posted
The forest was silent and still, the normal inhabitants fled or gone to ground. If he was looking for proof that he was on the right track, this alone would tell Marcus that the creatures he was tracking had passed this way. Dropping to a knee among the damp leaves that had fallen as the temperature had dropped, Marcus pulled his slender hunting knife and used it to shift some of the leaves to reveal a partial footprint. Looking along the visable section of the print, Marcus guessed that the creature that made the impression was travelling west. Following an imaginary line with his eyes, Marcus saw other sections of the leaf litter that had been recentlly disturbed. Definately on the right track.
[This message has been edited by RinkRatWriter (edited October 06, 2006).]
posted
This is the first 13 from the start of a story I just started working on. Does it seem out of place as the start? Also, how do you think it would work if the MC does not make an attempt to remember the name of another character based on the MC making the assumption that the other character probably won't be around long enough to worry about it?
[This message has been edited by RinkRatWriter (edited October 06, 2006).]
posted
This actually isn't a bad opening, but it strikes me as a little generic, and I'd like to have more information on what he's tracking and why. If you do that and it's interesting, it'd go a long way towards dispelling my "been there, done that" reaction.
Also, you need to turn a spellchecker on this piece, and the title instantly makes me groan and roll my eyes.
[This message has been edited by AeroB1033 (edited October 06, 2006).]
quote:If he was looking for proof that he was on the right track, this alone would tell Marcus that the creatures he was tracking had passed this way.
Okay, first mistake I see is the fact that you don't use his name until you've already said "he" twice. Just come right out and say what's up, who we're hangin' with, and why.
The reason this doesn't grab me is that you don't tell me enough to care about what's going on. I don't feel his urgency to catch this creature--especially if I don't know why he needs to find it. You could tell me in the first sentence why.
"Marcus followed the trail of his wife's blood. The creature had just been here, its feet compressing the earth with its swift passage. He could still smell the pugnant stench of it's fir....bla-bla-bla..."
See what I mean. Let us know right away--why? In my example he's following because of revenge, and to perhaps find his wife. Questions remaining: is she dead or alive? Will he find her in time? Those questions are okay, cause he (Marcus) doesn't know the answers himself.
quote:Also, how do you think it would work if the MC does not make an attempt to remember the name of another character based on the MC making the assumption that the other character probably won't be around long enough to worry about it?
Not sure what you're asking here, exactly, sorry. Are you referring to hiding info? Cause that's not okay 99.9% of the time, and the last point is left over for those most clever and manipulative writers who are superheros and can do the impossible.
posted
Ditto the above suggestions, especially that there aren't enough details about why Marcus is tracking these "creatures." Up the stakes, increase the tension by cluing us in -- why is this hunt important to him?
Also, let us feel what Marcus is feeling about the situation. The reason behind it will provoke his thoughts and feelings -- very different if it's a sporting hunt as opposed to tracking his wife's killer as pixydust mentioned.
Also, I agree that you should use Marcus' name up front - in place of the first "he." And you don't need to repeat it in each subsequent sentence - maybe just once more.
posted
What djh said, and: I have a suspicion that the cool thing in this story will be the creatures Marcus pursues. He knows why they're interesting, and we need a hook. Tell us!
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