posted
This is a modernish fantasy. I have actually written over 20 pages of it, though I have, in outline form, over 20 more pages. I only have been working on it for about two months, so it isn't really in more than first draft. (Though it started as a dream, so would this be considered a second draft?)
Please let me know if it is appealing to you or if it is not. Truly what I would really want is comments/critiques, whether good or bad, on how to make it more appealing, or if I should just drop it. Though it's 15 lines, two lines have only one word each. Thank you very much for your time and energy! (Taking a deep breath and sending it before I lose my nerve!)
Okay, this is the first 13 lines of my story in progress.
I rounded the corner and stopped short. I was in the same clearing. I had walked in every direction away from this here, only to find myself coming to the exact same spot. Exasperated, I slid to the ground beneath one of the trees which surrounded the area. Hours of walking and I still was lost. It was almost as though I was being led to this same area. When I had ran into this forest, I had thought that the day could not get any worse. If only I had known! At least the men who were chasing me did not follow me into the forest, which at least was some good news.
Once I had decided to stay in the clearing for the night, I got up and started looking for something to eat. I was able to find some roots and nuts which I knew were edible for in the morning
[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited September 17, 2006).]
At least the men who were chasing me did not follow me into the forest, which at least was some good news.
"who were" is unnecessary as is the second "me" and the second "at least" it would flow better as "At least the men chasing me did not follow into the forest, which was some good news." and I had walked in every direction away from this here, only to find myself coming to the exact same spot. could be rewritten as "I had walked in every direction away from here, only to return to the exact same spot." work on eliminating unecessary words, they only bog the story down
posted
When your character "rounded the corner," I got the image that s/he was in a building, and he was turning a 90-degree corner. Since you're in a forest, you might want to change the corner to "bend." You could also lose the word "which" in "one of the trees which surrounded the area," and just say "one of the trees surrounding the area." You could also make your narrative a little more forcible by keeping the subjects of your sentences close to the verbs. The case I'm citing is "Hours of walking and I still was lost. Move "still" in front of "I" and you get "Hours of walking and still, I was lost."
Also, I'm no grammar guru, but when you're using a past perfect tense, I think it should be "When I had run..." instead of "When I had ran..." You might want to check it.
You could also get rid of "which I knew were edible." Do it, and you will not only achieve more brevity, but your sentence will be more understandable. For example:
"I was able to find some edible roots and nuts which I saved for the morning, and I killed a rabbit with a small stone I had found."
posted
There seems to be an "I" problem. That is: I did this. I did that. I had done the other thing.
It's only toward to the end of the first paragraph that we learn he was being chased. And I felt a flashback coming on. Therefore, I believe the story is starting in the wrong place. Start at the beginning of the story.
And beware the first person trap of having the narrator say, "If I had only known then what I know now..."
posted
I care a lot more about why MC is being chased, and where he (she?) hopes to go, than whether he found roots and berries.
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