posted
If you'd like to read the rest let me know. Comments & constructive criticism would be appreciated. This is a short story, just under 2500 words. ___
When I was a child, my brothers and I would spend hours upon hours playing outside, dreaming up adventures and searching for treasures. Every time one of us brought one of our found treasures to Daddy, he would say the same thing: “Will wonders never cease?”
He would ask us about the treasure, where we found it, what we thought it was. Then he would examine it and either confirm our consensus, even when it was far fetched, or he would tell us a story about the real origin of the object.
When I was seven, we spent the summer up at my Uncle Joel's cabin on Galliano Island. We had a great time searching the shore for lost treasures and mystical creatures. Daddy told us a story of how he had seen a beautiful mermaid in the nearby cave
[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited September 15, 2006).]
posted
I'm going to make a very-nearly baseless assumption about the speaker in those lines... 5:1 it's female. ~I have never heard any male refer to his father as "daddy".
Anywho, now to the actual "response":
There are a few little grammatical things I would change (one or two unnecessary words, and the like), but the big thing is that you use the term "treasure" several times in a very short space.
That's fine and dandy, but the word treasure seems to me to be pretty generic. Maybe go for a synonym with a little more... specific meaning, or rather a word with more... depth.
I apologize if that doesn't make any sense, I kinda just streaming here.
*ahem*
Anywho, the premise sounds like it could evolve into something pretty interesting (I've loved these kinds of stories since I was 3) so if you'd care to email me some of it, I'd love to give it a read and let ya' know what I think.
posted
Trying again... I swear I already responded to this and it froze mid-post. Grr Argh. __
"I'm going to make a very-nearly baseless assumption about the speaker in those lines... 5:1 it's female. ~I have never heard any male refer to his father as "daddy"." *g* Yup. As you read on, her father calls her Princess... Now I have known a few guys that go by that name, but in this case... it's a girl. *g*
"...the word treasure seems to me to be pretty generic..." The word does occur rather frequently in the text, but it's what "daddy" calls the items the MC and her brothers discover. As the MC is looking back on a time when she was young and had a more limited vocabulary, she reverts to some of the language she used then.
I hope I'm making sense right now, but if I'm not, I blame the monster head-cold my nephew decided to share with the whole family.
Thanks for the responses.
Ohh, and I'll eventually get around to responding to those e-mails. ~Jeanie
[This message has been edited by tortoisefly (edited September 21, 2006).]
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