posted
Just looking for a crit on these first few lines. I know no names are mentioned but it gets to that fairly quickly. The event described is very important to the plot. I know it needs some spit and polish, so any constructive criticism is appreciated. Should I just try starting with another approach and completely rewrite the beginning? Thanks.
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The dream is the same every time. He violently throws her to the ground. On the way down she hits her head on the corner of the end table in our dimly lit living room. The blood slowly pools around her, staining the white carpet red as she lay motionless on the floor. Out of breath, he stands over her in a drunken fog, grinning in cowardly triumph before running out the door as the sirens near. He speeds off and I’m left alone. Warm tears slide down my cheek and my mother’s head lay in my lap. I don’t say a word. That’s when I wake up and realize my step father isn’t around anymore. But nevertheless, I can’t escape the grin on his face or the hollow look in my mother’s dead eyes. I’m always living in my past. My everlasting nightmare.
posted
Thing is, it's an important event for the main character (I know this by the fact that you chose to begin there, and the choppy narration, which to me is an indication of how distressed he is). However, at this stage, I do not care enough about the narrator to read through his dreams.
Also, it's not a dream so much as a vivid memory (dreams tend to be much more incoherent than that. This reads pretty smoothly). In essence, you're starting with a flashback, which is a bad idea--you cannot just start and then immediately look backwards.
I suggest you find out what's happening in the present to the narrator (other than having bad dreams, obviously ), and focus on that. You can weave the flashback in later.
posted
I just wrote a fairly lengthy crit for you and then deleted it. I don't feel like rewriting it now, but I will later. I\ll just sum it up for you for the time being.
posted
It's like seeing through a glass, darkly. We're a couple of sentences in before we realize that "he" isn't the POV character. We go further before we find out who he's murdering, although it's *very* significant.
Nits: "The dream is the same very time" -- besides getting over an editor's "oh, here's another story starting with a dream" you say "same every time," which is exactly what he's afraid it will be! Readers are suggestible.
I'd also like to know if MC saw this, and whether MC is male or female.
This shows the sort of start I'd rather have. Not to tell your story; just to show what I think would help.
quote:Ever since my mother was murdered before my eyes, I see it again and again in nightmares. My stepfather threw her...[description]. I was just a little girl. I could only stare and scream. Now I'm twenty-three and that bastard is still in my dreams.
I'm not saying start that way -- maybe this isn't even the right place -- but I am saying I want to know the significant information *while* I'm seeing something emotionally compelling. Posts: 2830 | Registered: Dec 2004
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posted
Here's my rewrite of the the post I deleted yesterday for you:
I personally don't have a problem with starting with a dream, at least not the way you do it here. I WOULD have a problem with it if it was a case of...
So and so did such and such, and then this that and the other and what have you, and some other stuff happened which was probably all scary and stuff.
Mr./Mrs. Character woke up in a cold sweat. It was just a dream.
THAT would bother me because it's a dirty and annoying trick. The way it stands though, it doesn't bother me. I know it's a dream right up front, so there is no "you tricked me, you jerk author" effect.
Some of the wording seems a bit clunky to me. The words "drunken fog" especially tripped me up the first time I read it. Obviously the language is meant to be figurative, but it's also a dream, so I had to stop for a second and decide whether you meant a literal fog around his head or not. Stupid question, I know, and it only took me a second to figure it out, but that second is all it took to pull me out of the flow of the paragraph.
Quick lesson on lie/lay. (I finally got this straightened out for me in a college grammar class last year. I've always had trouble with the two words).
"Lay" in the present tense is a transitive verb. That means you do it to something. "I lay SOMETHING." (on the table, on the floor, whatever.)
"Lie" in the present tense is an intransitive verb. That means you don't do it to anything, you just do it. "I lie." Period.
That means you don't want to use "lay" in your paragraph, you would use "lie."
as she LIES motionless on the floor
my mother’s head LIES in my lap
I do like this opening, though. It tells me a lot of fairly interesting information about the character and his/her background very quickly. It also makes me want to read further.
[This message has been edited by wetwilly (edited November 10, 2006).]
posted
Thanks everyone. I might try starting in a different point in the story. I won't delete this beginning though,Maybe it'll spark another idea. I'll try a few different openings and try to get it to fit this story better though. This opening just doesn't feel like it fits and I think you guys helped me see why. Once I finish the other possible openings I'll post them here.
Posts: 52 | Registered: Jun 2005
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posted
Generally as stated above dreams and flashbacks are a no-no to start with, but I have found that if you start with action (as mentioned above) it would work fine I am sure.
I have read a short story, the name and author of which escapes me at the moment, where the author began the story with a flashback then shortly afterwards had a little more information involving the flashback. It was done very well and in a way where I cared about the lead character. The only drawback to this style is it is difficult to work other characters into the story, so you are stuck focused on the one character until come closure or hint of closure can be found with the dream/flashback. This limits you from giving the reader a varity of characters to choose from. It is not easy to do but can be done.
If I can find that short story I get it to you somehow, it is buried somewhere in the vast selection of magazines I have.
posted
I forgot to add that the short story I read did not trick the reader as mentioned above, also the whole flashback was not revealed right then and there. It left the result of the scene open and you found out later what happened, in another flashback.
Posts: 35 | Registered: Sep 2004
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posted
I like this a lot and the 'beginning with a dream' approach doesn't bother me. I did however feel a twinge of vertigo when it was revieled that there was a third person in the room. Maybe if the second sentence was 'I see him violently throw her to the ground.' or something to that effect. But I think that its a minor criticism.
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), and focus on that. You can weave the flashback in later. 
