quote:

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The young man, bare to the waist as was the habit of those traveling the sea, looked taken aback as he clutched the winged pendant around his neck

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The "as was the habit of those traveling the sea" was jarring to me. I first thought it was a POV violation, which it is on the edge of, and had to go back and read it. The MC appears to be some sort of captain of a ship, would he think of the other man being bare chested in this manner? While it might be an important detail, it probably can wait. I missed the winged pendant on the first reading because of it. If you want to mention the bare chested thing now, the MC could note that the man was obviously aware of custom because he was bare to the waist. Or something like that.

quote:

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knew by the feel of the bag two things about the man who was trying to buy my services

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You might want to tell me up front that what services the MC offers. First, I thought he was a merc or other type of sellsword. It's not something the reader needs to be confused about even if it is only for a few lines.

People will differ with this but the "new" words didn't really bother me although I did wonder what twice-suritied actually meant. I was okay with Talon being a measure of weight although I thought scale was a form of currency until you mentioned gold a few words later.

quote:

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The only ones who would pay like this were men of bones and I had no wish to face a noose a third time, for this time I knew my old friend couldn’t save me.

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I would consider ending after "a third time." You aren't about to tell me here how he was saved from the gallows so don't make me wonder about it yet.

quote:

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“Blow away man of bones, I’ll not stand surity for your word.”

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I really liked this line.

You have me hooked. Do you have any more of it ready?

edited for typo

What kind of feedback are you looking for?

I second what has already been said.

I knew by the feel of the bag two things about the man who was trying to buy my services, the first was that he was rich, and the second was that he was mysterious.
This feels like a run-on sentence. Could you break it up? After 'services' would be a good spot.

"twice-suritied son of a pirate" was jarring for me because I don't know what it means. It was so jarring, in fact, that I entirely missed the clause that comes after it about the noose and the cross. I didn't catch those until second read.

If men of bones wear crosses of bones on their backs, and this mysterious stranger has no shirt on, then couldn't the MC tell he was a man of bones just by looking at his back, rather than inferring it from the money?

If he's not going to accept this 'customer' then why is he keeping his money - especially if it's so much?

The only ones who would pay like this were men of bones and I had no wish to face a noose a third time, for this time I knew my old friend couldn’t save me.
This feels like a run-on sentence. Could you separate some of this information? For example, you could put some of it in the first sentence: "...the first was that he was rich, the second was that he was a man of bones."

I agree with with kings_falcon: the part about the old friend not saving him makes me think about that, but that's not the direction you're taking us, so maybe leave it out for now?

“Blow away man of bones, I’ll not stand surity for your word.”
I really like the first part. The second...If I think about it I know what it says, but I couldn't understand what 'word' he was refusing to stand surity for. In the context of the whole passage, I was expecting something more along the lines of "Blow away, man of bones. I'll not hang for your crimes."

Even with these things, I still think this is an interesting opening. I'm interested in who this guy is and what happens next.

Hope this helps.

the mystery is already there. i think you can let it speak for itself: "Most reputable people wanted nothing to do with me...but as I juggled the bag, its weight and sound told me..."

I juggled the bag to judge more clearly the contents, had to be at least a Talon of gold Scale, I hadn't seen that much coin in one spot since they had taken me from the noose at the cove.

Bu† here was the mystery what did a seaman, by his dress, bare to waist and bearing surity marker to speak for another, want of a Twice-suretied son of a pirate? What did he want of a dead man?

"Blow away man of bones, I'll not stand surety for your gold." I made to toss the bag back to him.

He clutched the winged pendant around his neck and looked

I knew instantly by the weight of the bag [WHAT BAG?] ...

But here was the mystery: what did a seaman...want of a Twice-suretied son of a pirate? [WELL, HOW CAN MC KNOW, UNTIL HE ASKS?] What did he want of a dead man? [HUH?]

And what's "suretied"? And "talon"? (I can guess the latter, but another term might make reading easier.)

Where are we? What is MC's role here -- captain; guy on the street; hired hand?

I would like better something like:

Ever since [background], I've been suspicious [or whatever MC is] of [people like this man]. And there he was, [description], [location], saying [such-and-such which might reveal the role of MC here and what the seaman wants with him].

He threw me a bag. I knew instantly by the weight of it...

Which was why when this one landed in my hands, I had to come one conclusion about the man who had tossed it. "Blow away man of bones."

I made to toss it back, noting that he was brave enough to face me bare chested and unarmed. But he held up his hand to stall me. "I'd sooner hold the rope Jalen."

I like the contradiction of the "rich man" being a seaman.

Maybe some cutting and pasting between the three versions would work (forgive the presumption but this is the only way I can explaint what I mean ):

I knew by the feel of the bag two things about the man who was trying to buy my services, the first was that he was rich, and
that he was desparte to get out of _______ . Most people of good reputation wanted nothing to do with me, a son of a pirate who'd twice been rescued from the noose, a man of bones and still wore a cross of bones on his back.

I juggled the bag to judge more clearly the contents, had to be at least a Talon of gold Scale. I hadn't seen that much coin in one spot since they had taken me from the noose at the cove. It was over twenty times my boarding fee. The only ones who would pay like this were men of bones. I had no wish to face a noose a third time, since I'd not be saved from hanging again, to figure out what a seaman wanted from me.

"Blow away man of bones, I'll not stand surety for your gold." I made to toss the bag back to him.

He clutched the winged pendant around his neck and looked

I still have some confusions. I don't understand why Jalen is wary of strangers after escaping hanging. That is, they might be pirates, but wasn't that true before? Or did he not know it?

"Blow away man of bones": I'm not sure who's saying it or what it means.

"Hold the rope": I don't know what that means.

I find this version to be quite a hook. We have a mysterious and probably dangerous stranger, and he's likely a shadow of Jalen's past in some sense.

A surety is a person who agrees to be responsible for a debt.

Sometimes you want the word secure or ensure when using as a verb.

Security is the money (or other thing of worth) that secures a bond or promise. Security is posted by a surety.

I juggled the bag again trying to tally by weight and sound how much it carried, and my estimate was somewhere around two talon. Who was this man to surity a pirate with two talon of gold? was he a pirate come to drag me back to deeps beyond the cove?

I made to toss it back. "Blow away man of bones, I'll not break my word for your gold."

"I'd sooner hold the rope Jalen."
"Jalen hanged as a man of bones."

I think you might lessen the use of the word surety and clear up the confusion. Part of the confusion, for me, is that you use a nontraditional spelling for surety. I think you could use, "buy the services of . . " in place of "surity a pirate" on the first reference.

I don't under stand the "hold the rope" line. I suspect you might want to say "I'd sooner hold the rope than swing from it Jalen." A bit of clarification would help me understand what he is trying to say.

Small nits:

"whoever belonged to was rich, the second. . . " Wrong punctuation - either use a semincolon or break the sentance into two sentances.

"was he a pirate . . " Capitalize the "W"

The names don't mean anything to me yet (other from your comments). So you might want to add the new name to the last sentance -
"Aye, and Leshawn was born. Hold until the Turning and the surety is yours, Leshawn."

I like it and am very interested in what happens next.

The first was that whoever it belonged to was rich, the second was that it didn't belong to the seaman who stood before me bare to the waist.
This feels wordy, and "whoever it belonged to" is vague. Example: "The first was that it belonged to a rich man, the second was that it didn't belong to the bare-chested seaman standing before me."

I juggled the bag again trying to tally by weight and sound how much it carried, and my estimate was somewhere around two talon. Who was this man to surity a pirate with two talon of gold?
Again, wordy. Also repetitive. And you've missed opportunities for characterization. Example: "I weighed the bag in my hand, listening to its contents. Two talon of gold! Who was this man trying to surity a pirate with so much [or little?]?"

Also, I have no idea what "surity a pirate" means. In my opinion, find another way to say what you mean. Your use of the word surety hasn't made sense to me in any version.

was he a pirate come to drag me back to deeps beyond the cove?
Do you mean "the deeps"? What deeps? Davy Jones's locker? To me, 'deeps' signifies underwater. Also, what cove? Is it a real place, or just a figure of speech? Does the cove have a name? Example: "Was he a pirate come to drag me back to the [underwater prison?] beyond Devil's Cove?"

"Blow away man of bones, I'll not break my word for your gold."
Fantastic. Spot on. Very clear, and hints at something we'd like to learn about later in the story (what did he give his word about?).

"I'd sooner hold the rope Jalen."
I have no idea what you're saying here. What rope? Who the heck is Jalen? We need to know the answers to those questions before this dialogue, or it will make no sense.

"Aye, and Leshawn was born.
I didn't read your explanation about the names (the explanation has to come from the text, not its author). From this text, I don't know who Leshawn is or why he was born when Jalen hanged.

Hold until the Turning and The surety is yours."
Again, I don't know what this means. Stop trying to use the word surety. It's confusing me!

What does 'hold' mean in this instance? Possibilities:
- "Wait here until the Turning."
- "Hold this bag that I just tossed back at you until the Turning."
- "Don't do anything until the Turning."

What is the Turning? Again, we need to know beforehand, or this dialogue makes no sense to us.

Is this guy is trying to bargain? ("If you take me to the Turning, I'll give you that gold.") This doesn't make sense since the MC has already turned down the gold.

I am getting confused about who is saying what. Can you tag at least one of those lines of dialogue with a "____ said."?

Like Sara, I also would like to know what comes next, because it sounds interesting. As I said, you are showing a lot of improvement, which is very impressive. I am eager to see this piece evolve.

Hope this helps!

[This message has been edited by sojoyful (edited September 29, 2006).]

I juggled the bag trying by weight to tally its contents. It had to be almost two Talon of gold, maybe a little more, far more than a pirate could ask as boarding fee.

This led me to one conclusion. The man spoke for a pirate wanting to steal my ship. "Blow away man of bones, I'll not break my word for your gold."

Who wouldn't be hooked?

Some of my impressions...

"the seaman who stood before me bare to the waist."

This sounds kind of awkward to me. There should either be a comma between 'me' and 'bare', or you could simply call him the bare chested seaman. If it's necessary at all that you say he's not wearing a shirt. You mentioned before that most sailors did this, so maybe you should point out something else about the seaman that made him stand out - a scar, a wooden leg, one eye, fancy pants, muscles (or lack thereof)...

"I juggled the bag trying by weight to tally its contents."

I'm not sure about 'juggled'....unless he's throwing the bag around and around in circles.
I think you don't need to restate that he's assessing the weight of the bag again, since you already did that right in the beginning. Perhaps you can say something along the lines of... 'The bag was heavy. Much too heavy.'

"This led me to one conclusion. The man spoke for a pirate wanting to steal my ship."

Also, his death was not faked. Legally, the pirate, Jalen, was killed. But in a last minute deal worked out between the government, the pirate and an unnamed third party, he was spared, on condition that he not use his given name, that he give up piracy, and that he, without a charge, (That is a job) cannot leave the shallows between calimar (the city he is in) and 'the cove' the place where pirates are hanged or he and his crew are at the mercy of the government and would probably be brought back in chains to face the noose again...

The bag was heavy, very heavy. It had to be almost two Talon of gold, maybe a little more, far more than a pirate could ask as boarding fee.

I didn't see any marks of the empire, the only source of this amount of scale.This led me to one conclusion. The man spoke for a pirate wanting to steal my ship. "Blow away man of bones, I'll not break my word for your gold."

By the weight of the black bag tossed to buy passage on my ship, I knew two things with certainty. The first was that it belonged to a rich man; the second was that it didn't belong to the seaman who stood before me.
Good. Gives us the beginning of an idea about who this is, where we are, etc.

The bag was heavy, very heavy. It had to be almost two Talon of gold, maybe a little more, far more than a pirate could ask as boarding fee.
Great. I think you've finally nailed this bit. This is very clear AND has developed a definite narrative voice.

I didn't see any marks of the empire
Slightly awkward. Any marks of the empire where? On what? On the bag? On the seaman?

the only source of this amount of scale.
You have already identified gold as the currency in question. Now you're giving it another name, which is confusing, especially since 'scale' isn't a word we naturally associate with currency. You've also introduced the third word Talon as a particular amount of the currency gold. So just use the word gold again.

This led me to one conclusion. The man spoke for a pirate wanting to steal my ship.
I have to restate david2885's previous comment: How can there be only one conclusion? From the evidence you've given, I can think of lots of possible conclusions.

I'd sooner hold the rope than swing myself Jalen.
I still don't understand this, and it's the word Jalen that's confusing me. The sentence reads as if there's something missing. My brain keeps wanting to put something in, such as:
- I'd sooner hold the rope than swing myself like Jalen.
- I'd sooner hold the rope than swing myself for Jalen.
- I'd sooner hold the rope than swing myself, Jalen.

In any case, I also don't know what you mean by "hold the rope" or "swing myself." Since you've been trying to work this in to every version but it remains confusing, perhaps you should consider a different line for this character?

Keep it up! You've come a long way from your first try.

And just an FYI: I don't know about other people, but I am deliberately skipping any post you write wherein you explain plot elements, character background, etc. The reason I do this is because once I know those things, I can read between the lines of your text. A prospective reader in a bookstore doesn't have that benefit, so to give you helpful feedback I need to remain as 'untainted' as possible. The clarity needs to come from the text, not the author.

By telling him to 'blow away man of bones' he's saying leave now pirate, he called him out as a pirate and his response was I'd rather hold the rope than hang myself. In other words, I'm not a pirate."

And then, Jalen realizes that he used his given name not the name he's used for the past twenty years.

NB Scale is a coin, talon is equal to one coin per day, or, a 'year's wage' so they use the same word for the wage and the time. I have tried to fix this but it doesn't want to budge. I guess I'll have to find a way to work in the info.

You need to work on your use of commas. I think the following would be improved by this puncutation change: "Blow away, man of bones. I'll not break my word for your gold." (a comma before "man of bones" and break it into two sentences)

"I'd sooner hold the rop than swing myself, Jalen." (add quote before the line, and a comma before "Jalen" if the one he's talking to is "Jalen.")

I don't see how "scale" equals "Talon of gold" - and wouldn't it be "Talons" since there are two of them? You wouldn't say "two ton of gold" but "two tons of gold," for example.

Where would "marks of the empire" be, on the bag, on the gold, on the man? You didn't say he opened the bag and looked at the gold, just that he weighed it in his hand. And couldn't it as easily have been a bag of lead? Or even lead slugs with gold plating? He'd need to look to be sure he wasn't being snookered. He'd probably bite a coin to see if it was real gold, if he was the suspicious type.

We need to see more of what's going on here, I think. It's a bit too cryptic as it is, but it looks like the opening to an intriguing story. "Pirates of the Caribbean in Space" ??? Heehee. Good luck with it! Hope this helps!