posted
Below is the very first sentence of my novel's prologue. No critique needed. What I want to know is: After reading this first sentence, what information do you, the readers, want immediately following? I have 11.5 lines left, and I want to know what questions you want answered, what details you want expanded, what has piqued your curiosity and should be followed up on, etc.
I'm not telling you more because I want to see what you come up with, but if you'd like additional info about this situation/character in order to guide your responses, just ask.
Thanks a million in advance!
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Ghal spent four days heartsick over his obligation to punish Yun for her unthinkable act of murder.
posted
It's a provocative sentence. Some questions that spring to mind include the following:
1. What is the relationship between these two? Husband/wife, father/daughter, other?
2. What kind of punishment? Surely not death...
3. What did she do?
4. This wouldn't have to be answered right away -- What kind of culture depends on one person delivering justice for murder? Was Ghal the judge and jury as well?
posted
That's a lot to pack into one sentence. I'd suppose the next sentences would tell me what the circumstances of the crime were, why it's Ghal's job to punish her, and why he's heartsick about it.
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posted
Thanks! These responses are very helpful in deciding how to order the information in my first paragraph (and possibly how to edit that first sentence).
Any other input anyone has is still welcome.
PS - Pyre Dynasty, I can tell you with a great deal of confidence that no, there are no beavers involved.
[This message has been edited by sojoyful (edited September 21, 2006).]
"Ghal didn't want to punish Yun for committing murder, but he had to anyway."
"For four days, Ghal didn't want to punish Yun for commiting murder, but then he decided to kill her outright."
"Heartsick, Ghal waited four days before punishing Yun for murder."
"Society obligated Ghal to punish Yun for murder. Four heartsick days later, he did."
a little jokesy, but you get the point: murder in the first sentence always wins. and it's always unspeakable, so you don't need to tell us that. killer idea for a first sentence.
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