posted
I haven't posted anything for a while here, so I thought I'd throw up the beginning of a short story, written in a literaty sense with a historical angle. The story arc consists of the individual tales of 3 different men living in the same area. A final portion ties all their tales together and allows for another perspective on events which have already been shown.
Here's the first 13 of the first man's tale. All crits and suggestions appreciated... would you read on?
Richard Forester had always considered himself to be a pragmatic man, but on some days-this being one of them–he wondered if there were earthly spirits at work in his realm. His view of the world was from high in the saddle, roaming the lands of Teppling and enforcing the King’s Law, an arduous task that held no low season. In his capacity as the Verderer of the Forest of Teppling he had observed many remarkable feats during his thirty years of riding the hart trails and following the murmuring streams of his domain. For those who knew him well and listened carefully, it was the unusual coincidences of timing, unforeseen twists of circumstance and the beautiful symmetry of nature that often lay at the heart of his favorite tales. He hoarded them as mice do grain in the autumn, but
posted
there doesn't seem to be any thing specifically wrong, but it is a bit too... i suppose the word would be dense. it's hard to read it and follow it, like we're getting too much information in too short a span
Posts: 37 | Registered: Nov 2006
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posted
For me, it's just that this information doesn't show us any conflict. What's the story about? Start there, maybe.
Nit:
quote:Richard Forester had always considered himself to be a pragmatic man, but on some days-this being one of them–he wondered if there were earthly spirits at work in his realm.
This reads as a non-sequitir to me. Where's the contrast between being pragmatic and thinking there are spirits at work? "Pragmatic" means "practical," not "not believing in spirits."
posted
the beginning is a little too much like an info dump. right after "he wondered if there were earthly spirits in his realm" take us into the present situation WHY? does he feel this way. get us into the story right away and THEN fill us in on his world view. i would keep reading, however. the potential is there good metaphor with the mice too
Posts: 18 | Registered: Aug 2006
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posted
I really like the first line, its nice to start off so closely in the MC's head. It really grounds the piece. Personally, I'd remove the phrase set of in dashes, it seems a little redundant, as soon as you say "some days he wondered" I know that this day is one of those days.
As for the feedback about this piece being hard to follow... it is pretty dense. You've got a lot of long sentences. Grammatically I can't see much wrong with them (though my grammar is pretty shoddy) and individually they're all fine, but when they all start to pile up, it makes it a little difficult for the reader. I'd suggest maybe breaking up a couple of the longer ones, or adding something a little shorter into the mix.
One other, very minor crit: the word "verderer" doesn't sound right in my head at all. There's a good chance its a real word I've never heard of, but if you made it up I'd consider revising it because it scans very weirdly. Of course you may have a reason for that too, in which case ignore this.
posted
"Verderer" is a real term, though fairly archaic. I would suggest Chief Ranger as a modern equivalent if it's a problem for a lot of people. At least it's a guessable term, though I suppose that a guess could lead someone to think it was more like a forester or something.
For me the problem is that you start with a sentence that clearly tells us that today is a day to make one wonder if spirits are at work. Then you drop that and just sort of wander around telling us things that have nothing to do with today's events, ending with a suggestion that the story isn't forthcoming at all.
posted
You have some rich imagery but it seems to be at odds with itself. I thought we started off with a scene of Forester high on his horse but by the end wondered whether we were part of a group gathered together to hear one of Forester's 'tales of the forest'.
As to 'pragmatic' I got the connection/disconnection with the earthly spirits immediately but I don't think many will. Mundane is more accurate but has connotations of being boring. Perhaps 'realistic' may work.
[This message has been edited by hoptoad (edited November 15, 2006).]
I Really Really Really like the title and want to like the work based on it but that's probably just a personal quirk.
It sounds like you are more of a Milieu type of story because that is what you spend so much time on. If it's not, if it's a Character peice, then you really need to toggle back on the imagery. The imagery is nice but too dense for me. Tell me less about the setting for the moment.
You might consider making your first sentance the 13th if that's your hook. Currently, it gets buried in the details and seems like a tease.
So, with a bit of parsing and rearranging you get:
"Richard Forester's view of the world was from high in the saddle as he enforced the King’s Law throughout the Forest of Teppling. {His duties made him a realist even though) it was the coincidences of timing, twists of circumstance and the symmetry of nature that often lay at the heart of his favorite tales. He hoarded them as mice do grain in the autumn, but {he didn't actually believe them to be real. Although) on days like this he wondered if there were earthly spirits at work in his realm."
This is 91 words v. your original 141. Obviously anything in the {} I added and should be rejected if it doesn't fit your story.
If you rearrange, now I know who he is, what he's doing and something out of the ordinary/interesting is happening. I'm curious enough to read on a bit more and find out what.
Also, I don't think you need the description of the "murmuring streams" where you tell me he's in a forest, I'll assume there are streams.
Sounds like a good start though.
[This message has been edited by kings_falcon (edited November 15, 2006).]
Several of you picked up on a word that I struggled with in the opening sentence -- pragmatic. I don't really care for it either since it doesn't set up the "earthly spirits" contrast quite right. I tried pious and a couple other also but haven't gotten it yet. Have to keep working on that one. Mundane seems a bit off too... any other suggestions? Realist seems like a good choice even.
As Survivor noted, verderer is a real term - someone appointed by the king to protect the royal lands from poachers, encroachers and others. This story is set in medieval times.
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