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This is the prolouge for a current fantasy story I am working on. Here's a short summary of the story idea:
Eddiruck is a Druid-Vassal born into the Clan of the Winter God, Urdine. But when he discovers that he was born on the Fields of Ice as an unwanted child, he must embark on a journey to uncover the mysteries behind his lineage and destiny. But, when the Clan Lord entrusts him with a talisman from the House of the Jade Tower, he has the world's best wizards and assassins hot on his trail. He must journey from the Fields of Ice to the Jade Tower to confront the House Lord.
Here is the prolouge:
Lityl lay helpless in the ice-grass. The only person around to deliver her baby was the traveler. She still had not caught his name. "So, stranger," Lithyl said between grunts and contractions, "what do they call you in the City of Flame?" "Cathmor. I am the prentice sorcerer of the Onyx Tower." "Cathmor, why are you delivering my child?" Lithyl saw the man open his mouth, as if to give a reason, but pause. "It matters not." There was a moment of intense silence. "The Gods tell me that this child will be special." Tears built up in Lithyl's eyes. "You mean--" Suddenly, she howled with pain. The baby was coming. "Cathmor, raise this child. I will not live much longer."
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Your prologue has the type of language that feeds my imagination a fantasy setting. "Ice-grass." "City of Flame." "Onyx Tower." These phrases produce the proper imagery for such a tale. Nice work.
Watch the colorful saidisms. "Lithyl said between grunts and contractions . . ." Keep to "she said." Use the grunts and stuff somewhere else.
Oh, and is it Lithyl (3rd line) or Lityl (1st line)?
I also found her asking Cathmor why he was delivering her baby somewhat confusing. The first line clearly indicated that he was the only person there to do the job. Why would she ask?
I would drop the "suddenly" and just state she howled with pain. It begs the question of when a person would premeditatedly howl with pain.
If you wish to make this beginning more of a mind grabber, give us some clues as to why she is dying in childbirth. Loss of blood, birthing comlications, or whatever -- something to indicate how she knows she is going to die in the process.
My wife was not chatty *at all* when she was in labor. Maybe some women are, I don't know. Put it made the scene a little less believable for me. Maybe it is jarring here because if she was as close to delivery as it seems, then she doesn't have much time between contractions to rest at all. It's pretty much one on top of the other at that point. So maybe the scene needs to be lengthened out to start when she isn't in active labor.
First he said it didn't matter why. Then he tells her it's because he knows the child will be special. Seemed like he gave in too easily. Was he just saying it because? Give me some visual clue since I can't get in his head.
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I also found it odd that she'd be having an introductory conversation while n labor.
The point of view is cinematic. I think 3PL would work better here. (Example: she lay helpless on the ice-grass -- cool phrase -- but we don't know how she felt or what she thought, just we could see if we had a video camera present.)
posted
Lithyl lay helpless in the ice-grass. The only person around to deliver her baby was the traveler. She still had not caught his name. "So, stranger," Lithyl said, "what do they call you in the City of Flame?" "Cathmor. I am the prentice sorcerer of the Onyx Tower." "Cathmor, why do you care to deliver my child?" Lithyl saw the man open his mouth, as if to give a reason, but pause. "It matters not." There was a moment of intense silence. "The Gods tell me that this child will be special." Tears built up in Lithyl's eyes. "You mean--" She howled with pain. The baby was coming. "Cathmor, raise this child. I will not live much longer."
I hope this was an improvement.
Also, I have a background of the world the story is set in: Edranon. The land of Edranon is governed by wizards, but the wizards alternate every three months- "years" to them. The Air-Wizards rule in the Wind of Draegon (spring). The Fire-Wizards rule in the Flame of Penwyn (summer). The Earth-Wizards rule in the Chill of Emon (Autumn), and the Ice-Wizards rule in the winter, or the Snow of Keui'lyn.
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