posted
Fly brushed the water from his eyes and steadied the helm. Beneath the airship fell the bodies of two fledgling dragons, and behind it flew the third. Fly made a sharp right and killed the engine. The ship spun and dropped while the dragon screeched by overhead. Cannon fire and Abra’s ice spell tore through the beast’s soft underbelly. Fly punched the engines and the ship lurched out of the way as the dragon fell past. The pirates’ cheers drowned out distant thunder as Fly relaxed his grip on the helm.
“Cap’n,” cried the lookout. The Captain shouted for silence and the cheers died down. “Cap’n, there’s a ship approaching from the south. I think… yes, it’s the Falcon, and it looks like they’re firing torpedoes sir.”
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I don't have much more than this written yet. I just want to know if you think it's a good intro/hook.
[This message has been edited by quantumphotonkid (edited December 16, 2006).]
posted
I'm not sure which dragons are on our side and which ones aren't. Also -- is a dragon a flying thing that breathes fire, or a type of ship? I'm not sure.
I don't have any context for the fighting, so I can't care who wins yet. I'd rather know just enough that I'll care.
posted
You know, I have mixed feelings about this and what to say about it.
On the one hand, I am not really captured by this opening. I agree with Will that it is a bit hard to instantly grasp what is going on. But I got the distinct impression that these are real dragons. However, in the first paragraph there are three dragons (are the first two dead?), two people (not counting "the pirates" at the end) and one ship that's moving around. A lot to keep track of. And we never, in these 13 lines, find out who one of the people (Abra) is. Also, we don't know until relatively late how to interpret the actions: killing dragons is good, at least in the opinion of pirates. Maybe writing more strongly from Fly's POV would help -- how does he know the bodies are falling under the airship. Does he see them? Does he view them (assuming they're dead) as nasty carcasses or as noble beasts cut down before their time?
So, yes, I think there is clearly some room for improvement.
But now let's go to the other hand. The other hand says that I've seen a lot worse, and you're obviously able to put reasonable sentences together. I like swashbuckling plots. Therefore, this 2nd hand of mine says you should be careful to avoid the dangers of endlessly tinkering with the first 13 lines when that's all you have. My personal opinion, humbly given, is that these 13 lines are good enough for government work, so just go with it. I would write the story, or some reasonable chunk of it, and then return to the question of whether the hook is compelling. You may well have completely abandoned your original opening by that point.
You can go with whatever hand you prefer, but I'm pushing the second one.
posted
I'm interested because I certainly want to learn what's going on..this world seems to have a strange mix of tech and magic, so I'd give it a read to see if it fleshes out and makes sense. I would mention that the pacing at the beginning slows suddenly when the lookout starts talking. He just sounds way too casual for a battle scene.
Cap'n, ship coming in. Can't tell..wait..maybe..yes...torpedoes coming in, I think. Maybe. Yup.
Blam. By the time he makes up his mind, the missiles have hit the target. Sorry, I know. Bit of an exaggeration, but that's how it read to me. Just chop his sentences up a bit..for a lookout, he needs sharp eyes and a quick mind to relay info. I don't think he'd waffle with words much.
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