posted
I started talking about this one day with a friend, then we started to plan it out some, then after a couple of months of talking about it, creating little scenes, I decided to start linking the scenes together. Here's the first 13 or so lines:
A light, misty rain was falling. Two sentries patrolled a small camp. “Man! This sucks! We always get the crap sentry duties!” “Quiet! If the captain wakes up and hears us we’re dead!” “So, I don’t care, it’s all his fault our company is so small! Killing us off like we’re expendable soldiers! There aren’t many like us out here willing to fight for the Cause who have the training that we all had to go through!” Suddenly, a small, red hole appears in the one sentry’s chest. He looks down, and with surprise written all over his face, says “I’ve been shot!” “Oh my God! We’re under att-…” was all that the other manages to get out before a .50 cal. sniper rifle bullet cleanly removes
Do please be harsh and blunt in the critiqueing (spelled right?? or wrong? doesn't matter really, does it?), it won't hurt my feelings any. If anything, It'll help me out bunches. And if anybody wants the next 10,561 words, give me a holler.
[This message has been edited by starsin (edited October 29, 2006).]
[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited October 29, 2006).]
posted
First, you might want to read (if you haven't yet read) the guidelines in the Read Here First section. This fragment is way too big. You need to have it as 12-point font, 1" margins, and a font with all letters occupying the same amount of space (such as Courier New).
Beyond that, the entire piece seemed somewhat overkill--not in a good way, either. Every sentence of dialogue ends in an exclamation, which sort of ruins the effect. Use exclamations when needed, but don't overuse them, as it makes them worthless.
I had a bit of trouble understanding the time frame. This particular sentence stuck out to me:
quote:“Oh my God! We’re under att-…” was all that the other manages to get out before a .50 cal. sniper rifle bullet cleanly removes his head in a pink mist.
As you can see, it switches from the past tense to the present tense in the same sentence. Saying "The next thing you know" in the next sentence, emphasis on the you, just isn't a good thing unless the story is being told from a first-person POV. And even then it sort of cuts away from the action.
I can tell that you're trying to pack a lot into these first 13 lines--which is a good thing--but it could use some serious reworking if it's going to have lasting appeal.
As for the story itself, it's fairly vivid. I can't tell what the POV (point of view) is, so unless it's third-person omniscient, I'd recommend establishing a lasting POV from a single character's perspective. It doesn't have to be in the first person.
This segment has the feel of an entire prologue, which could be seriously reworked and extended. If this scene is relatively unimportant, I'd recommend starting somewhere else.
It looks like this story has some good potential. Keep working at it, and you should be able to make some progress!
posted
So, your suggestion would be to change it to something more like:
"Man...this blows - we always get the crap sentry duties!" griped the first sentry to his partner. "Shut up! If the Captain wakes up and hears that kind of talk, we're both dead!" "I don't care. It's his fault that our company is so small - killing us all off like we're expendable.... There isn't enough of us who are willing to fight for the Cause that have had our kind of training!" was the vehement reply. Suddenly a small, red hole appeared in the first sentry's chest. He looked down, and with surprise written all over his face, says, queerly calm: "I've been shot." then promptly fell over, dead. "Oh God! We're under att-..." was all the other managed to shout
Better?
starsin
[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited October 29, 2006).]
quote:He looked down, and with surprise written all over his face, says, queerly calm: "I've been shot." then promptly fell over, dead.
You're still switching from present to past tense some, per the example. It'd need to be "said". It sounds almost like you'd meant this to be a screenplay.
My big concern, and this is something of a story gripe, is that this seems almost a farce on red-shirt ensigns and random, unnamed storm troopers. If that's your intention, you're hitting the mark. If not, you may consider revising. Feels a little formulaic with that in mind.
posted
First, it is very hard to string together random shorts into a full fledged story. I'm trying to do it now with something that will be my NaNoWrit. So congratulations for trying.
Generally, I think you are starting in the wrong spot.
There is the hint of information that is being withheld. Why aren't these guys run of the mill cannon fodder? Why would the captain kill them? What cause? Time period? Seemed to have a D&D fell but there is a rifle.
You are trying to disguise an info dump as dialog. Why would soldiers be thinking like this or having this conversation? If the answer is: they are so I can tell you about my world, you need to find a better way to show me your world.
You don't have to give us your entire world in 13 lines. But what you do show us about it must be clear. Your opening raises a lot of questions and then doesn't answer them. While you have more leeway in what you have to answer on a novel length work than a short, if you raise an issue as to "setting" or backstory in the first 13 you need to be able to answer it shortly thereafer.
David's red shirt comment hit the mark for me. Try to start just before the action with a character that matters. If both sentries die in the first few lines, you are probably starting in the wrong place and/or the wrong POV. You are staged more like a movie than a novel. In a movie you need to give me a pretty (or not) setting and action. In a book, give me a character I can care about and I'm yours.
It's a good start though. Think about who is going to be telling your story, who's your MC and what is the central issue driving the plot and the details like starting points and voices will start to resolve themselves.
Very important * Stick to one tense * Pick a POV * Name your characters * Let the background that we need to know be brought out not in dialog, but just as exposition, from the POV of whoever the main character is * Let "." be the default sentence-ender, with "! for added emphasis
Somewhat important * I want to know enough about the war to know if MC, whoever he is, is right about the captain's reactions (would he really murder them if they complain?) and whether the Cause is worth dying for. In fact, calling it "the Cause" to me implies that you haven't sufficiently imagined what the war's about. Men fight for Old Glory, freedom, Queen and Country, the glorious Revolution ... even if it's symbolic, they have *something* they're fighting for, something their Cause is about. Give us a hint you know what theirs is.
* I recommend against killing off both possible POV characters in this scene right now. This works in video (I think your snippet shows a lot of influence from video), but I don't think it works as well in fiction. Sometimes. Who's going to have the conflict in this story? Can he be there, in this scene? If not, maybe take us to a scene that *does* involve him.
posted
So...what everybody is saying is don't start with the camp scene, start before it? The MC is one of the people in black. Immediatly after this scene, I introduce ALL the principle characters of the story. In a nutshell, what the story is about is a future where the US was involved in a massive war, and lost. Terribly. But, before the US fell, the intelligence services found out about it, too late to prevent it, but with enough time to make sure that somebody survives. So, they went out and took a bunch of kids who showed promise and gave them military training. This story is about those kids when they're no longer kids, but in their late teens, early adulthood. The second chapter of this story is a flashback where the MC goes back to his training and how he was wondering why all this was going on. Then, later on, there's another flashback where everybody knows how the US fell. Should I start the story with this second flashback instead of how I've started it?
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posted
Avoid starting any story with a flashback... not only is using flashback a cliche, it also creates emotional distance between the reader and your characters.
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quote: So...what everybody is saying is don't start with the camp scene, start before it? The MC is one of the people in black. Immediatly after this scene, I introduce ALL the principle characters of the story.
I would.
As to where to start it, it depends on how you are going to tell about the war. Start your story just shortly before the MC's world changes. Whether that's the war or just before this scene happens depends on the story after this point. If you start a story with a character the reader is going to assume that character is important.
If the story is about the MC dealing with what he's become:
You may need to start with some version your next scene where "all the principle characters" are introduced.
Or, if you are writing about the war:
Does your MC know how the war started? If you start when he's a kid, remember to show events from his POV (if you are going to use 3rd person Limited Omni). Does the reader need to know how the war started or just how these super solider kids were created as a result of it?
Given what you've said about the premise for the story, you might not need any of the flashbacks. The relevent details about the training and war will should out through the rest of the story.
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