The media never tells you how to properly kill yourself. They always report stories of young girls just like you who take their own lives daily with a handful of Zoloft and a slash of vodka. But they never bother to mention that drinking alcohol with pills will end with you vomiting, being pissed off, and still very much alive.
But that doesn't faze you; you were never much of a booze-hound anyway. And you figure that if you're going to go, you want to go sober. At least sober enough to have the energy to scrawl f*** you, Ryan on your headboard mirror with the blood that will gush freely from your slit wrists. Now you remember: you need to buy razors. The safety blades your father uses to shave aren't going to cut it--quite literally.
[This message has been edited by Swimming Bird (edited September 23, 2006).]
1. The two paragraphs disagree with each other. You first tell us how hard it is to commit suicide and then how easy it is.
2. I generally disagree with the first paragraph and think the media does a pretty good job on this subject. This is a pretty subjective objection however.
3. I'd, personally, cut the "--quite literally" from the end. The safety razors line is a genuinely funny joke, you don't need to point it out. Have faith in yourself and your readers.
Aside from that you have a nice tone and a clear style. Some people may object that this is written in 2nd person but it doesn't really bother me. I find that it works rather nicely in this piece and it fits the voice you've adopted very well.
posted
i agree that, "quite literally" can go. the joke is funny enough on it's own. perhaps use quotation marks instead..."cut it" I'd also lose the caps on the You's, but that's really just a preferece thing. go more in depth with different ways to kill yourself too and why they just won't "cut it" like a razor will. hanging? nah, too much engineering shotgun? nah, too messy razor blades in a bathtub with the cold water running and some blood scribbling on the wall? priceless.
Posts: 18 | Registered: Aug 2006
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posted
As thexmedic said, your tone is clear and your style is clean. This isn't a bad opening.
The first paragraph is internally contradictory. If pills and alcohol don't kill you, then how did those girls on the news succeed?
"the blood that will gush freely from your slit wrists" was too strong for me. If I had been reading this in the store, I would have put the book down at that line. It's probably personal preference, but an image that graphic in the first 13 turns me off. It wasn't the idea I had a problem with, but how graphically it was described. Perhaps later in the story, when I had travelled with the character for a while, it would be ok. But not cold off the shelf. If you wanted to tone it down, you could do something like: "...on your headboard mirror in blood from your wrists..."
Hope this helps.
[This message has been edited by sojoyful (edited September 23, 2006).]
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