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The sun wakes me, blinding me. The note is still on the pillow. I get up (blah blah blah, details of morning rituals). The water of the shower pours over me, cleansing me; the grief remains. Stale toast and weak coffee await me in the kitchen. ...

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His point: it's all surface detail. Even though we're in 3PL, we're getting almost no detail that cinematic wouldn't give; and the two things that really matter, the author won't tell us: grief about what? And what's in that *@#$!! note?

I recommend you read Please Read Here First. When you post to F&F, you should tell us the length and genre of your story, what you would like from us (critique of the first 13, critique of whole story, etc.

I will credit you with only posting the first 13, however. If you break that rule, SHE WHO MUST BE IDENTIFIED IN ALL CAPS might flog you with ancient candle wicks. If you're lucky, the candles won't still be around them.

Having said all that, here's what I think of your first 13:

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There's a piece in OSC's Characters & Viewpoint. Something like:

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I'm personally not a big fan of jargon, so leaving the identification of "OSC" open feels a little bit like you're withholding. I hope he/she/it is an important player in the rest of the story if you're going to put him/her/it in the first sentence like that.

The quote from OSC's book does indeed build tension, but at a cost. It's clear that the narrator is bored by the excerpt, but do you really want to bore your readers with it as well? I know, "show, don't tell" and all, but I wonder about this being on your first page.

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His point: it's all surface detail.

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Interesting bit of characterization here. By having the narrator identify OSC's point, you're really having him make a point himself. It's a level of indirection, which should make him/her/it feel distant -- I should feel closer to OSC, since that's the viewpoint I'm getting -- but he/she/it feels pretty close, instead. Good job, and an interesting technique. (I think you should identify the gender of the narrator somehow. Maybe that of OSC, too.)

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Even though we're in 3PL,

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Jargon, again, and I really don't know what you're talking about here. We're "in" 3PL: is that a spaceship? Another dimension? A state? A mental state? Give the reader something to latch on to here.

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and the two things that really matter, the author won't tell us: grief about what? And what's in that *@#$!! note?

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Excellent job highlighting the struggle that the narrator is having, right on the first page. My only concern at this point (other than the nits mentioned) is that you might be limiting your audience to readers who are also writers; this isn't a universal concern. If you're okay with that, though, go for it.

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I think it's subtle, because the *author* knows what's in the note and why we should care, and thus is excited by the story -- but us poor readers don't, so we don't feel hooked.

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Interesting, how you refer to the "author" here, subtly bringing us a hint of metafiction: I can't help but think about you as author when the narrator refers to the author in his/her/its world.

To sum up: I think you've got something here -- I'd definitely turn the page -- but you can probably tighten it up a bit. If you're looking for readers of the whole thing, ship it over to editor AT shimmerzine DOT com.

I suspect Will's only flaw here was posting this to the F&F forum when it more accurately belongs in the Open Writing forum.

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Even though we're in 3PL

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Other than that, polish, submit, and hope for the best!

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But seriously. I agree - surface details aren't much fun to read, especially when we are teased with things we might care about - like the note or the grief. I think OSC also says something about the kinds of details we just don't ever need to know - like when they go to the bathroom or blow their nose or scratch their elbow - unless it is of significance to the story.

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I don't think you gave _this_ post a very careful reading.

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