posted
This is a reworked opening to my previous post. This is a completly different approach, and I think it might be a little to much and out there.
By the way, this is a short story. It's not complete, just testing the waters. If you do want to see what I have so far just let me know. Thanks in advance for the help.
I ran down the soft, cold-gray mettle corridors of the starship, lights and access panels flashing by in a blur. I ran lost and alone except for the fear. The totally blinding fear that gripped my soul was the only thing I felt. The only thing that mattered in the universe. The fear breathed me in, and I felt on the verge of being consumed by it. More terrifying than the fear itself, was my total lack of awareness of what it was that was making me so afraid. Sure, I could almost put a face to it. Just almost. I felt in the back of my mind that I knew what was chasing me, but like a forgotten name to a familiar face, I just couldn't place what it was. Or why it hunted me. Certain that I had in fact seen it before, my fear was only magnified
posted
Nothing comes to my mind immediately, except that I really like it. I really like the setting set-up and description, and it paints a really nice, clear picture. No bad surprises (literary-wise) and it has me hooked. I'd like to read more if you have any.
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posted
I can sum this whole thing up in four words: The character is afraid. You've made that abundantly clear. My point is that you've used a ton of space to convey essentially one thing.
quote:I ran down the soft, cold-gray mettle corridors of the starship, lights and access panels flashing by in a blur. I ran lost and alone except for the fear.
This is ok, I guess, although it's not really very interesting because we don't know why he's scared. (I know, I know, the character doesn't know either. But there had to have been something that started him running. A mouse? A bad report card?) Also, I think you mean 'metal', not 'mettle'.
quote:The totally blinding fear that gripped my soul was the only thing I felt. The only thing that mattered in the universe. The fear breathed me in, and I felt on the verge of being consumed by it. More terrifying than the fear itself, was my total lack of awareness of what it was that was making me so afraid.
Enough, already! He's scared. I get it! Stop hitting me over the head with it. The only part that might be kept is that tag at the end about not knowing the reason for his fear. Unfortunately, by the time I got there I was so tired of being told how scared he is that I didn't care.
quote:Sure, I could almost put a face to it. Just almost. I felt in the back of my mind that I knew what was chasing me, but like a forgotten name to a familiar face, I just couldn't place what it was. Or why it hunted me. Certain that I had in fact seen it before, my fear was only magnified...
More of the same. It makes me ask myself sarcastically, "Hmmm...I wonder if this character is scared?" Yes, this has to do with that tag about the unknown terror, but I wasn't interested in that, and even if I were, this is too many words about that, too.
If you can boil this down to saying the same thing in much fewer words and then giving us a cause, a character, and a hint at a destination, it might work. Otherwise, it's just a high-tech update of the "she cried as she drove through the rain in the middle of the night" cliche.
[This message has been edited by sojoyful (edited September 13, 2006).]
posted
I like this better than your previous post, but agree that a little more information about this character, the setting, what triggered the scare is needed even if she/he doesn't know exactly what it is she/he fears. You are deep inside your character's head, which is good, but like sojoyful said, it needs to be more succinct. Possible edit:
I ran down the soft, cold-gray metal corridors of the starship, lights and access panels flashing by in a blur. I ran lost and alone except for the fear which threatened to consume me. More terrifying than the fear itself was not knowing what, or who, had caused it.
BTW, I'm sure you realize your first post was in present tense while this one is in past. Another BTW -- if this is a dream sequence, you might not want to start here either. (See the Fragments & Feedback thread for Watchstones of Mirona.) I cut my whole first chapter after discovering that starting with a dream/nightmare was too trite and tired for agents/editors to even consider.
posted
What sojoyful said. There's a passage in OSC's book characters & viewpoint: we get all the details of someone's morning toiletry rituals and breakfast, and are told that he's grieving, but the *one thing* we really want to know -- what's he grieving about? -- is omitted.
Tell us what we want to know -- which in this case is, what's MC afraid of?
posted
thank you all for your observations. All is still so new to me. I'll keep working on it. Perhaps the opening is so complicated because the idea isn't completly formed. I know where i want it to go. Sort of. And I'm not really sure how i want to get there. So again, i'm just playing around with different paths.
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