posted
Jump in feet first right? Been working on this this morning. Nothing serious. Just sort of playing around.
My story starts like most good, and bad stories start. With a wave and a goodbye. Sitting before me in plain white sleep-clothes is the Captain. He lies half prone, on his elbows in his open sleep chamber. . “See you in a minute, Jane,” the Captain says with a wry smile. “See you in 6 months, Captain,” I reply imitating his smile and adding in a casual wave. The Captain leans back into his chamber and activates it. A canopy extends out of the side of the chamber and slides sideways over the top forming a seal. A green flashing light over the top indicates the operation of the chamber.
posted
You might have an extra comma in your first sentence.
"A green flashing light over the top indicates the operation of the chamber."
This seems rather like a radio narrator's comment. Perhaps it would be better to use the light as the subject, on the order of "A light flashed green..."
posted
that gets explained very soon after this. Should i start with that right out of the bag? I guess what i am really asking is, in those first three lines should more be brought explained? is it starting to slow? I think I know the answer, but would still like conformation.
[This message has been edited by poserwriter765 (edited September 13, 2006).]
Printer-friendly view of this topic
