posted
This is the first thirteen of a short story. It is not really sci-fi nor fantasy but more historical with speculative elements. Please just comment on these line, what promises you think are being made here if any.
I don't have much of this one complete yet.
PS: some may find the language offensive but this is as bad as it gets.
quote: Rider Smith’s flannel coat was crusted with ice as thick as a sixpence. He huddled in the loom of a fallen tree watching the sky for any sign of dawn. It wouldn’t be long before someone found the overseer — if they hadn’t already — with his skull split open and Rider’s bloody shovel nearby. He hadn’t set out to kill him but he wasn’t sorry either. The man was the worst kind of English bastard. One that took gratification in inflicting misery on his charges. The whicker of a horse drifted to him through the gloom. Instantly he was alert, like a fox catching a whiff of the hounds.
thanks in advance.
[This message has been edited by hoptoad (edited September 21, 2006).]
posted
Mostly OK by me. "ice thick as a sixpence" -- I had to work to figure this, and still can't really picture that. Pretty thick!
No, it just occurred to me you meant thick as a sixpence's smallest dimension. It really *did* take a while.
The murder victim's badness seems a little vague.
I'm not really hooked. I think knowing what *personal* thing MC has against victim, would really help. "He got my Susie in a difficult position" or "he wouldn't give me Mum time off when she had consumption" or something.
posted
Ditto, Wbriggs, on the sixpence description, took me a while to get what you meant. Other than that I liked it, despite the fact the genre is not really my cup of tea.
Personally I don't think you need to give anymore information about the murder victim just yet, you've set the scene very clearly; I know he is hiding because he murdered someone who sounds like they deserved it. I sympathise with him.
I would definetly read on to see if he gets away with it.
posted
I like it...I see the promise of the hunt of a killer--probably justied, from appearances--his flight, and attempts to vindicate himself, or at least his attempts to escape and live free.....I would definitely read on.....I liked the use of "sixpence,"; it brought me right to England before the later verbiage did....
Posts: 29 | Registered: Sep 2006
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posted
This works, in general, although it could use some fleshing. 13 lines isn't much, but you've come a ways toward establishing the character and a setting, and have alluded to a conflict, which is good. Despite the otherwise clunky writing, I'd keep reading for a page or so, by virtue of your set-up.
I'd probably ditch the sixpence thing altogether though, not because it was confusing, but because the metaphor just dilutes that sentence, something you don't want happening at the beginning.
Rahl, could you clarify what you think is clunky? I sense it too but am not sure about a fix. Guess I need to get the story finished first, but I can't help myself from revising and self-editing along the way.
[This message has been edited by hoptoad (edited September 21, 2006).]
posted
I'm hesitant to really expand on that comment, mostly because it is stylistic and that is writer-dependent. Basically, pick more active phrasing and cut unnecessary words. That said, your style might work swimmingly with other people who would never feel that it was clunky. I can show you how _I_ would revise it, though, if this were mine. It is exceedingly possible that others might find my version more clunky, though. But perhaps that is the easiest way to elucidate what I meant:
Ice crusted Rider Smith’s flannel coat as he huddled in the lee of a fallen tree, watching the sky for dawn. Soon someone would discover the overseer, his skull split open by Rider’s bloody shovel lying nearby. If they hadn't already.
Rider didn't intend to kill the man, but he wasn’t sorry either. The overseer was an English bastard. The worst kind. One that delighted in inflicting misery on his charges.
The whicker of a horse drifted through the gloom. Rider perked up, like a fox catching the scent of hounds.
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