posted
There is more to this if you'd like to read it. This is the thrird incarnation of this chapter. Something didn't flow right with the other ones.
Feedback would be appericiated amd if you'd like to read the rest of this version or the other two, email me.
In his dream, Alexandros stood watching a pair, a wolf with fur like the night, and its companion. In the darkness that surrounded him, he could not make out any landmarks that would tell him where they were. He heard the wolf howl and turned to look at it as distant howls answered the call. He watched as a pale hand reached out to stroke the ebony fur for a few moments before it reached up and pushed back the hood. Copper curls spilled out and down the figure's shoulders and back. He shivered as he always did when he saw this. Red hair of any shade was an ill omen to his people and marked the bearer as a servant of Iscot, Lord of Darkness.
Moments later, laugher floated on the breeze. Alexandros looked around for the source and found where the wolf once was, now
[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited October 18, 2006).]
posted
I have to say, I like this opening a lot. It captured me, which is a bit of a feat considering you chose to start with a dream sequence. I only have one criticism, though, and it's more of an annoyance than anything.
"In his dream, Alexandros stood watching a pair, a wolf with fur like the night, and its companion."
You'd probably be better off telling us who the companion is right away, maybe something like this: "...and its companion, a young girl with copper hair..."
I feel like you're concealing the information, and even though you regained my trust a couple sentences later, it'd be better to just say it up front.
This normally wouldn't matter, but with an opening, every little thing tends to count.
posted
I started losing focus when we got to the wolf and its companion, and I didn't know if the wolf's companion was man, woman, wolf, or some other animal.
I'm not terribly motivated to keep reading. It's just a dream.
posted
There are some mechanical problems I noticed.
" In the darkness that surrounded him, he could not make out any landmarks that would tell him where they were."
The use of "him" almost suggests some unclear pronoun reference, and the use of "they" confuses even more. Is the "him" Alexandros, the wolf, or the companion? The "they" seems to refer to the wolf-and-companion duo, but I'm not sure.
"before it reached up and pushed back the hood." The hood of what? "the hood" makes me think it was mentioned before, but it wasn't.
"He shivered as he always did when he saw this. Red hair of any shade was an ill omen to his people..." Back to unclear pronoun reference. Is "he" referring to the figure with the hood, or to Alexandros?
"His hair matched that of the girl..." What girl?
These are the things that keep me from wanting to read. The langauge needs some tweaking, although I do see some elements of beauty in your language, as wbriggs pointed out.
The fact that it is a dream sequence intrigues me, because signs automatically become ominous in a dream, whereas characters have to do a bit more interpreting of symbolic images they encounter in the waking world.
posted
In his dream, Alexandros stood watching a pair, a wolf with fur like the night, and its companion. In the darkness that surrounded him, he could not make out any landmarks that would tell him where they were.
I find this confusing. Alexandros is watching something in the dark. How can he be sure what it is without seeing it clearly, and how can he if everyone is in the dark (especially a wolf with fur that blends into the night!)? Also, why would he expect to see a landmark through darkness, which doesn't have to be absolute to hide people or things? I like the story, but this immediately caught my attention and distraced me from it.
posted
I don't have significant problems with this, but I'm not fully hooked yet. I think you could make it more vivid by cutting, and maybe fit in more information that could hook us.
Here's an edit with nothing but cuts and any grammatically necessary changes to accomodate them. See if you miss any of the missing words.
quote:In his dream, Alexandros stood watching a pair, a wolf with fur like the night, and its companion. In the darkness, he could not make out any landmarks that would tell him where they were. The wolf howled, and he turned as distant howls answered the call. A pale hand reached out to stroke the ebony fur before reaching up and pushing back the hood. Copper curls spilled out and down the figure's shoulders and back. He shivered as he always did when he saw this. Red hair was an ill omen, marking the bearer as a servant of Iscot, Lord of Darkness.
That may not seem like much, but it's 103 words down from 126, a savings of almost 20% -- 9 lines instead of 13. I might cut slightly more, too, and maybe edit differently, but I don't want to do violence to your style.
(I'm still not sure about whether I was right to edit the "distant howls" part, but part of the reason is that I'm not sure what he's turning to face: you start off saying that he's looking at the pair, and then you say he turns to look at the wolf, but the wolf is half of the pair that he was already looking at. I didn't get whatever vision you had here, I don't think.)
I think I'd like to know that "its companion" is a person earlier.
Nits:
"the hood" should be "the figure's hood" or something like that, no?
I'd put a comma after "He shivered".
Regards, Oliver
[This message has been edited by oliverhouse (edited October 18, 2006).]
posted
My suggestion would be to illuminate your figures with transient moonlight, especially since you emphasized that your main character needs to see the woman's red hair clearly. Clouds passing overhead will give that effect. As for the main character's orientation, simply stating that he did not know where he was is sufficient. Sometimes the writer or reader can lose focus amid too many details.
Good luck with NaNoWriMo. I've never tried it myself.
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