posted
Hello everyone. Here are the first few lines of a short story I just finished. Please let me know what you think. I would love feedback and if anyone would like to read the entire story that would be awesome. The entire work is about 2300 words. I'm not sure what genre it is. Enjoy
The town could have been anywhere, in any part of the country. Long dirt roads lines the ground and a thin cloud of dust seemed to linger right above the ground. It often gave an eerie feeling that there was no ground at all, that if you stepped out of your car your foot would never touch down. The town also had a bridge, it wasn’t the high-tech sort, constructed with metal beams, intricate designs and pillars that seemed to stretch towards the sky, it wasn’t even the sort of bridge seen in movies, with a quaint covering and just enough room for a singe horse and buggy. It was built before titanium and after horses with carriages. It was just slates of flat wooden planks nailed together, side-by-side stretching across a 30-foot ravine. The river it had once run over had long since
[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited September 22, 2006).]
posted
I think I may see where you are going with this. You do a reasonable job in creating a sense of suspense. And the story opens with a question, "What's up with this bridge?" Thus an implied promise that when the question is answered the story will end.
However, the unnamed town that could be anywhere doesn't seem concrete despite the heavy description of the bridge. I believe you should name the town upfront and be more specific where it is. It should grounded in a sense of reality. Personally, for a short story like this, I'd like to know who the viewpoint character is. It's going to be the VPC's interaction with the town and the bridge that is going to make or break the story.
[This message has been edited by ChrisOwens (edited September 22, 2006).]
posted
The first paragraph doesn't seem to contribute anything but setting which is equally well established with the second. I suggest you open with that paragraph about the bridge, and get to a viewpoint character as soon as you can (if you intend to at all).
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posted
My first reaction was "yes, but who's the story about, and what's the struggle?" I think you can get by with this if you show us the bridge sort of as if through some MC's eyes. I still suspect it would be better to see it from the eyes of an MC, but I'm not absolutely sure.
I do think you can cut all that about what the bridge isn't. I'd rather get straight to what it is, or (more specifically) what it crosses.
Creepy. I'd read. (I will read, if you have it ready.)
posted
Hello everyone, thank you very much for the feedback. there is an MC, it's a girl who currently lives in the town and she is introduced at line 15, so i had to cut her out to get the 13 line deadline. Sorry about that, i'm sure it causes a little confusion. Posts: 26 | Registered: Aug 2006
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posted
yep, start with that killer last line, only like everything, perhaps a little shorter, so something like:
"No one went near the bridge and no one liked to talk about it. It could have been in any countryside, right beside long dirt roads covered by lingering dust. Sometimes there seemed to be no ground near the bridge at all, that if you stepped out of your car your foot would never touch down. The bridge wasn't high tech; it had no metal beams, intricate designs or pillars stretching toward the sky. It wasn't even the kind of bridge in movies, with a quaint covering and just enough room for a horse and buggy. It was just slates of flat wooden planks nailed together, side-by-side stretching across a 30-foot ravine. The river once beneath it had long since dried up, leaving only rocks below, and now a thin cloud of dust."
i'm not sure how important the town is, since it could be any town, and, as you can tell, i'm not much for "seeming"- either something's something or it's not. doubtful writing is dull reading. as for "what the bridge is not"- if it develops the character's voice, the story's tone, keep it, otherwise cut to the chase.
not bad, though; i certainly want to know more about the bridge, and these people, and the mc who's perceiving this.
posted
I really liked this piece a lot. It establishes a great sense of scene and is told like an ol'-fashion ghost story, which I am quite nostalgic for. However, it is cluttered. If you clear out some repetition that you use and clean up the occasional passive voice, it will flow much better. The corrections are very minor, but consider this:
The town could have been anywhere. Long dirt roads lined the ground and a thin cloud of dust seemed to linger right above it. It often gave an eerie feeling that if you stepped out of your car your foot would never touch down.
The town also had a bridge constructed with metal beams, intricate designs and pillars that seemed to stretch towards the sky; not the sort of bridge seen in movies, with a quaint covering and just enough room for a singe horse and buggy. It was built before titanium and after horses with carriages.
It was just slates of flat wooden planks nailed together, side-by-side stretching across a 30-foot ravine. The river it had once run over had long since dried up. At the bottom of the ravine sat a cluster of large rocks. The thin cloud of dust seemed to come directly from under the bridge. No one in town ever went near the bridge and no one liked to talk about it.
posted
The town also had a bridge, it wasn’t the high-tech sort, constructed with metal beams, intricate designs and pillars that seemed to stretch towards the sky, it wasn’t even the sort of bridge seen in movies, with a quaint covering and just enough room for a singe horse and buggy.
This sentence runs together. The first comma should be a period.
The town also had a bridge. It wasn’t the high-tech sort, constructed with metal beams, intricate designs and pillars that seemed to stretch towards the sky, it wasn’t even the sort of bridge seen in movies, with a quaint covering and just enough room for a singe horse and buggy.
By isolating the statement that the town also had a bridge, you create an ominous sense that there is something unusual or scary about that particular bridge.
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