I awoke clutching my knees, my stomach turned over and my face contorted into a puzzle of anxiety. I was aware that I was awake in an instant, but instantly aware that I had been awake for some time. My eyes had been letting in the numb light that diffused through the thick fabric walls of the tent and my mind tumbled with the lucidity of wakefulness but the peacefulness of sleep. The sand below it moulded hard to my body - my muscles were taught and my breath short. The sharp desert wind whistled past unhindered through the open desert plateau, tickling at the edges of the tent. I felt a loneliness that I knew I would be carrying with me for sometime, but knew not why. I turned and softly crawled out from under my sheet, trying not to wake Kuinda as I went to face the night and think through my dream.
This is from a book I've been working on for two years now, it stretches over a number of genres and has a number of subjects. The first draft is by no means complete.
Thanks for reading.
*It's actually 14 lines, I hope it's not that critical.
posted
First, I don't understand why the MC is anxious. Next, the second sentence is _extremely_ confusing to me. Is the MC aware that it had only taken him an instant to come awake, or did it only take him an instant to become aware that he was awake? I can't tell which you're trying to say. Put in some punctuation (actually, one comma should do it) to break up the third sentence. Fourth sentence- the sand below what? I'm assuming you mean below the tent, but that isn't clear. Again, why are his muscles taught and breath short? It takes you much too long to mention the dream; without knowing that the MC has just awoken from a somehow disturbing dream, the reader has no idea why he is so anxious. I also have no idea who Kuinda is, but I think that will be ok so long as you introduce him or her (sounds like a 'her' name to me) within the next couple of lines. I'm not completely hooked, but that's hard to do in 13 lines. I could certainly see this going somewhere.
Posts: 44 | Registered: Dec 2006
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posted
This is a terribly cliched opening. Having the character awake in the opening scene -- particularly after having a bad dream -- is a sure-fire way to get an editor to stop reading. It's been done to death. Try to start the story somewhere else.
As for the writing itself, I agree it is confusing. The second sentence does not make any sense. "The sand below it" -- the "it" is unreferenced
Not sure I would continue to read this -- I think it is starting in the wrong place and I don't find it compelling.
1. The unreferenced 'it' - thanks, I hadn't noticed.
2. The second sentence is confusing, and may cause a problem. It does make sense in the context of the rest of the story (it's to with levels of consciousness - compare hypnosis where one is talking, but no 'awake'). It's meant to be a hint to the story right from the off. But, even in context is quite confusing. But I do like to read stories that you have to study!
3. I wasn't aware that a dream opening was a 'cliche' although I can understand why it would be. He's not really in a dream, more of a transfiguration, in a way. Perhaps I can incorporate it.
quote:I was aware that I was awake in an instant, but instantly aware that I had been awake for some time.
It's not so much that it doesn't make sense (I got the idea that the narrator just clicked out of some kind of halucination), the real issue is that it's clumsy prose.
You use aware twice, awake twice, and instant twice in the same sentence.
When you're under some kind of trance, it also doesn't feel like you're asleep at all. It feels like you lost a chunk of time, which is not the same.
quote:But I do like to read stories that you have to study
What does that mean?
[This message has been edited by Swimming Bird (edited December 21, 2006).]
posted
Swimming Bird, what would you say is wrong with the prose (I'm not arguing, just curious). I thought it worked quite well with the words (aware, awake and instant) used twice (it's also meant to highlight the duality of the character).
The 'dream' is just the MC's interpretation at this point of his transfiguration (he receives part of someone else's soul/personality - so to speak). Though I suppose I haven't got the point across succinctly, as I've had to explain it! To be honest, I'm sure I can get the point across better, so maybe it would be better to leave such 'hints' until later in the book!
Also, what I meant by studying a book was that sometimes a line or two (or a whole book!) needs reading two or three times. It can go too far (read any social texts on Postmodernism), but can also increase the enjoyment of the text.
posted
How does the character know his face is contorted in a puzzle of anxiety? This phrase is indicative of something observed, not felt. This part of the opening is terribly misplaced. It's something a character would say of someone else, not himself.
I agree the story should begin in another place, and definitely re-shape the waking from a dream/trance. I have no suggestions on that, as I simply don't know any "new" way it can be written.
posted
First sentence: I awoke, my stomach turned over and my face contorted
As written, this is a comma splice: fix with ;'s or separate sentences or another and. How about I awoke feeling queasy. My face...
Problem with POV: MC can't see his own face. He wouldn't notice his facial expression.
>I was aware that I was awake in an instant, but instantly aware that I had been awake for some time. I can't make sense of this.
>I felt a loneliness that I knew I would be carrying with me for sometime, but knew not why. I don't follow.
Who's Kunida?
I don't know what's going on, so I wouldn't keep reading. Consider this approach:
quote: After three days waiting for the space aliens to land at the coordinates in Outer Mongolia -- the ones they sent me in that really weird dream -- I wasn't just tired, I was worried. The longer I waited, the more likely it was that the evil robot monkeys would find me and my partner Kuinda, and make us listen to really bad poetry.
I awoke in our tent, seeing the numb light...
However you do it, I want to know as soon as something's happening what it signifies. In this case, I have no information as to why they're in the desert, who Kuinda is, or why the dream matters.
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posted
Thanks for the input there, and yes it may be a good idea to restructure the sentence. I think there is room for some improvement.
The only thing I'm not entirely sure about is the MC's description of his facial expressions. I think, personally, he's not describing how he looks as such but allowing his emotion/feeling to be manifest as a facial expression. Also, I think that it's akin to saying 'I squinted', he couldn't verify that his face was squinted, but could verify he was squint. Perhaps there's a distinction.
I think I'll restructure it from a dream; dream is not a good description of the episode anyway. I think maybe something along the lines of 'As Kuinda left me' or something comparable. The 'waking up' starts has plagued me a bit as the chapters seem to start with some kind of waking up; I need a different perspective, but it is currently separating the story up...which is a worry.
posted
Arguing for your prose, I love the structure of your second sentence. From reading this I get the feeling that our pov is actually feeling spiritual, or emotional pain, though he describes it as physical. However I feel that you should dedicate almost the entire first paragraph to this feeling. The sentence <i>The sharp desert wind whistled past unhindered through the open desert plateau, tickling at the edges of the tent</i>, seems out of place, as if the narrator is describing events exactly how they happened, rather than how he remembers them. If I were going through such intense pain, the description of it wouldn't have any breaks.
Aside from what I mentioned, this opening is quite intriguing. I'm anxious to see what this pov lost.
posted
That's a very good point. I never thought of that. I just re-read the opening and that sentence does seem out of place, it may be better to shift it to the next paragraph. The idea of that sentence is that the wind tickling the edge of the tent is meant to represent his mind slowly accepting this new part, akin to an organ transplant.
Kuinda is a prophet and the MC's carer/master. Kuinda is old and about to 'move on'. The MC is receiveing Kuinda's gift of prophecy from him, but doesn't really know it at this point. Basically, the story starts with the MC adjusting to the loss of his 'father figure', but also adjusting to this new reality. The MC isn't dreaming, isn't in a trance, rather is undergoing a transfiguration (it's the only word I know to describe such an event). I guess one way of looking at it is similar to John Cofey in the Green Mile, sucking the 'evil' out of people. I don't want to give too much away as I think it alters the perception of the thirteen lines.
posted
>>The only thing I'm not entirely sure about is the MC's description of his facial expressions. I think, personally, he's not describing how he looks as such but allowing his emotion/feeling to be manifest as a facial expression. Also, I think that it's akin to saying 'I squinted', he couldn't verify that his face was squinted, but could verify he was squint. Perhaps there's a distinction.
I think that works just fine, I knew what you meant there in the first place. If it's a literary error, it's one a great number of published authors make.
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