I take it you mentioned this to portray the family are poor?

As I said, maybe it's me being slow, but these few things spoilt the flow for me. Otherwise I think this would have been a decent enough hook to keep me reading.

[This message has been edited by Zoot (edited September 07, 2006).]

- If she isn't thinking about magic, why mention it?
- It took me a sec to realize "layers" meant chickens - I thought you meant the more common definition of 'layer' (level, stratum, etc.) and I was trying to figure out if it was some kind of magic thing and why a coyote would want it. Perhaps because you used the colloquial term before establishing that we're on a farm.
- Her jaw clicked shut? A makeup compact clicks shut, yes. But a jaw?
- She just saw a coyote making off with one of their chickens, and she's concerned about her daughter finishing the dishes?
- What's a feed sack towel?
- Is Susannah actively thinking that the glass window is precious? If not, it stuck out as a minor POV violation.
- Not to sound repetetive, but...she just saw a coyote making off with one of their chickens, and she's concerned about her son's chores?
- Sitting on a stool and wrestling hard don't seem compatible to me.
- Harness and bridles...one harness, and plural bridles. What?
- What's a silver ward?
- Unlike Zoot, I did not think the silver wards were related to the coyote incident. I thought the mischief which had circumvented the wards was responsible for the tangle of harness and bridles. That is due to the juxtaposition of the sentences. If that's what you intended, great. If not, well...

Like I said, if the ride were not bumpy because of those things, I would definitely keep reading. I feel like the POV was sufficiently established, though I don't understand her lack of reaction to the coyote. Good luck!

EDIT: on the one harness and plural bridles thing...if this is factually correct, then ignore me. I know nothing about horses.

"Her jaw clicked shut": for some reason this makes me think of an animal snapping its jaw. Certainly I don't get what it means here. Is it meant to convey some emotion? If so I dont' get it yet.

"feed sack towel": minor point -- I *think* this means textile mills exist

"precious glass window": yep, we're in industrial times, if a farmstead can afford this.

"silver wards": I don't understand; maybe I will in the next sentence

Summary is that Susanna sees a varmint and nags her kids. This is puzzling -- if she's concerned about the varmint, why doesn't she do something about it? -- but it also doesn't interest me. *She* doesn't care about the fox, so I don't; and I don't care about her relationship to her children -- except maybe I'd care from THEIR POVs about dealing with a complaining mother, if it were done well. So I'm just not getting hooked here.

Also I suspect the story will be about Susanna, and I don't look forward to spending the time with her.

I like the concept of a prairie fantasy. On that alone I would want to read more.

Right off I stumbled over the MC's last name. I just wasn't sure how I was supposed to pronounce it. Maybe it's just me. Seems like a minor detail.

I did not get chickens out of the word layers. I was thinking levels of something so I was immediately confused.

Jaws do click (mine does) but I didn't care for the description there.

I was okay with the command to Katy but thought too much info followed and it seemed to slip to Katy's pov for a minute. I know what a feed sack towel is but it seemed too much description.

I understand what you're going for by mentioning the feed sack towel and the glass window but it's not working for me. Maybe Susannah could be using the towel and looking through the window.

The command to Joseph takes us away from the coyote, which I assumed since you started with it, she was going to try and do something about it. I also thought there was a bit too much description going on, like you're trying to hard to give us the setting.

I don't know what a silver ward is.

I'm still intrigued enough to want to read more. Go ahead and send me the rest.

Cll, the story is on its way. I look forward to your insight. This morning I realized that Western Fantasy doesn't quite cut it, but that Prairie Fantasy did. Similar thinking?

I have a number of crits already out there though, and I DON'T have an e-mail for you.

Would you be interested in looking at this story after I polish it up after the first round of crits?

Let me know, please, my e-mail is in my profile.

You might consider reworking this to focus perdomintently on the mother:

Susannah Raiche wasn’t thinking about the magic running through their land when she spied the coyote making off with one of her best (hens, i suggest). She only exchanged a quick glance with the varmit before it dashed off into the prarie grass.

“Finish the dishes, Katy,” she told her daughter. "And
Joseph, your Pa wants you in the barn as soon as you finish."

This story has gone through some significant changes since it was last posted. The problems mentioned have been addressed as well as few others that weren't apparent in the first 13.

With any luck, I plan on posting a "New and Improved," first 13 and will be looking for folks to give it a quick read.

Anyone interested?