posted
Well after thinking about it for several months, I decided that the previous feedback was correct. I needed to start a bit earlier. Here's the revised first 13 for The King's Falcon, 109,00 words, fantasy. Thank you in advance for any comments.
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Standing beneath the shelter of the tree branches, the boy who was nearly a man scanned the meadow for anything that might betray his presence. Karsh turned at the sound of rustling behind him. “Seesan, Ellana,” he said. “Do you want us to get caught?” She shook her head and he understood her fear. He, the heir apparent, would be whipped until flesh was flayed from bone for his complacency in her crime; his twin, however, would be put to death for the audacity of being born a female and a mage. He wasn’t risking Ellana’s safety on what mere sight would reveal. Closing his eyes, Karsh extended his senses with magic searching for less physical threats. There were only the animals he expected to find among the early shoots of grain. The confirmation did nothing to ease the rock of anxiety in his stomach.
posted
I didn't read your earlier post, so I'm starting fresh on this one. First, let me say I am intriqued enough to want to read more. I like the premise and the writing style.
quote: Standing beneath the shelter of the tree branches, the boy who was nearly a man scanned the meadow for anything that might betray his presence. Karsh turned at the sound of rustling behind him. “Seesan, Ellana,” he said. “Do you want us to get caught?”
I was confused here at first -- wondering if "the boy who was nearly a man" and Karsh were the same person. And, since you are in his POV, would he think of himself as "the boy who was nearly a man?" It would be clearer to start with his name in the first sentence.
Also, it seems that his sister came from behind and surprised him, or was she already with him and her rustling annoyed him? To clarify, you could say "betray their presence" in the first sentence. Then we know he isn't alone.
"Seesan?" A curse word? A term of endearment? A command to be quiet? Until we are more firmly rooted in your MC's world, I would use an understandable term here.
quote: She shook her head and he understood her fear.
Shaking her head doesn't connote fear to me. Convey her fear in a more convincing way.
quote: He, the heir apparent, would be whipped until flesh was flayed from bone for his complacency in her crime;
Do you mean "complicity"?
quote: He wasn’t risking Ellana’s safety on what mere sight would reveal. Closing his eyes, Karsh extended his senses with magic searching for less physical threats.
Maybe you should transpose these two sentences, thus explaining why he's searching for threats after the action rather than before (and we don't know what it refers to yet.) Also, what is he searching for? "Less physical threats" than what?
One more nit: surely Ellana wouldn't be put to death for being a female, but maybe for being a female mage.
Just MHO! I would definitely read on...
[This message has been edited by djh (edited October 25, 2006).]
posted
Will, not to argue. But I thought I did: "He, the heir apparent, would be whipped until flesh was flayed from bone for his complacency in her crime; his twin, however, would be put to death for the audacity of being born a female and a mage."
He would be in trouble for hiding her ability and helping her learn. Can you give me any suggestions on how to make this clearer?
Or does this work better: He, the heir apparent, would be whipped until flesh was flayed from bone for hiding her from the other mages and teaching her to control her gift; his twin, however, would be put to death for the audacity of being born a female and a mage.
posted
Honestly, I don't necessarily agree that leaving something of the conflict to question is a bad thing. If this should be your hook, you don't want to say, "Hey, I'm in trouble and this is why, and here's what I have to do to fix it." I think it's important to hint at the conflict, but not to dump the entirety of it in the reader's lap.
I'm definitely interested. You wrap us right into the problem at hand.
My concern is that you try to tell a lot more than you show. This may be part of the problem with the "boy who was nearly a man" indication. You might do better to show us the boy, and hint at the man via description and action.
quote: She shook her head and he understood her fear. He, the heir apparent, would be whipped until flesh was flayed from bone for his complacency in her crime; his twin, however, would be put to death for the audacity of being born a female and a mage.
You'd do better to depict her fear than to have the presumption there in a bare shaking of her head. There are plenty of common uses out there, a drawn brow or a biting of the lip: you could take it a step further, and give us something unique and identifying to this character alone. Show us a quirk in her terror, and we'll more richly identify the girl.
Also, it's true that saying she'd be put to death for being a woman, AS WELL AS a mage, is a little confusing. If an heiress would be put to death upon discovery, that might make for a more understood concept. If it's simply that she's a mage trapped in a girl's body, that needs to be more clearly stated.
quote: Closing his eyes, Karsh extended his senses with magic searching for less physical threats. There were only the animals he expected to find among the early shoots of grain.
I also agree that the order by which he uses his magic in chronology to what he's searching for seems counter-intuitive. You might do well to make this moment play as the internal motive, the action, and then the result.
Also, maybe it's just my emotional ties to a certain Sting song, but you have a potentially rich environment in which the characters are hiding -- if you fleshed this out, giving the "shoots of grain" a little more life and sentiment, you'll put us in the field with them.
quote: The confirmation did nothing to ease the rock of anxiety in his stomach.
I think this turned out to cut very well in the 13 line format. Your final indication is that there's something more to his concern. Despite his magical gifts, despite the fact that there are only common animals with them, they're not out of the woods yet. Or the wheat fields. Same difference. :P
posted
I like this as a start, the first more than the second rewrite posted. I think the implication for what he’s in trouble for is strong enough with out having to tell the reader directly as it is in the second version and I think the flow and style of the first version blend with the voice used in the rest of the story better.
[This message has been edited by Neoindra (edited October 29, 2006).]
"Seesan, Ellana" definitely ought to be changed. I've never seen the word Seesan and at this point in the story I can't make this reference out. At first I thought it was her last name, but when I kept reading I realized that wasn't right and then I thought it was someone else, as in he was talking to two people. Anyway, your reader will be really confused about that word.
Maybe I'm just wierd, but to me the "He wasn’t risking Ellana’s safety on what mere sight would reveal" seemed like he was risking her safetey on something ethereal or what have you.
I also did not understand the fact that he was training her.
Also, just out of curiosity, is "109,00" supposed to be 109,000 or 10,900 or something I'm not getting?
The comments on "seesan" make sense. Too little context at this point to place it but that's an easy fix.
Here's the problem I may be having. The culture is very different than ours or any in our history that I am aware of. As a female, Ellana is slightly better off then a slave despite being the older twin and essentially a pawn for political and other purposes. Women with mage potential are put to death. Men are not. So, she would be put to death for being female AND a mage, either alone is not sufficient. He's risking her life by allowing her to use magic and making it easier for some other mage to detect her while he's training her to hide her gift.
I'm not sure how else to convey all of that in 13 lines without an info dump (ack!). It does get fleshed out in the chapter that follows. So, is the confusion enough to have you put it down? If so, any suggestions on how to clarify.
On flaying Karsh. They would. Any number of half-brothers could become the hier apparent if Karsh were weak enough to die from the punishment. The best analogy for the culture is the Klingons from Undiscovered Country on huge doses of testosterone or the klingon equivilant Even then, Klingons would be considered weak by many of the warlords in this culture.
Does the sentance ". . . flayed until . . " at this point in the story before you have a chance to understand his world hurt the credibility so much that you lose faith and would stop reading?
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