posted
I've written most of the first scene of "Father Time" and actually got a little bit caught up in the story. Here's the first 13, ready to pick apart. I'm not yet sure if I want to continue with it. I've read a lot of thriller, legal, police, murder mystery, but have less interest these days in such stories. Maybe if I do the writing, I'll find a way to make one more to my liking.
quote: Rick Compton took the young cop's report and started reading, ignoring her babble. The “yes, sir” part was all he wanted to hear. Okay . . . Lance took the call at 7:58 pm, so dispatch was reliable tonight. From “an apparently adult female,” all he got was It was a shot - it's my brother – please - 439 Collins, uh, B - just now. Caller id linked the report to one . . . Pamela Worthing. No, this was not okay, this was oh shit.
He donned gloves, approached the body, and squatted down. Sure enough, the man with his face in a pool of blood was the police captain, his back-stabbing boss. Oh shit, in a big stinking pile.
The rest of the scene: Rick knows he has to keep this death quiet for now and find his own alibi for 7:58, who is none other than Pamela, soon. He gets the young cop, Glory, to deliver a note to the mayor. Glory knows Rick's tough guy reputation but saw his expression as he read the report and examined the body. She doesn't quite trust him, but wants to be a sleuth. He interviews the apartment manager, who heard nothing, but reveals that "Captain Worthless," as he is known, rented the run-down apartment 5 years before he supposedly moved into town. (The author suspects that Pamela is Rick's ex-wife, and that Glory is headed into danger. Lance the dispatcher and Bobby, Rick's ex-partner, might be helpers, might be bad guys.)
posted
There's only one major problem with this scene, and it's a common problem with a lot of the failed openings I've read--it's the "come out and tell me!" problem.
The first paragraph really had me scratching my head for a second, before I re-read it and figured out that someone was reporting a murder. When I got to the second paragraph I was confused again, because before I'd had the impression that the report was the first Rick had heard about the killing.
All of these problems could have been solved simply by starting off with a line like: "When Rick arrived at the scene of the murder, a young cop [would he know her name?] approached him with a report on the crime."
There's one other problem with the opening itself, and that's the use of Rick's full name. Is it really necessary right now? It would be easier if we only had to deal with one name, especially since you've already got Lance, Pamela Worthing, and Collins within the opening. Come to think of it, you might try to cut back on those as well, just so there's less for the reader to keep track of right away.
posted
I also found paragraph 1 tough to get through, requiring re-reading.
I disagree about using the full name. It's SOP to do this as soon as you introduce MC, and if you don't, then you'll have to explain later that Rick's last name is Compton or Compton's first name is Rick.
You could probably leave out Lance's name, and maybe even the apartment address.
I don't get really what happened -- why police captain was at this apartment, or why the work "okay" even showed up (who would call this OK?).
I don't think I like Compton. Someone's talking to him, and he doesn't want to hear, and he wont' even tell her he's not listening. I also don't think I detect any compassion for the murdered man. Now, this is legit, but you'll need something about Rick to make us want to follow him, I think. The usual thing is to make him sympathetic. Works best if we get what we like about him *before* the negative qualities. But you could also make him a bad guy.
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