posted
Science-fantasy novel, currently at around 4400 words (prologue plus 2 chapters). This is the first 13 of chapter 1.
Please focus on the following: Something's wrong with this, and I don't know what. It feels limp, or flat, or clunky, or something. I've stared at it so long that I can't see it anymore. I have no clue what the problem is. Narrative voice? Not enough showing? Info-dump? Confusing? Help!
I welcome rewrite examples - encourage them, even - to help me identify the problem and see how it could be addressed.
quote:Tiayun was impatient to learn the identity of the Selosian infant in her forememory. She could care less who he was; she just wanted to know why this particular forememory clamored for more attention than the millions of others. Fortunately, she wouldn't have to wait long. Now that their current mission was finally over, she and Qaranam could go straight on to Selos.
High above the swamps darkening in the shadowy blues and grays of near-sunset, Tiayun's transport flew steadily toward the spaceport. The scenery began to feel uncomfortably familiar to her. What now? she wondered. She searched her forememories and quickly found the one that resembled this landscape. It was simple: a flock of birds silhouetted against the setting sun, followed by the transport exploding.
Thanks a million!
[This message has been edited by sojoyful (edited October 04, 2006).]
posted
I can't follow what's happening. I don't know what a forememory is -- which could be OK, but I don't know the *sensation* she's having. Is it like when I remember an image from the past? Is it like paging through a book or a web site?
Who's Qaranam?
What's her job? To me, this is the biggest gap. I don't know if she's a married woman returning from vacation and troubled by a memory, or a cop tying up loose ends, or a crazy woman trying to put her life back together after her memory came apart; and above all, I don't know why she cares about an unexplained memory.
I like the hook of the memory of the transport exploding.
"She could care less" -- I think you mean she couldn't care less, because she doesn't care at all.
More sensory detail could make the section seem more alive, although I think you're well on your way to that already.
Is Tiayun landing in Selos where she will investigate this memory? What is forememory? Aren't all memories of something that happened before? Before what? Before she existed? Is she a robot? Can the reference to the Selosian infant wait? We have to work too hard to figure things out in your current first paragraph - Selosian infant, forememory, current mission, Qaranam, Selos.
Maybe we're in her head too quickly without any understanding. It may be easier to move from the action to her thoughts rather than the other way around. As you recognized yourself, this feels disjointed because there's no transition from what's happening in her thoughts in paragraph 1 to the action taking place in paragraph 2.
I agree with wbriggs that your hook is the memory of the transport blowing up.
quote: High above the swamps darkening in the shadowy blues and grays of near-sunset, Tiayun's transport flew steadily toward the spaceport. The scenery began to feel uncomfortably familiar to her. What now? she wondered. She searched her forememories and quickly found the one that resembled this landscape. It was simple: a flock of birds silhouetted against the setting sun, followed by the transport exploding.
As an example, a possible rewrite could be:
Tiayun's (military/merchant/personal) transport flew steadily toward the spaceport in (description - the primordial planet) Selos. She watched the swamps below darken in the shadowy blues and grays of near-sunset and the scene provoked an uncomfortable familiarity in her. She searched (the database stored in) her forememory and found the one that resembled this landscape. The memory was simple: a flock of birds flew silhouetted against the setting sun, and a transport exploded.
Does this help any?
[This message has been edited by djh (edited October 05, 2006).]
posted
As her transport approached the spaceport, Taiyun gazed out over swamps darkening in the sunset. [SOMETHING HERRE TO MAKE IT CLEAR SHE'S NEVER ACTUALLY SEEN ANY OF THIS BEFORE.] What is so familiar, and so uncomfortable, about what I'm seeing? she wondered. She searched through her forememories and quickly found a similar image of flocking birds rising from this same swamp, silhouetted against this same setting sun, but below which a transport was exploding.
Harrowing as the image was, satisfying as it had been to solve a small mystery, she was now once again merely impatient. For among the millions of forememories she carried, those of one Selosion infant had been clamoring for her attention. And now that the latest mission had finally been completed, she and Qaranam could go straight on to [the planet/city of] Selos. Why, why, why is this infant so insistant? She knew she would have no peace until she found an answer/until the child was at peace. ----------------------
All caps in the above are not shouting, BTW. That's how an editor inserted things for me in an essay.
I feel like this makes sense, and does so more clearly. It still could use some action, like dialogue with Q, assuming Q is a talking being. The big differences are in word forms associated with the concept of forememory, verb tenses and in swapping the paragraphs.
The forememory thing sounds very interesting. Will the child "know" when things are fixed?
[This message has been edited by LaceWing (edited October 05, 2006).]
You've brought up some things I had no idea were confusing. That's good. Frustrating, but not as frustrating as being stuck!
A follow-up question, for wbriggs: You said, "I don't know why she cares about an unexplained memory." Can I assume from this comment that her simply wondering why it stands out isn't enough of a 'why' for you? What sort of 'why' are you looking for? (<-- honest question, not arguing)
Thanks again, folks. Keep 'em comin'!
[This message has been edited by sojoyful (edited October 05, 2006).]
posted
Yes, that's waht I mean. Sometimes a piece of a song, or a face, or something, will seem familiar, and I think "Who *was* that? Where have I seen her before?" -- but it's no big deal, and certainly not enough to warrant a trip to find out, which I *think* is happening here (if not, I don't know what the trip's about).
[This message has been edited by wbriggs (edited October 05, 2006).]
posted
I agree with much of what's been said, but I particularly think that djh is right, and your second paragraph should be your first.
In the first paragraph, I had no idea what a forememory was. In the second, I figured out that the transport that was exploding was Tiayun's transport, and that a "forememory" must be a memory of something that hasn't happened yet. (Right?) If you make that clearer up front, then the exploding transport won't make her be "merely impatient", as LaceWing said: it will make her that much more anxious, and put her in the middle of a crisis.
Also, Selos/Selosians and Qaranam are all mentioned but not "hooked" to anything. I don't know whether Selos is a city, a planet, or a star system, for example.
So, in no particular order, I'd recommend:
1. Ensure that the transport is identifiable as her own. 2. Ensure that the reader understands what a forememory is. If possible, note whether it's a common capability. 3. Reduce the complexity of items in the reader's mind by anchoring them more strongly and leaving out things if needed. 4. If possible, add cues about Tiayun -- occupation, mission, etc.
Potential rewrite, trying not to do too much violence to your style:
quote:From her transport window, Tiayun gazed across the shadowy blues and greys of near-sunset. She had never flown this way before -- she had never been so far from Selos, her home city, before -- but the scenery became uncomfortably familiar. What's next? she wondered.
She searched her thoughts, sifting past memories from forememories. The nagging forememory of an infant, a Selosian, rose again among millions of others; she shoved it aside. Finally she premembered this landscape: a flock of birds sihouetted against the setting sun, her transport speeding to the spaceport -- and then the transport exploding.
posted
Yes, Oliver, that is extremely helpful. Thank you!
As an aside, let me say how much I love F&F. We stare at our own work for so long that we don't see how many things are unclear or giving the wrong impression. Everyone's comments have been extremely helpful with the first, and the rewrites have pointed out the second. Thank you!
[This message has been edited by sojoyful (edited October 05, 2006).]
posted
I'm choosing not to read the other critiques before offering my own. This way you get a reader looking at it, untainted by the opinions of others. Tainted by alcohol, perhaps, following a good-bye party for a former co-worker, but untainted by opinions.
The thing that disturbs me most about this opener is that it jumps around too much. First we have a Selosian infant, and then the concept of a forememory. (Hopefully, not like the Bene Gesserit in Dune? I need for this story to offer a unique interpretation of that concept.)
Then we have our MC flying toward a spaceport, looking at a landscape. And then the transport explodes.
I can't figure out which direction you are wanting to go in? But I'm quite sure you are trying to cover too much territory at once. Either the MC is introspective, thinking about this forememory and infant, or she's flying in a transport admiring the landscape and dealing with vehicle explosions, but to try to smoosh both together is undermining your hook, IMHO.
Personally, I would recommend holding off on the introspection scene until later... books that open on a passive note don't tend to provide much of a hook. Identify the point of tension in this opener and stick with that. From first glance, it seems to be the exploding transport.
[This message has been edited by Elan (edited October 05, 2006).]
posted
Second comment, after reading the others... I missed the fact that the exploding transport was a fore-memory. My fault for skimming, not yours.
This business of "forememories"... I need context around it. Does the MC have an emotional reaction? If so, is she pleased, annoyed, afraid, excited to be having these memories? Are they controlled, or out-of-control?
I need to feel what the MC is feeling to interpret these events.
posted
A small point - I agree that putting the second paragraph before the first gives the story a more natural flow. Perhaps inserting a line leading to the infants fore-memory would help bridge the gap between the two paragraphs? Like this:
"She searched her forememories and quickly found the one that resembled this landscape. It was simple: a flock of birds silhouetted against the setting sun, followed by the transport exploding.
The forememory evaporated suddenly, as the Selosian infant in her forememory began clamoring for her attention again. Tiayun shook her head. This was the fifth time in as many hours her thoughts had been interrupted. She was impatient to learn the identity of the infant. She could care less who he was;..."
Just a suggestion
[This message has been edited by Simon_S (edited October 06, 2006).]
posted
If you decide to read "Dune," just go into it with the determination that Herbert's habit of jumping around with POV won't drive you nuts. It remains one of my favorite books of all time. That comment does not relate to any of the following volumes in the "Dune" series, btw.
I forgot to mention in my critique... the story IS a good hook. I would want to keep reading. It promises to be a good read.
posted
I like the idea, but you're right, you're not milking it for what it's worth with this opening paragraph.
I think the problem with it is that there are too many foreign concepts crammed together and each one has a word for it. It does feel a bit dune-ish but not everyone can be Frank Herbert.
quote: Tiayun was impatient to learn the identity of the Selosian infant in her forememory.
What about: Tianyun was impatient to learn the identity of the child that clamored in her forememory. She couldn't care less who he was; she just wanted to know why this particular forememory had the energy to be heard above the din of a million others.
Ok, this is clunky and I'm treating forememory as Frank Herbert's othermemory which I'm not sure it is. But maybe you can rescue an idea. Clamor is a nice strong verb. Throw it in in the first phrase for hook and punch. I substituted infant for child on a whim, child makes me feel more sympathetic to his cause and root for him.
quote:Fortunately, she wouldn't have to wait long. Now that their current mission was finally over, she and Qaranam could go straight on to Selos.
Lots of dangling ends. What's the current mission, who is Qaranam, what is Selos? Why not just lose that whole sentence and move on to the next paragraph which contains your second big hook.
quote:High above the swamps darkening in the shadowy blues and grays of near-sunset, Tiayun's transport flew steadily toward the spaceport.
For some reason this is difficult to read. I think it's the modifiers. "Darkening" also slows down the pace. Lose "shadowy". I don't think it adds much. What is a shadowy blue anyway? Invert the order as in: Tianyun's transport flew towards the spaceport over the swamps coloured by the blue-grays of near-sunset.
Hope that helped, sorry for taking liberties with your text
posted
Thanks! Very helpful. (Liberties are welcomed. )
As for the forememories, the feedback I'm getting tells me I haven't done a good job of defining that concept. Good to know. That's important to the story right away, so I'll have to work on it.
oliverhouse was closest when he said
quote:a "forememory" must be a memory of something that hasn't happened yet. (Right?)
That's still not exactly it, but closer than the Dune memory thing (from what I understand). Isn't it funny how we get so used to our own ideas that we forget to explain them?
posted
A quickie summary of the "Dune" concept of Bene Gesserit memories: A Bene Gesserit is similar in status to a Catholic Reverend Mother, although the Bene Gesserit have an amplified level of training in body science and awareness.. they can control their bodily functions much like the mystic yogis of India. The premise of the other memories is that when the Lady Jessica, a Bene Gesserit, went through the ritual to become a reverend mother, she drank a poison that moves her to an altered state of awareness. She demonstrates the skill of altering the poison in her system to make it harmless. During the ritual, she took on the memories of the previous Reverend Mother, absorbing all of her memories. Since each Reverend Mother goes through this ritual, it means you take on all the memories of all the Reverend Mothers who have preceeded you. In other words, you are never again alone, you have the clamoring voices of generations of reverend mothers inside you, and some Reverend Mothers go insane from the internal chaos.
That's an imperfect, but brief explanation of how Herbert portrays the concept of "other memories."
posted
*lightbulb over sojoyful's head* Ah, now I understand why everyone thinks this sounds like Dune. I was really wondering about that. Now I get it. I made it sound like she has the actual identity of a child inside her. *nods in comprehension* In truth, the only identity inside her is her own. The forememory is similar to an image of a child she doesn't recognize. Definitely needs better explanation on my part. Back to the drawing board.
You guys are great!
Hmm... I wonder if there's a better word for it than forememory. It's different than a vision, different than foreknowledge, different than prophecy. It works just like a regular memory - very clear at the time the event, getting hazier and losing detail the farther you get in time. For memories, that means time after the event, for forememories it means time before the event. So it starts out forgotten, and over time little snatches of the forememory start to come to her, then it gets clearer and clearer until it actually happens.
That's WAY oversimplified, but it gives you an idea. Could there be a better word for this?
posted
I think "forememory" is fine for what you described; "prememory" would seem to fit, and that would fit my little coinage "premember" slightly better, too. (I liked that one. )
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Precognition? Whatever term you end up choosing, if you are making the term up be sure to explain it to us as soon you introduce it. That way our brains won't wander off on tangents down the wrong path. It's always so jarring to be corrected after you've gotten comfy with your mental image of what something means.
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