posted
Here's my second go at this. For those who didn't read my last post, it's an epic animal fantasy (in my mind, at least). Word count is still negligible. I got rid of the archaicisms, and worked out the POV.
Raw instinct drove the deathlike hawk onwards. It had been days since the last meal, though that didn’t register to the hawk. All that came to its starkly primitive mind was the aching of its wings and the relentless starvation, half-carried on a northbound wind and the rest hanging on fate’s slender edge.
A stirring in the windswept moor below swung the hawk’s instincts from dull to desperate. The hawk could barely make out a burrow on the side of a rocky slope, clumps of sage obscuring it from view. Sitting stock-still amidst it all was a gaunt rabbit, snout testing the warm summer breeze. Except for the occasional twitch, the hawk’s last hope blended perfectly with the rock and brush.
posted
This is a better version than the first. I'm still not captured by it though. There is nothing in the lines that makes me care if the hawk gets the meal. I know that it is hard to do in thirteen lines. Can I make a suggestion? Everyone is welcome to laugh at it... Can you do a story with in a story? Start with an "intelligent" hawk relaying the importance of the "before intelligence" hawk. Just a thought about how to draw the reader in more.
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quote:Raw instinct drove the deathlike hawk onwards.
I have an issue with the word "deathlike". What does it exactly mean. It feels as though it was put there for the sound instead of for the meaning it conveys. Ok, I know I'm exagerating... I'm unsure as to whether the word "raw" is necessary. It doesn't hurt too much, so you could keep it. The verb "drove" is strong and I like how it's been used.
quote:It had been days since the last meal, though that didn’t register to the hawk.
This is arguably authorial intrusion: you are saying what the hawk thought. I think you should stick to the hawk's POV, at least in the first thirteen. "It had been days since its last meal." Does the trick. I've substituted "the meal" for "its meal" because I think it helps identify the subject more clearly and makes the reader root with the hawk. (This is not an abstract meal we're talking about, it's food, the hawk is starving the meal feels somehow more important if it is "his") All this, of course, is highly subjective.
quote:All that came to its starkly primitive mind was the aching of its wings and the relentless starvation, half-carried on a northbound wind and the rest hanging on fate’s slender edge.
The word "starkly" has a couple of problems. First, it's a modifier and an adverb at that (sorry, I have a problem with adverbs). Second, it is authorial intrusion. Besides "starkly primitive" feels redundant. Maybe you should cut it. Same thing for "relentless starvation". I didn't get the metaphor. What is it that is "half-carried on a northbound wind and the rest hanging on fate's slender edge"? What is the rest? Does fate have a slender edge? Since I don't understand it, I can't tell you if it is a mixed metaphor or not.
quote:A stirring in the windswept moor below swung the hawk’s instincts from dull to desperate.
Why would seing an animal make the hawk more desperate instead of hopeful? After all, he might finally get to eat.
quote:The hawk could barely make out a burrow on the side of a rocky slope, clumps of sage obscuring it from view.
I would find a non-phrasal verb to substitute "make out"
quote:warm summer breeze.
Cliché and redundant. Unless stated otherwise we'll all assume that a summer breeze is warm, so just say summer breeze.
quote:Except for the occasional twitch, the hawk’s last hope blended perfectly with the rock and brush
Interesting choice of POV, nice craft, liked it and would read on. The stuff I pointed out is mostly nits. The problem with this opening is that it doesn't really introduce anything, give any info. I'm assuming the whole story isn't going to be about a hawk. If this is for a novel, you're probably cool, if it is a short story, I'm not so sure. Hope that helped
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