posted
Well, I'm looking for readers for this prologue. It's a little over 1700 words. Anyway, here's the first 13.
The card comes in the mail every year on the same day. It’s a little like a Christmas card except there isn’t really anything to celebrate. Every time I read it I ask myself if I made the right decision; I ask myself if it was right to let Daniel go. I hope he forgave me for the choice I made. Sometimes I try to think of a different way, and I wonder if there was any way we could have…but those thoughts bring me no comfort. It’s been a long time, our lives have separated, probably indefinitely, and despite any effort I make to forget, I know I won’t: I can’t. The day I met him is so firmly burned into my memory I can remember every word, every movement, and, like gum sticking to my shoe, I feel it every step I take. Daniel was my third appointment that day, and he sat in the far corner of his cell,
[This message has been edited by Blackthorne (edited October 12, 2006).]
quote:The card comes in the mail every year on the same day. It’s a little like a Christmas card except there isn’t really anything to celebrate. Every time I read it I ask myself if I made the right decision; I ask myself if it was right to let Daniel go.
The topic at hand is the card, and you won't tell us what's on it. I find it maddening.
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posted
Stop, stop, stop. Ambiguity and confusion are not suspense. This is one of those frustrating openings where you tell us something is important, and then refuse to give us any solid information as to why.
Show me why it's important and worthy of emotion, and then I'll decide whether I agree. Don't just say "this is important" and expect me to jump right on the bandwagon.
quote:The card comes in the mail every year on the same day. It’s a little like a Christmas card except there isn’t really anything to celebrate.
This is a nice, grabby opening. It's just strange enough that I want to keep reading, because I know something odd is going on.
After that, however, this gets more and more frustrating because, as others have mentioned, you done give us any more clues.
quote:Every time I read it I ask myself if I made the right decision; I ask myself if it was right to let Daniel go.
The first part is ok, but I expect you to follow it with an explanation of what the decision was. The second half is too vague - we don't know who Daniel is or the relationship between them. My biggest problem is that I don't know how to define "let Daniel go". Go where? Leave their marriage? Die? March off to war? It could be just about anything.
quote:I hope he forgave me for the choice I made. Sometimes I try to think of a different way, and I wonder if there was any way we could have...but those thoughts bring me no comfort. It’s been a long time, our lives have separated, probably indefinitely, and despite any effort I make to forget, I know I won’t: I can’t.
This is basically well-written fluff, only because it doesn't answer any of our questions. We already know that he/she feels bad about this - tell us something we don't know.
quote:The day I met him is so firmly burned into my memory I can remember every word, every movement, and, like gum sticking to my shoe, I feel it every step I take.
This sentence is a chameleon. It's a nice turn of phrase, but it only works in the right context. Right now it is preceded by fluff that has lost our interest, and therefore this sentence is uninteresting as well. If it were preceded by a less confusing and vague passage, then this sentence would be great because it provokes an image.
quote:Daniel was my third appointment that day, and he sat in the far corner of his cell,
This is too late. You need to tell us their relationship much, much earlier so that we have a context for the main character's feelings. Once possibility is to ditch the entire first paragraph and start here. It's grabby and immediate.
Overall, the writing itself is good, but the content needs some bulking up. Tell us what's going on - why is the main character upset? OR, start right in with the scene in the cell, and let us experience it at the same time as the main character.
posted
The card comes in the mail every year on the same day. It’s a little like a Christmas card except there isn’t really anything to celebrate.
The day I met Daniel is so firmly burned into my memory I can remember his every word, every movement. He was my third appointment that Monday, and he sat in the far corner of his cell....
The rest of your verbiage isn't really needed right here. This is the important stuff -- that the card comes then segue to the story. The rest is just verbal hand-waving.
Well, that's my opinion.
[This message has been edited by arriki (edited October 12, 2006).]
posted
I like the tone of the opening. I always enjoy this style of writing, where a first-person narrator is talking directly to the reader. While I agree that you don't give the reader much information, I like the style enough that I would keep reading (but I'd want more information very soon).
I didn't like the "gum sticking to my shoe" analogy, though. It didn't seem to fit the tone of the rest of the paragraph: it had a silly, funny tone, where the rest of the paragraph felt pretty serious.
I don't usually read unfinished stories, but I'll read this for you if you'd like to email it to me.
posted
The card comes in the mail every year on the same day.
This makes me vaguely curious as to what kind of card it is.
It’s a little like a Christmas card except there isn’t really anything to celebrate. Every time I read it I ask myself if I made the right decision; I ask myself if it was right to let Daniel go.
Now it seems to be a ghost from the past. I don't know what kind, but I'm sure the narrator does.
I hope he forgave me for the choice I made. Sometimes I try to think of a different way, and I wonder if there was any way we could have…but those thoughts bring me no comfort. It’s been a long time, our lives have separated, probably indefinitely, and despite any effort I make to forget, I know I won’t: I can’t.
So that's why he isn't telling me -- he's trying to forget. If I has a sense of rapport with the narrator I might be interested in knowing what it is he's trying to forget.
The day I met him is so firmly burned into my memory I can remember every word, every movement, and, like gum sticking to my shoe, I feel it every step I take.
So it's important, but what is it?
Daniel was my third appointment that day, and he sat in the far corner of his cell,
Good thing you just squeezed this into the 13th line, or the editor would have tossed it out! I have far more rapport with Daniel in this sentence fragment than I have with the narrator. Could this sentence perhaps be closer to the start? Or maybe this whole paragraph (whatever it is -- I don't know) would be a better first paragraph? Or maybe I should get to know more about the narrator than that he's moping about the past?
[This message has been edited by Hendrik Boom (edited October 12, 2006).]
posted
I wasn't sure whether to include the first paragraph in the intro or not, though, technically, it is the first thing the reader sees. There are several moments where the story jumps from the past to the present, such as this one, and I usually have them presented in italics. I've been debating several times whether to include both the first and last paragraphs of the prologue, since both are of the internal monologuish nature. Anyway, thanks for the input. Oh, and I was told the same thing about the gum analogy by a couple other people in my fiction class, so I'm trying to come up with something better.
P.S. Still looking for readers
[This message has been edited by Blackthorne (edited October 12, 2006).]
posted
I liked the first paragraph especially the first two lines. The problem is after those wonderful details you devolve into the general. I really liked the device of using the card to set up the memory.
Tell me up front what the card is and who it is from if she/he knows. Is it Snoopy sitting on top of his dog house with a typewriter? Is is a "thinking of you" card? Is it a sympathy one? You aren't going to lose your intensity if you tell me. In fact, if I know and the MC has a real reaction to it you've drawn me into an emotional connection with the MC.
Same thing with Daniel. Thank goodness you've given him a name but give me some connection to the MC too. Is Daniel her: son; brother; lover: evil robot monkey; evil robot monkey lover; evil robot monkey son? What? Also, when I get more information about Daniel I'm confused. He's someone she let go but he's in a jail cell? If he's in prison, I would think "turned her back on" would be better. After all, he's not going anywhere. But that might not be right since I don't have any idea where the plot is going from here.
A hint about what gender the MC is would be nice too. As you can see, I've assumed that the MC is female for no reaon other than I'm also female.
So, while it shows great promise as written the fragment leaves me annoyed that information is being withheld and confused about the information I am given.
I'd suggest keeping the first two lines. Spend some time telling me more abou the card because that IS your hook. I don't need her remorse in the first thirteen necessarily because if you tell me about the card I will give you the time to tell me about the history behind it.
posted
I agree with I have read so far, the card was an attention grabber and becomes frustrating too. What is on it, why is it important and who is Daniel.... I am certain once these ambiguities are cleaned up that it will all become clear, and I love the premise of the story - it is interesting
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