Thanks in advance!

"The torrent crashed and heaved, attacking the flow wall [WHAT'S A FLOW WALL?]. Netra was forced [BY THE DEMON THAT POSSESSED HER, WHICH SHE CALLED "VOICE"] to watch, incapable of acting. She wanted to smash it, reaching out with her mind, tearing it down stone by stone. She imagined the water rushing over her and the village behind her. It would be quick. [SHE DIDN'T WANT HER PEOPLE TO DIE, BUT AT LEAST IT WOUDL BE QUICK or SHE WAS EAGER TO SEE THEM ALL DIE, BECAUSE THEY SAID HER SHOES WERE UGLY, AND IF THE WALL BROKE SHE COULD SEE IT HAPPEN or whatever the significance of this image might be]

Instead, she stood silent, smiling. Smiling of all things, Netra hated Voice’s sense of humor [I DON'T FOLLOW -- WHAT WAS VOICE'S JOKE?]. She wished the demon [HAD] left her as a vegetable. The wall was complete, the water could only struggle. [I DON'T FOLLOW. WHY IS THE WALL COMPLETE? DOES SHE *REALLY* WANT EVERYONE TO DROWN?]

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maybe not, but since I can't tell an editor what I'm TRYING to do, I can't really do that here as far as I understand it.

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Part of what I'm looking for is feedback to the clarity of the writing.

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There's a fine balance between telling too much and not telling enough. Telling too little guarantees that the reader will be confused, get frustrated, and put the book down. You don't want that. And we don't want that to happen either, which is why we're showing you where we are confused.

Just tell me
http://www.hatrack.com/forums/writers/forum/Forum1/HTML/002716.html

Also, when you tell me "I'm not overly concerned with spelling mistakes at this stage" it tells me you are going to be lax with your grammar as well. Since a written story's very existence depends on words, a statement like that leaves me predisposed to think other things, like clarity, will also be in short supply. Writing is a craft. A painter doesn't say, "Oh, I'm not worried about THOSE brush strokes." A musician doesn't say "I'm not concerned about THOSE notes." Your manuscript must work together as a whole.

I posted a rewrite looking for some feedback as an attempt to address the issues brought up by those who commented earlier. I'd very much appreciate it if others would also try to help with the areas I highlighted in both the first and 4th posts instead of replying with one line comments or other off-topic material. I do appreciate the adressing of my confusion about the forum use though.

In that spirit, here are some of the reasons why I'm interested in those specific areas.

Sooo, in the rewrite I've tried to address a few specific things, mostly using briggs' post as a guide to where specific unintentional questions stemmed.

The first change was to add some elaboration to what a "flow wall" was without getting very detailed. Hopefully I've supplied enough information to remove distracting questions about it since that wasn't an intended area of interest.

Second, I tried to clarify the difference between Voice and Netra and I'm hoping that solving that may have clarified some of briggs' other questions since some showed he was leaving my intended realm of possibilities. I'm also hoping the change helps explain their relationship a bit more than it did before.

I am really finding this very useful ( the confusion in person for example helped me nail down and stick to what I think is a more clear method of differentiating Netra and Voice throughtout the rest of what I've written so far. I am very thankful that was pointed out at this point.)

Thanks again.

And since I got another reply while posting:

"Also, when you tell me "I'm not overly concerned with spelling mistakes at this stage" it tells me you are going to be lax with your grammar as well. Since a written story's very existence depends on words, a statement like that leaves me predisposed to think other things, like clarity, will also be in short supply. Writing is a craft. A painter doesn't say, "Oh, I'm not worried about THOSE brush strokes." A musician doesn't say "I'm not concerned about THOSE notes." Your manuscript must work together as a whole."

I understand your analogy, but I can also liken my goal at this point to a sketch artist asking about the strength of a thumbnail pose. In that case the artist really DOESN'T care about the lines themselves, but rather the meaning of the pose, the placement of negative space and line of action. Those will be reworked easily in further interations while the pose itself becomes very difficult to modify once those lines are cleaner.

At this point spelling and grammar mistakes are very fluid in my opinion, while I am extremely concerned about other areas, especially as I'm trying to understand those areas and apply your comments more broadly.

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I'm hoping others can try to explain what they think I'm trying to describe

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If you are asking people to tell you where you are not being clear, that's one thing. But to say

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I think one of you might have caught what I was trying to convey while the other didn't

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I'm not going to say WHAT I'm trying to describe

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http://www.hatrack.com/forums/writers/forum/Forum6/HTML/000002.html

I am sorry that my wording was interpreted as unhelpful though. I was trying to be friendly while transitioning to the rewrite.

It's still work to figure out what's happening in the other things I was confused about. I suggest you clear those up as well. The first post in http://www.hatrack.com/forums/writers/forum/Forum1/HTML/002662.html shows something that I think would work -- that is, rearranging it so that we have no delay in figuring out what anything you say, means.

(Aside - Kathleen, is that clarification anywhere in the Please Read Here First threads? It seems to be a point that comes up again and again, sometimes with unhappy results. As Chris V put it, they feel as if they are being "shot at" when they aren't, and they don't know why.)

As for spelling and grammar, these are not things one leaves to more polished drafts. Proper grammar is the foundation of the English language. And in the era of word processors and dictionary.com, no one will convince me that spellchecking can wait until later. We all make mistakes, and we all relax the rules of grammar when we talk (or email, etc.), but to state outright that they aren't important "at this stage" shows that you don't take your writing seriously as a craft. That makes it hard for us to take it seriously either.

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And as a sub curiousity, regards to directing people to areas I'm looking for help. I think I misexpressed myself a little when I said "I don't care about spelling at this stage" Seeing how some are expanding that to be a general lax about spelling grammar or lack of pride in my work. I think I might have better expressed it originally in that I was trying to express that I wasn't specifically asking for spelling feedback. I've noticed many posts are devoted to lengthly nit picking of small spelling mistakes. Now what I'm not suggesting is that should a spelling (or grammar) mistake affect the piece so far as to inhibit comprehension or clarity (or any other area I specifically asked for help on). I'm also not saying that I'd refuse spelling or grammar feedback, but rather I was trying to direct reading attention to specific areas.

I'm fairly certain I read something about defining what kind of feedback I was looking for in those "read first" posts. Instead maybe I should just leave the door wide open in the future so as to avoid lengthy confusion.

This is just a little joke, but all this talk and confusion almost makes me wish there was a form I could fill out to submit in this forum and one for replies. You know something like.

Select areas of most feedback interest:
[ ] Spelling
[ ] Grammar
[ ] Content
[ ] Clarity
[ ] Hook Success
[ ] Other (please specify) _______________

<Insert 13 lines here>

Feedback form:
Select response:
[ ] Thank you!
[ ] Could you please clarify what you mean by __________(please specify).
[ ] Other (please attach to message)

Is the Voice/demon inside her?

Is the Voice the demon?

Is it controlling her?

If so, I need to have this information told to me right up front and very clearly. I can wait on why she wants to destroy the village for a bit but I can't wait for an explination on the "split" personality.

Clearly, the Voice is a large part of your story but I am at a loss to understand exactly what it is and why she's powerless to stop it. I wouldn't continue reading a story that has me this confused about a major plot element.

I know you are trying to show and not tell but a bit of telling (maybe one line) may be in order to explain the interrelationship between the entities we meet in the first few lines.