posted
“It isn’t safe for you to stay here Curtis.” Drenton patted the young boy on the back and turned him toward the large doors that looked out onto the snowy expanse outside Triada. He knelt down to the boy’s level and pointed to the line of rubble in the snow that marked the extreme outer boundary of Triada, the furthest the little boy could go. “Wait for me there, at the outer boundary. If I don’t come by noon, then run, run away and don’t come back. Whatever you do, whatever it takes, don’t come back.” His voice started to fail as he tried to keep the tears away. “Whatever you have to do don’t stop, not ‘till you’re safe. Not ‘till you’re free.” The boy bowed his head dejectedly. “You’re sending me
[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited October 29, 2006).]
posted
-Tell us why he has to send the boy away immediately. Without that information, all of the emotion in this opening is meaningless.
-You have some POV problems. First, you never clearly established whose point of view we were in; I assumed it was Drenton's, but I didn't really know that it was. It's unnecessarily confusing. Second, you're not getting into his head at all. Lines like "his voice started to fail" are far too cinematic and ought to be coming from his thoughts and his feelings rather than cold description.
-The dialogue strikes me as cliched and obvious. "It isn't safe for you to stay here...", "Wait for me here... if I don't come back by noon...", and so on. It's so obvious it doesn't ring true. Surely you can draw more on their relationship to come up with better things than this. I also have trouble buying Curtis' line--he's a boy, not a robot (or so I assume).
-You might not be starting the story in the right place. Think about rewriting and starting out where Drenton first makes the decision to take the boy out here; that way there's some context, and you'll be beginning when the trouble begins. It feels too much like you're starting in the middle of an action.
[This message has been edited by AeroB1033 (edited October 28, 2006).]
posted
I disagree with Aero in the need to tell us immediately why he is sending the boy away. I feel you'll get this across to us in need time. I definantly have some questions though, like why is this guy a master to the boy? What time period is this? Whats hunting them? etc. Which is all good, just telling you what kind of threads you are starting. But overall you have good hook.
I do agree with Aero in that you need to set your POV stronger, and get in Drenton's head more.
posted
I'm hooked. Deftly done, deftly written. I'm so into it, I can wait a few pages to know the "why" and the "what" of it. My only nit is modifiers. I think you could trim a few from the first couple of lines. Hope that helped
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posted
Thank you all, I guess it works better. That whole 'what is he running from' is the basis of the entire book. So I want the reader to understand his situation first off, that he has no place else to go. Does it work?
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posted
I'm interested. How long is the story ie shortish or novel lenght? Depending on the answer, I might want a hint or two more about what's happening in the first 13.
Most of the below falls into the Nit catagory.
I really liked the writing but I thought that the dialog and some of the description was a bit redundant. I understood that Curtis shouldn't come back the the house (?) after the first time. If you streamline Drenton's instructions you will have more space for some details in the first 13.
I do want to generally know why he feels like he must send Curtis away or something to convey the urgency of the situation. Right now, I don't have the sense that anything is unting him even though I suspect bad things are about to happen. If it's novel lenght, I would wait a page or so based the strength of the writing to see if you fleshed the reasons out though.
I'm not sure where they are other than there are "large doors that looked out onto the snowy expanse outside Triada." Are we in a house near the boarder? While I liked that you got the country (?) name in there, I wanted a bit more connection to the location. "The extreme outer boundery of Triada" in the next the sentance didn't give me any information the previous line did. Drenton's dialog in the following sentance also repeats "outer boundary." The characters would know that so you don't need to stress it this much, IMHO.
You have a bit of witholding that is confusing for me. You say the boundary is as far as the boy could go without telling me why and then tell him to run away. Why can't he cross it? Where is he supposed to go if he's "trapped" in Triado?
The "dejectedly" isn't necessary in the last line. You get the emotion from the boy "bowing his head" although "hanging" might be a better word since "bowing" connotates submission more than dejection to me.
posted
Ok, for those who don't read these, tune out....
The setting is a future earth, so country is pretty much irrelevant since there aren't any. Triada is a medical facility. Curtis is an experament. his 'father' doctor drenton is one of the men working on his project. his 'master' he thinks is one of the other doctors, he doesn't know that there is more going on.
As to streamline, I'm afraid I don't see where you are talking about. What part of the conversation and orders is unclear?
Nothing in the dialog is unclear. It was just, in my opinion, a bit redundant.
quote: “It isn’t safe for you to stay here Curtis.” Drenton patted the young boy on the back and turned him toward the large doors that looked out onto the snowy expanse outside Triada. He knelt down to the boy’s level and pointed to the line of rubble in the snow that marked the extreme outer boundary of Triada, the furthest the little boy could go. “Wait for me there, at the outer boundary. If I don’t come by noon, then run, run away and don’t come back. Whatever you do, whatever it takes, don’t come back.”
That's 96 words.
I think can be trimmed down to something like:
“It isn’t safe for you to stay here Curtis.”
Drenton patted the boy on the back and nudged him toward the doors that opened onto the snowy expanse outside Triada, the medical facility where Curtis was created.
He knelt and pointed to the line of rubble in the snow that marked the perimeter of the facility, the furthest that Curtis could go (without ?).
“Wait at the outer boundary. If I don’t come by noon, run away and, whatever it takes, don’t come back.”
Which is 86 words. While 10 "extra" words aren't a lot, the pacing "feels" better to me and now I've been given some idea of setting and the stakes. You've lost none of your content.
That Denton knelt "down to the boy’s level" is presumed by the fact that he knelt.
To give you an example of an edit someone did to my WIP along the same line: My MC just challenged the antagonist to spar with swords. My text was that she "drew her sword and took a ready stance." "and took a ready stance" adds nothing because the reader put her in that stance when I said she drew the sword. I don't have to say it for the reader.
Anyway, I hope that helps.
[This message has been edited by kings_falcon (edited October 31, 2006).]
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