posted
Hi. This is a fantasy short, around 4000 words. I just need comments on the first thirteen, thank you.
Dis drove the scrapper into the rock, green muscles rippling as she fought the unrelenting surface. Sweat ran down her scales and her atrophied gills glistened from the effort.
She'd been at it all night and although the stone was smoother now, it still looked like any old rock.
The legend didn't say she needed to carve the stone into a statue, did it? She only had to polish it, or did she? She wished she hadn't forgotten her grandmother's stories, and then remembered that the old woman had refused to help her give birth and decided that the decrepit hag didn't know anything worthwhile knowing.
The farain girl sat on her heels for a second. She needed to rest, but the first rays of sunlight trickled down the mountains and threw her back to work with frenzy.
posted
At a mechanics level, I'd say some reordering would help. I keep going "Huh? Oh!" which isn't the worst thing but still does contain a "Huh?"
That is, I want to know she's a lizard in sentence 1, and I want to know why she's doing something with the rock before I know she's using a scrapper (what's that?) to do it.
Nit: "The farain girl..." I think: who's that -- Dis, or another character?
I like the internal dialog.
At a higher level, I have a bias against stories in which aliens think like humans. (That is, if she's going to think like a human, let her *be* human.) All I get from her thinking is "snotty teenager." What's the reason she needs to be Lizard Girl? It shouldn't be necessary to show us in the first 13, but given the huge numbers of aliens-that-are-men-in-funny-suits, I think that it is.
posted
I didn't have any problem with the way you showed her to be an evolved aquatic lizard-or-fish sort of thing: it was fast enough, and clear enough, and I can learn anything else relevant about her later.
I agree, though, that I'd like to understand what's going on with the rock more quickly. Part of the problem is the name; I read "scrapper" and I think "machine used to tear up scrap materials, or to turn stuff into scrap". When she "drives" it into the rock, I think she's trying to break it into pieces. But then the rock just seems smoother, and then I hear about polishing and carving. It didn't compute.
Ditto Briggs on the "human in green skin" thoughts. Not just in her thoughts, either. If Dis is an evolved fish, would she have given birth or laid [lain?] eggs?
Are you deliberately invoking Dante with the name "Dis"?
I can't put my finger on it, but the line with the grandmother seems clunky. Maybe it's the "and then remembered" -- what Dis remembers seems like the kind of thing you'd never really forget.
Ditto Briggs on "The farain girl".
"Frenzy" seems like a strange word here: a frenzy of hanging on to a polishing machine? Maybe "with a vengeance", or just cut it?
[This message has been edited by oliverhouse (edited October 23, 2006).]
posted
Beyond what others have mentioned here your writing is good. If I picked this up in a book store and read these first few lines? Hmm.. I think I'm not really hooked because there is no compelling conflict. I'm guessing that there is a story about a legend or prophecy that came from good old grandma but its going to be a lot of work to get to it and I'm not certain if it will be all that good when I get there and then I will feel frustrated.
Personally, I'd probably put it down again. For me it needs something more compelling up front, a hint of how good its going to be if I just invest the time.
Ok, I should have mentioned that this had a short two paragraph foreward in which a legend of a stone is explained. That was a dumb mistake on my part, sorry. She's a lizard-humanoid because she's evolved from humans, that's what the story is about. Would having her "think" about what her grandma said be better than having her "remember" it? Thanks!
quote:Ok, I should have mentioned that this had a short two paragraph foreward in which a legend of a stone is explained.
Well, okay, but if (part of) the point of limiting it to 13 lines is because you only want what the editor will see, then you're circumventing that by starting after those two paragraphs.
quote:Would having her "think" about what her grandma said be better than having her "remember" it?
Maybe. I think I'd need to see the sentence before I could really say "yes" or "no".
I keep forgetting to tell you, I love reading your stuff. So, I love reading your stuff.
I still like this story.
I think you might need to define the myth of the "rock" in the first sentance or at least few lines. You could do it with some internal dialog:
"If I don't free the spirit entombed in the rock, my child will die an outcast."
Now I know why she's buffing the rock and what the stakes are. You might also hint in the first 13 that she has to wear all of the stone away before her child is born at dawn.
I thought you dealt with the half-lizard thing well in the second sentance but then I know why she's a half lizard. The dialog is great too.
It's a good rewrite and with a bit of tweaking, I think you have it.
posted
Instead of using the word "remembered" try seeing what it sounds like if you end that paragraph with a question. I'm not suggestion you have a paragraph of all questions. I just think swapping around how you present your sentences may make it sound smoother.
[This message has been edited by PatEsden (edited October 25, 2006).]
posted
Actually, I would suggest that if you have two paragraphs that introduce the legend of the stone that this lizard-girl is "scrapping," then that should be your introductory 13 lines. If that legend is where your hook is, then that's what we need to be reading here. That legend is what's likely to grab your readers...and if it's your introduction, and it doesn't grab your readers, then they will never get to these 13 lines anyway.
posted
I think that the work shows merit. What concerns me beyond what's already been picked at so far is this: of all the people offering suggestions, there is one person who exhibits more enjoyment than the others, and that's kings_falcon. Why? Because kings understands more of what's going on than just what you show in the 13. What you may want to do, and what I think the others are driving at, is encapsulate enough backstory into the simultaneous action to spring us all into that understanding.
quote:She wished she hadn't forgotten her grandmother's stories, and then remembered that the old woman had refused to help her give birth and decided that the decrepit hag didn't know anything worthwhile knowing.
I think what makes this section so jarring is that your character is changing her entire positioning on the old hag in the same breath. I.E., "I wish I had more time with my father before he died, but he was kind of mean so really I'm glad he died before I had more time with him." Doesn't really work so well. Basically, the second overrides the first, making neither a pointed statement. For this reason, the entire thing may not belong in your first 13 unless the process of going from A to B is intrinsic to your MC or the plot, in which case more of that process needs be shown, likely spanning more than one sentence.
Also... do lizards have gils? o.O When I hear scales and gils, I think fish. Unless she's amphibian, which would explain the atrophy. Having already taken some heat for missing ties into the main story on my own works, I offer only a humble opinion by saying so, but I think it's important to use some space to flesh your MC out a bit more if they're established at all in the first 13. There are more schools of thought on this than lines on the first page of your manuscript, though. ;)
You are so right about the grandmother thing. I was trying to make her sound young and inmature but that phrase doesn't work as it is. I'll figure something out.
The reason I didn't start with the prologue is that this is a radical rewrite of a story that was already hatracked. I think that's why kings_falcon "gets it".
Oliver: I don't think I'm circunventing the 13 line convention. If this were a novel, I could decide whether to start with the prologue or the first chapter and nobody would shake their finger at me. Thanks for the comments. "Scrapper" is not the right word, I realize that now. I figure I can probably expand on the stone-polishing. I always tend to rush my beginnings.
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