posted
This is my short story to be, Project Falcon. I'm not going to tell you what it's about, because I'd like to know what thoughts come to mind when you read it. Critique please, but nothing to harsh. And as always, mention the good, along with the bad.
The monitor stared back at Allalai, as if it were trying to fool him. He knew of course that it was lying; it often did. But for all the times it had lied, this time he was very angry. The monitor gave the impression that it was over; done; so come turn me off, it said. No one did, though.
In fact, they all just stared at it, Neanderthals with fire. No more war, no more Arquis it told them. We won. Allalai tried to imagine a world without the Arquis. He couldn't. Kids wouldn't play Kill the Arquis, people wouldn't hate birds. It all seemed strange.
And yet, Allalai did not consider what this really meant, as the view widened and chunks of the former planet started attacking other worlds. They finally were independent from
[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited December 26, 2006).]
posted
It's not bad, but the metaphors might be a little much: the monitor lies, Allalai & co. were Neanderthals, chunks of a planet attack other worlds.
It's possible that "monitor" is the name of a role, like "hall monitor", rather than a piece of equipment. I thought it was a piece of equipment, but until "so come turn me off", I didn't know for sure, and that was too long to keep me in suspense. (Maybe "screen" wouldn't have that effect.) "It was lying" could be something more like "the reports were often propagandistic junk", and I'd know for sure what you meant -- and, perhaps more importantly, I'd also know why the monitor often lied.
"Neanderthals with fire" is okay -- it's an evocative image, and the best of the three -- but with the other metaphors in place it's "just one more metaphor", if you know what I mean. (Of course, it also implies that this is a story about Earth's future.)
"started attacking other worlds" doesn't really work because if this is a planet, its nearest neighbors are probably extremely far away.
Some other considerations:
You want to know what comes to mind when I read this, but there's not much to say. You've given me context, but no story yet; see if you can get a little bit of story into the first 13 lines. It can be plot, character, or conflict (now that the war is over, it doesn't count), anything to let me know what I'm in for.
"People wouldn't hate birds" seems pretty weird. I'm wildly guessing that the Arquis are bird-like creatures? But I doubt that people would hate their native birds just because the Arquis were bird-like. This didn't seem terribly natural to me, so if it's important (say, native birds are mind-controlled by the Arquis) I think you need to explain it more. Otherwise, I'd cut it.
"They finally were independent from their origin" is a little strange-sounding, too, and the stuff around it could use a little clarification (taken out the Arquis ships near the Arquis homeworld? But that would be logically prior to the claim that the Arquis were dead, so it seems redundant in its current position...).
"Allalai" sounds like "All a lie", which, combined with the lying monitor, makes me wonder if this is a heavy-handed game with the name. Minor point, but there it is.
Your mechanics are mostly fine, so I think you need to work on clarity and setting some kind of hook.
Regards, Oliver
[This message has been edited by oliverhouse (edited December 26, 2006).]
posted
Oliver hit it pretty good. two things from my point of view. " They wouldn't hate birds" I instantly saw the little kids stopming on bugs scene in Starship Troopers in my mind's eye, is that what you meant? and last paragraph "They finally were independent from their origin" I am still confused on who 'they' and 'their' are.
It sounds like the last pages of the book not the first.
I'd like to know more, sounds like you might have a story here, keep it up.
posted
Ditto. I got confused even on the first sentence, not knowing if the monitor is a video display, a watchful person, or an Indonesian lizard.
Posts: 2830 | Registered: Dec 2004
| IP: Logged |
posted
The metaphors involving the monitor were particularly confusing. I was under the definite impression that the monitor was a sort of anthropic interface robot serving as an embassy for some higher power (possibly also robotic).
Posts: 8322 | Registered: Aug 1999
| IP: Logged |
posted
Thanks for all the help! I can really see what your points were, and think they're all valid for the most part. By the way, like the 'Arquis control native birds thing. Sounds good to me.
Here's a better version.
The screen stared back at Allalai, as if it were trying to fool him. He knew of course that it was lying. This truth would be too strange. But then he thought, his eyes might be deceiving him. The screen gave the impression that it was over; done; so come turn me off, it said. No one did, though.
In fact, they all just stared at it. Neanderthals with fire. No more war, no more Arquis it told them. We won. Allalai tried to imagine a world without the Arquis. He couldn't. Kids wouldn't play Kill the Arquis, people wouldn't hate birds; they’d be themselves, not controlled by the Arquis at times. It all seemed strange.
And yet, Allalai did not consider what this really meant, as the view widened and chunks of the former planet started heading for
[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited December 28, 2006).]
Cut it by 20-40%. You spend a lot of time talking about the screen, and you tell us that the war's over in half-a-dozen different ways.
Use that space to tell us why we really care. What's going to happen? Is this a character story, or a plot story? Is there a theme? I see the glimmer of what might be a plot ("humanity was now to spread..."), but unless Allalai is going to be involved directly in that, it may not matter to the story.
Maybe you characterize Allalai a bit more, or differently. You've done it a little bit here, but all that's coming through (to me anyway) is his disbelief.
posted
Still doesn't make any sense. Actually, given that the only reading that made sense to me is now definitely off the table (I just don't see a "screen" being an anthropic interface robot), this makes less sense. Admittedly, since apparently the sense I was able to make of it before wasn't the sense you intended, this is progress, but not very much progress.
Posts: 8322 | Registered: Aug 1999
| IP: Logged |
posted
You guys are being a really big help for this! Tremendous, I mean it. I haven't updated it it in a few days, because I'm currently still working on a new beginning, so I'm very sorry. But for now, would anyone say that show don't tell is a big problem with the current version?
Posts: 78 | Registered: Oct 2005
| IP: Logged |
posted
It's not "show, don't tell" so much as "show or tell me something interesting." Okay, the war's over: now what? And the "now what" should probably contain something interesting about the character you've introduced us to.
Posts: 671 | Registered: May 2006
| IP: Logged |
posted
The problem is that I have no idea what, exactly, is going on here. I get that there's a guy named Allalai, and that there is a screen of some kind, but other than that I can't tell you squat about what is going on in this scene, or even if this is a scene.
Posts: 8322 | Registered: Aug 1999
| IP: Logged |
quote:The monitor stared back at Allalai, as if it were trying to fool him.
The coma is unnecessary. I agree with Oliver, if monitor is a piece of equipment say "monitor screen" or smth.
quote:But for all the times it had lied, this time he was very angry.
Clumsy. Do you mean that the Allalai is angrier at the monitor for lying this time than for having lied previously? Then say it like that, as it is, it's too twisted for the first thirteen.
quote:The monitor gave the impression that it was over; done; so come turn me off, it said. No one did, though.
I like this
quote:In fact, they all just stared at it, Neanderthals with fire.
Unclear. Who are Neanderthals with fire? The people who stare at it? The people shown on the monitor?
quote:No more war, no more Arquis it told them. We won. Allalai tried to imagine a world without the Arquis. He couldn't. Kids wouldn't play Kill the Arquis, people wouldn't hate birds. It all seemed strange.
This makes sense.
quote:And yet, Allalai did not consider what this really meant, as the view widened and chunks of the former planet started attacking other worlds. They finally were independent from
This doesn't. So one war ends and another begins? Explain that. Also, try something less cluncky than "chunks". There's something very material about that word and it doesn't really describe anything as political as a war.
Edit: sorry, i commented on the first version
[This message has been edited by Sara Genge (edited January 03, 2007).]
posted
All good points, and ones will further help me develope this story. The show, or tell me something interesting, I think is definitely true, telling something about plot I agree with, and establish just why character is important, are all things I believe I should do. Thank you.
Posts: 78 | Registered: Oct 2005
| IP: Logged |
Printer-friendly view of this topic
