posted
This is the beginning of the prologue. It's a WIP about close to 12,000 words right now, but that's only half of what I've got written. It's fantasy with some random tossed in, though you don't see it here. Think knights on motorcyles.
And now our feature presentation...
She stood in the midst of the massed Scholars of the Sole Purpose and Witnessing Knights. Her trial had begun and the Scholars who recorded all things did not wish to miss a single detail. Their constant scribbling made her uncomfortable. She was being watched and she could not afford to make a mistake. From the edge of the Lake of Truth, Fate and Time, her master of four years called, “Squire Jimena Korvak, why have you come to this sacred place?” His voice was strong with ritual and commanded her to speak.
Jimena swallowed her fear. “To seek entrance to the Knighthood of the Sole Purpose, Sir Derrick White-Thunder.” She shouted her ritual lines without stutter.
Well? Is it good? Is it bad? How can I make it better? Or should I just pantomime ritual suicide and stop bothering you people?
posted
Far be it from me to oppose ritual suicide, but it does seem a little extreme!
Anyway, on to some suggestions.
I'd rather you pick a POV and stick with it (telling us what the Scholars didn't wish puts us into theirs).
I'd rather get her name up front. "Squire Jimena Korvak stood..."
Isn't squire a masculine title?
I don't know what's up or why she cares. Originally I thought she was on trial. Now I think it's an initiation ceremony. Or maybe there's going to be a sort of final exam.
What's at stake here, I wonder? If she fails, does she have another year of school; or is she condemned to a life of flipping burgers (or whatever they do back then); or do they boot her out of high society?
People say start in the action, and they're often right, but I need to know the significance of the action, too.
posted
I don't particularly like fantasy, so out of fairness I won't comment on those elements.
quote:I'd rather you pick a POV and stick with it (telling us what the Scholars didn't wish puts us into theirs).
Ditto. Stick closely to only the things Jimena actually knows and is thinking about at this moment. That will help us connect with her.
quote:I'd rather get her name up front. "Squire Jimena Korvak stood..."
Ditto again. No reason to start calling her 'she' when you can tell us her name. Again, that will help us connect with her more quickly.
quote:I don't know what's up or why she cares. Originally I thought she was on trial. Now I think it's an initiation ceremony. Or maybe there's going to be a sort of final exam.
Ditto ditto ditto. I'm very confused about what is happening here.
Also, I was having trouble with all the proper nouns you introduced. There were too many to absorb all at once, because I had to stop and try to understand what each one was. - Is it really all one group of people (Scholars of the Sole Purpose and Witnessing Knights), or is it two groups (1: Scholars of the Sole Purpose, 2:witnessing Knights)? - Lake of Truth, Fate and Time: I first read this as the Lake of Truth, period, and was confused by the Fate and Time part until I backed up and read it all as one. (I pictured this in a big cavern with fire, and now we're on a lake. I'm confused.) - Squire Jimena Korvak: I should have had her name earlier, because technically her master could be calling to anyone in the room, not necessarily her. - Knighthood of the Sole Purpose: wait...I thought the Scholars were from the Sole Purpose and the Knights were somebody else... - Sir Derrick White-Thunder: another proper name, probably an important one, but it's overwhelmed by all the other ones.
posted
Yeah thanks a lot y'all. You know it's funny because originally it started "Jimena Korvak stood..." but I changed it last second. And Yeah it's an initation of sorts and a final examination also. It's big and mystical and reveils itself further in the next couple of paragraphs. Of course if you want to know more you'd have to read on.
And yeah it's supposed to sound formal, because the trials are a formal occation. And I always did think the name "Lake of truth, fate and time" was overly pertentious. Maybe I'll just call it the Lake of the Purpose...
Also, she's trying to become a knight and there aren't a whole lot of femal knight terms. What would you call the apprentince to a knight other than sqire, even if said apprentince is a she?
[This message has been edited by JasTheMadTexan (edited September 25, 2006).]
posted
I guess for me, the biggest question that I would ask is - Are woman often initiated into a knightly order or is Jimena the first of her sex to enter?
If so then you could possibly simply create a title for a female Squire. Check the origin of the word and see if there is a feminine form. Many languages have Masculine and Feminine forms - French and Spanish definantly do.
IF not, then how does this male order feel about a woman becoming a knight? How does she feel?
posted
Interesting. I had absolutely no problem with her being a squire or becoming a knight. Is it a fantasy convention that they can't be (or just usually aren't) women?
Posts: 470 | Registered: Nov 2005
| IP: Logged |
posted
The Knights of the Sole Purpose are remenent of the old school knights of this world. The way of things changed and they managed to adapt, but they still hang onto some of their old traditions because they are essential for what they do. Knights of this world are rarely tradtional knights in the way we think of them serving lord and whatnot, but mercanary gangs who sell their skills to anyone who can pay. And really anybody can be one of these "biker-knights" if they have the skill.
So I really don't think the differences between male and female knights matter to anybody. There are all female gangs and all male gangs and co-ed gangs and knights that travel by themselves or in small groups. Anything is really possible.
posted
Cool. Just a question that popped into my head. If that then is the case, I doubt that the use of 'squire' won't any issue - in your world it is a unisex term to describe a person who is an apprentice knight.
Now I have a new query, about your reply. Why do these gangs have such a mystical ceremony for joining. For me a gang doesn't conjure images of honour, duty and so forth, rather dudes in dirty leather who will beat you up for your iron boots. Even a Merc gang seems a little too 'dirty' to have such an important initiation rite - more like, duel with Boktei here. if you kill 'em, you're in type of deal.
Perhaps you use of the word gang is not quite what you are meaning. Possibly I wouldn't even use the word Knight, unless loosely. Even through adaption, Knights would what difficulty being sellswords, rather than hold to their core beliefs. Also, what is the essential duty that they perform? Would this interfer with their work for the highest bidder philosophy?
Don't get me wrong here. i like the idea and premise and it does make me want to read more to find out what this ceremony is all about and now, even more about these Knightly Orders. Just trying to clarify a few things for myself and hopefully get you thinking about areas that may not have occurred to you. Something that i have found valuable in my own writings.
Printer-friendly view of this topic
