posted
1. there should be quotation marks here .....head back,(") Dane pleaded. 2. "...suppose to be tough." Should be "...suppose(d) to be tough 3. ...sat out after the Knight. should be ...(set) out after the Knight. 4. work on being more succinct in your writing. i.e. instead of saying "having cold bitten body" just say "frostbite". saying the same thing with fewer but equally descriptive words makes the story "roll off the eyes" better.
Posts: 18 | Registered: Aug 2006
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This piece has room for mechanical improvement but, to me at least, it does hook. It is intriguing. I would read on.
Posts: 92 | Registered: Aug 2006
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posted
It sounds a bit too much like Watch from "A Game of Thrones." In fact there is a scene very much like this one in the first book. You are going to need to make this sound different from George R. R. Martin's world.
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For me, the mechanics problems make it too much work to read.
Fortunately, mechanics problems are among the easiest to fix. Elements of Style, or Chicago Manual of Style, or some such. In case they don't say it: each piece of dialog needs its own paragraph.
[This message has been edited by wbriggs (edited September 15, 2006).]
posted
Some that markburnash missed: 5. In ...Sir Wil Laughed..., laughed should not be capitalized. 6. ...Kings Royal Knights... should be King(')s Royal Knights. 7. Also, no part of ...Kings Royal Knights... needs to be capitalized.
I agree with wbriggs. There are too many technical/mechanical problems for me to read this.
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